Sorry for creeping your thread but I had to finally chime in. First? ((((hugs)))) and lots of them.
You mentioned Denver and his run in with OM. I was one of the friends who got the phone call that night and I will tell you that he was amazingly in control for what he ran into. It was a bad scene all around but he managed to stop short of finding himself in legal trouble. This is what you need to worry about. And please, dear Lord, do not think I'm telling you I do not understand the rage, I get it soooo much.
My H had an affair with a woman in the same office both of us worked in. I watched those two parade around and I felt rage. While they both denied the affair, she constantly had words for me and about me. I managed to keep my mouth shut at the office but that didn't happen without a whole lot of support from the people here. Fast forward a couple of years later and we're still married, tried to reconcile, I gave up and moved out... the following weekend there was a facebook pic of other woman at my house. I LOST MY MIND. I thank God I was a plane ride away from home because God knows what I would have done. The key, though? I was removed from the situation. So I'm no better. My heart breaks reading your story, in fact. But? You need to absolutely figure out a way to know when you are about to lose control AND REMOVE YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY. There were times at work where it became too much, I faked illness and got the heck out of there before I caused a bigger problem.
The thing is, NLW, you need to get control of who you really are. I lived a nice life. My H and I were classy people. It has long been important to me to be classy. Then all of this occurred and I felt like I was thrown into an episode of Jerry Springer... HORRIFYING. Thing that took a long time for people to beat into my head? I didn't need to participate in this particular episode of Jerry Springer. Those two could parade around making themselves look bad (and believe me, they did), but I needed to connect with WHO I AM. I was a classy person. And I would not give them the power to take that away from me. Did I feel rage? You bet I did! And you are NOT a bad person for feeling that. You are NOT even a bad person for what you did. There are a lot of people who will stand up and say that what your H and this hideous woman has done is sick and wrong. I feel like beating your OW's behind. But, is that who you are? Is that being true to who you want to be? I don't know, I've read a lot of your stuff and I think your story is similar to my own. Do NOT give these people the power to make you who you aren't. Decline an appearance on their episode of Jerry Springer.
You want something NLW that you aren't going to get... especially from OW. You want them to apologize. You want them to tell you that they understand what they did was wrong. You want them to explain their disgusting behavior. You want them to pay for what they have done. How could 2 people be so incredibly blind to the fact that they have torn apart lives? They have torn your life apart!!! Thing is, NLW, they MUST remain blind in order to continue their behavior. They need to downplay some of the crappy behavior so that they can live with themselves. You are NOT going to get this understanding from them, at least right now. And by handing your power over to them? You push them further into their fog that somehow they are justified in their poor behavior. Be true to yourself.
And yes, yes, yes. Get a lawyer and protect yourself. This man is not the least bit concerned about your wellbeing right now. So you MUST be.
