It's been a while and I think I should start a new thread because things are changing and my mind too.
My H wrote me awhile ago, saying the same old things such as he wants to find out what he wants and we should separate to see how it works, etc. I didn't reply, honestly I do not know what to say. I know he was still with the OW. I laughed and cried while reading that msg. I thought he would bring up the D but he didn't. I am assuming he is just trying to make it easier for himself to say D later. We still have no contact. But he'd know what I'm doing I assume from his parents, if he wants to.
I cried and cried for months, and tried to get him back. I blamed myself for so long as the one who messed up our marriage. Now, I am able to stop doing that to hurt myself.
I don't know what to do now. Honestly, I wish he could be back to that innocent great man and that I would love to work with him to solve any problem in our marriage and live a good life together, but from what I see, it is not happening.
One thing he did I do not quite understand is that, he changed his own bank account into a joint one with his parents. We do not have a joint bank account together. We really do not have anything together. His car was given by his parents, my car was bought by my parents. Now I have a good job while he still doesn't have a job, and he is spending all the money on that girl like crazy.
I sometimes want to start the D process myself, does anyone else have similar experience? We do not really have an issue as to split properties, at least that's what I think, although I do feel like he cheated and that he should pay me back in some way. Should I even talk to a lawyer? Should I start the D myself? I just feel trapped now.
Any advice or suggestions would be really appreciated!
One thing he did I do not quite understand is that, he changed his own bank account into a joint one with his parents. We do not have a joint bank account together. We really do not have anything together. His car was given by his parents, my car was bought by my parents. Now I have a good job while he still doesn't have a job, and he is spending all the money on that girl like crazy.
If he doesn't have a job then he probably did this so he can mooch off his parents.
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I sometimes want to start the D process myself, does anyone else have similar experience? We do not really have an issue as to split properties, at least that's what I think, although I do feel like he cheated and that he should pay me back in some way. Should I even talk to a lawyer? Should I start the D myself? I just feel trapped now.
Just think about it long and hard and make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. A lot of LBS's decide to initiate D because they feel like it gives them control of the sitch, but going through with it doesn't bring the closure or peace-of-mind they expected. You really need to be completely and totally detached to initiate D yourself. Ask yourself if you're there yet. Have you gotten to the point where you are living your own life and nothing your H says or does has any impact on your own PMA? Don't pursue D because you're hoping to wake him up, only do it if you're 100% detached and ready to move on.
One thing about a D lawyer is their main objective is not reconciliation. It is to get you what is best for you. It will force your H to get a D lawyer and I think at that point reconciliation would become less likely. Is your goal still reconciliation? A D lawyer will not push you closer to that goal.
One thing he did I do not quite understand is that, he changed his own bank account into a joint one with his parents. We do not have a joint bank account together. We really do not have anything together. His car was given by his parents, my car was bought by my parents. Now I have a good job while he still doesn't have a job, and he is spending all the money on that girl like crazy.
If he doesn't have a job then he probably did this so he can mooch off his parents.
Quote:
I sometimes want to start the D process myself, does anyone else have similar experience? We do not really have an issue as to split properties, at least that's what I think, although I do feel like he cheated and that he should pay me back in some way. Should I even talk to a lawyer? Should I start the D myself? I just feel trapped now.
Just think about it long and hard and make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. A lot of LBS's decide to initiate D because they feel like it gives them control of the sitch, but going through with it doesn't bring the closure or peace-of-mind they expected. You really need to be completely and totally detached to initiate D yourself. Ask yourself if you're there yet. Have you gotten to the point where you are living your own life and nothing your H says or does has any impact on your own PMA? Don't pursue D because you're hoping to wake him up, only do it if you're 100% detached and ready to move on.
Thank you so much for your reply. I felt weird that he has a joint account with his parents now because I feel like he did this because of me. But your reason is probably better than mine!
I miss the "old" him but I don't see him ever being that again. I think now is a good time for us to divorce because we really do not have any property to divide or any child to take care of. So in my mind, it would be a fairly easy divorce. I do not want to do this to wake him up, I think if he wants to be back, he can try, but unless he gets to that point, I am being trapped.
Another reason I want D now is that, I do not want to be the "bad" person, I mean if I wait for him to start the D, how is he going to reason it? Apparently not that he is cheating. I guess I do not really understand the D process too well. I just don't see what is good for me or us to be like this right now. We are not even legally separated! I feel like he is just trying to see if he works out with this girl right now, and I do not want to be his back up plan.
Another thing is, I am buying a new car and moving into a new apartment, is it going to be our shared property now somehow? Although he never comes back for almost 8 months?
One thing about a D lawyer is their main objective is not reconciliation. It is to get you what is best for you. It will force your H to get a D lawyer and I think at that point reconciliation would become less likely. Is your goal still reconciliation? A D lawyer will not push you closer to that goal.
Thank you VeryGrateful, I kinda feel like I would not "try" to do anything between us now. I don't know if I need a D lawyer since I feel like our case is not very complicated. I didn't know that if I get a lawyer, then he will have to get one. At this point, I think if he somehow becomes that good old him again to me, I'd consider reconciliation, if not, I am not asking anything anymore. I just want out and have my new life.
