I see a lot of posting suggesting that we were partially to blame when our spouses walked out on us. In hindsight we all could have done better. We did some less than ideal things but we DID not walk out on a marriage. There are many people that feel that a spouse is partially to blame when the other spouse has an affair. I DON"T !!
Have you read the DB books that form the basis of this approach to marital crisis? And what good does it do YOU to deny any responsibility in your hs' behavior? What if a man or woman denies his spouse sex, for years? Is the affair even a little more understandable than in a marriage where the spouse was a willing and warm lover? ALL affairs are equally wrong and impossible to justify at all? What about the number? Is 1 affair less wrong than 46?
Sure, I agree that it is possible to have played no role in an affair of a spouse. One really could have been a perfect wife and he could still cheat. Though it's rare, it has happened.
To me, that's the worst case scenario b/c then you really are powerless. After all, you were perfect and he still blew it.
There's nothing you can do in that situation except end the marriage.
(Does that make anyone here feel better?) We had 3 mc's tell my h he was being "selfish" or "not putting his family first" and "being unfair" to me. Though I felt "right" and vindicated, my victory was short lived.
After all, my h still made the choices he made. I was 'right" but I was miserable AND powerless. What do YOU DO if the spouse is "wrong"?
The best news to get is that you DID play a role in the problems b/c then you can do something about them. You are NOT powerless.
When a spouse has an affair it is solely their decision to do that. No one MADE them or justified it for them.
Yet in almost all the affairs, the WAS feels justified. How is that? Surely some are simply selfish serial cheaters. In a way, good riddance.
But what about the others? HOW did they rationalize their choices?
Please don't beat yourself up with all the things you could have done better. You did that best you could, given what you knew, AT THE TIME. We learn from it and quit frankly become a better person for it.
HOW do we learn from it if we don't take a personal moral inventory ourselves? If it's all their fault and we played NO role in it, what is there to learn?
How will we be "better for it" then?
Your wife left... you did NOT make her leave.
Yes, I know I will have a bunch of people disagree with me... so be it.
I have been following all your posts. You are a good guy and don't you forget it !!
I too have a few bad days... as we all do. But they are getting less and less...
I would not spend the time with Tad that I have, if I didn't believe he's at heart a good decent man. That's why I told him to take the hair shirt off.
Asking him what he's learned and if he played a role in the demise of his marriage, and urging him to make his life better NOW, is unrelated to his ex-wife's affair. It's also unrelated to ANYTHING his ex wife is doing now.
Do you see how?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
