Thanks everyone, I admit that sometimes I need a little help here to carry on. Not sure what I'd do without you all!
VG, I believe you are correct, nothing good would have come from asking her if she thought she was special after singing the song. I'm glad I kept my pie hole shut.
Originally Posted By: T^2
Sounds like she is really turned within, in withdrawal, re-read the stages of MLC here....
Personally, I would let sleeping cats lay for a while longer. And that is what I am doing right now as my W is seemingly in a similar phase...
Thank you T. Read about stages, don't kick sleeping cats. Will do!
Originally Posted By: snodderly
FY, your wife has a ways to go and the best thing you can do is just let her be. If you don't know what to say, listen to what she says and follow her lead, but don't try to have any conversations w/her about the relationship just yet. She's not ready to have them.
Sit quietly and the answers will come in due time.
I know you are right, snodderly, but damn do I get fidgety when she is so checked out!
Ok, so my wife pleasantly surprised me twice in the last two days.
Last night she was planning on going to a 50% off sale at one of her favorite clothes stores. (She's quite a miser for a MLC'er, lol) and I was going to a concert with a friend. My friend backed out and when wife learned I was considering not going by myself she offered to skip going to her store and join me instead! There was no great connecting or conversation between us, but we did both enjoy the show.
Then this morning, we were discussing my youngest brothers out of state wedding which is coming up in June. She said she wasn't sure if she could go because that's her busy period at work, and she probably would already be taking time off that month for our 30th anniversary! While I already knew she didn't seem to be moving forward with leaving or ending the marriage, it was still nice to hear. And snodderly you would be proud to know I didn't comment on it at all.
"Sit quietly and the answers will come"
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
So take those two positives and write them down in your journal so that when you get "fidgety" you can read them and look closer for those small things, and document them, a pattern will emerge...that's what I do...
FWIW, I interpret that song as meaning that they DON'T feel special, but want to be...as usual, YMMV...
Hang in there!! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'm glad to hear about these positive steps. While I think discussion of the 30th is really good I also like that she was talking to you about one of your siblings. Feel like discussion of our respective families had cooled off somewhat since sitch began. Not sure if you experienced something similar.
FWIW, I interpret that song as meaning that they DON'T feel special, but want to be...as usual, YMMV...
Hang in there!! T^2
I absolutely agree, that's why I wanted to initiate a conversation about it so I could convince her that she IS special. We both know that won't work.
I often wonder what I can say regarding compliments and words of affirmation. When I say nice things she doesn't accept it... thinks I'm just saying it because I'm her husband so I have to. if I don't offer WOA, then I feel I'm not being supportive.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
When you say something to compliment her, be specific and say it right at the moment the good thing happens. General compliments don't really help much. Focus and celebrate on the little things that make her special.
When you say something to compliment her, be specific and say it right at the moment the good thing happens. General compliments don't really help much. Focus and celebrate on the little things that make her special.
Thanks Tori! You are correct, and I have seen compliments accepted a few times. Hopefully as she works through her issues, my wife will become more receptive.
Goodness journaling:
My wife and I were at the veterinarian office with one of our pets tonight, when she started to open up to me. She was telling me about some of the issues one of her co-workers is dealing with. This woman, about the same age as my wife, had recently come home from work to find her husband dead due to a heart attack. Still in shock and pain, she is now struggling to get all her finances in order.
My wife and her boss were discussing setting up this woman on a special resort getaway. (they work in the vacation industry) Thinking back to when her Mom died 13 months ago, my wife expressed how thankful she was for the spa trip that was set up for her, and how important it was to help her cope and start the healing process. (she did much spiritual searching, and wrote a final letter to Mom which she then left at her gravesite upon her return home)
Their conversation moved on to how W is a much different person today, in a good way, than she was before her Mom's passing.
Our conversation was not long, and I just listened and validated, but what I seen was a small glimpse of W feeling good about herself and her progress!
Maybe this will help tide me over the next time I feel like throwing in the towel. Who said this was like a roller coaster ride? lol
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
My wife continues to run between lukewarm and cold. She came home from her super bowl night out all happy, told me all about it. The next day distant and cold, shields set on maximum. At one point when I came near, she glanced up from her iPad and gave me the iciest stare I've seen in quite a while.
Today a coworker showed me the banned Skittles commercial. It's naughty. It reminded me of what W and I don't have, and got me down. I deserve to have a physical connection with my wife. It's been almost a year, and I'm not just talking about sex. I don't intend to silently wait for years.
Maybe the deep freeze is part of her plan to get me to give up. Yet she's not going anywhere. My DB efforts have left her quite comfortable around here.
As I seem to do every few weeks, I'm again planning the best way to begin letting my wife know I'm not waiting around forever. I'm sure no matter what I say it won't make her bolt. Your advice?
Maybe I'll try light contact here and there and see what happens.
Otherwise I'm doing fine for myself. I'm in great shape, have plenty of interests, and generally stay busy. I know plenty of folks here have it much worse than I do. My wife may be cool and indifferent, but she doesn't spew, and doesn't have an OM. I'm sure some would say I shouldn't be complaining, but I am...
Because standing doesn't seem worth it at times. I'd be 100% fine on my own, I'm sure... I really don't need a wife who is just a roommate. Yet I can't help but think that she may come around and thank me some day. Or not, who knows.
As I type this I can hear her singing while putting away the dishes, "You want me to change, change, change, you want me to change." lol
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
