Bare with me as I just found this site and have not memorized the abbreviations yet. My husband & I will be married 10 years on March 1st. I am 38, he is 35, we have two children 4 & 6. On December 16th I discovered my husband was having an affair. I found out because I checked the GPS feature on his phone. The reason I was suspicious is because although my husband has always made it a priority to go out with his friends and encouraged me to go out with mine throughout our whole relationship, during the past maybe year or so he had been just awful about returning my texts and letting me know when he'd be home. Also he has a drinking problem, I'd call it a functioning alcoholic, drinks nightly but only gets "drunk" on the nights he doesn't work the next day. I grew up in a home where my dad drank but also functioned. I don't like the fact my husband feels he has to drink all the time, but it wasn't something I was willing to end my marriage over and I probably put up with it more than I should more to keep peace, both of us hate confrontations.
Anyway, because a few times he's driven home with more to drink then he should have plus the whole "forgetting about his family" tendencies while out with his buddies I'd started to monitor where he was using the phone GPS...and it turned out he was where he'd said he was going to be so I laid off the monitoring. During football season he goes out every Sunday and he started being even worse at returning texts or phone calls so on that Sunday when I saw he was at a bar 45 minutes away and not where he said he was I started monitoring it and sure enough an hour later he was at a hotel. When I confronted him he lied about why he was there, drinking with friends wanted to get away from the noisy bar, then the next day admitted he was there with a girl and they "kissed" (he admitted it was sexual later after he knew I wasn't buying it). He was very apologetic and said he would do anything and he knew he messed up big time. So we signed up for marriage counseling and a week later without talking in between )I slept upstairs with the kids he slept in guest room) we met at therapy. He admitted the affair was going on 3-4 weeks wouldn't say who as lady was married too & he could effect his work (he's a cop) so I was left with lots of answered questions. He said it was over he said it meant nothing it just happened and it would never happen again because of how awful he felt for putting me & the kids through this.
After therapy and hearing my decision to work this out for the sake of our marriage and I know it would be best to keep the family together in the long run, I think he felt motivated that I wasn't going to leave with the kids and for a while was in "kiss butt" mode. Then something changed and he became moody & depressed. I started writing him letters telling him I'd be willing to work this out, I need for him to come clean about everything & then we can heal and move on. When he never responded I confronted him because I felt I was in limbo, he then said he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore and he didn't know who he was anymore, I deserved better, etc, there were many nights he almost left in the middle of the night. He also said he didn't know if he could ever be the kind of man I deserved, he said he didn't think he had a drinking problem but it's something he enjoyed and didn't think he could ever give it up if I wanted him to. After hearing that I kind of gave up trying because how do I change someone's mind who decided he doesn't want to be married?
I had planned a girl's cruise for the weekend of Jan 18th & I decided to still go because even though there was a chance I would be sad the whole weekend it would at least be a distraction. So that whole week I got my hair done, my nails done, got eyelash extensions and went tanning at night and kind of ignored him. Little did I know I was DBing lol. The day of the cruise he was very nice, helped me with my luggage and even hugged me goodbye although I don't know how much was for show to the girl who was picking me up. He took the kids camping that weekend and when I got back he was very chatty about camping and what he and the kids did that weekend.
I was feeling empowered so the following day I brought up doing a trial separation because I did not want to feel sick all the time in my own house walking on eggshells because I didn't know if my husband was going to ignore me all day or make small talk like I was a neighbor and I knew whatever is was it was uncomfortable. Although he stopped marriage counseling the day the counselor accused him of feeling sorry for himself and not thinking of how he hurt me, he has continued to go to therapy for himself. He was very receptive to the trial separation but when he started talking about keeping the kids at home and us taking turns leaving I got defensive because I felt like I was getting kicked out of my own house and I did nothing wrong. He had suggested renting a room in someone's home like a Casita and sharing it. I started backpedaling because I started freaking out about being away from my kids so we dropped the subject, he said we could sleep on it. He also said that his mind wasn't made up about us and he didn't feel as strongly about leaving me as he did the week before when he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be married. That was a week ago Tuesday.
Wednesday we had a nice dinner together as a family and I had left him a letter saying how I didn't think we were a lost cause & maybe we should go back to counseling and I told him to check out the Retrouville website I had looked up. Well I know know that all the letters were only working to push him away and I would have stopped them even if I hadn't read the book because when he say the last letter he looked pissed rolled his eyes and said "ANOTHER letter??" and here I thought I was being helpful letting him know how I was feeling, oops. Friday he texted me to see if I wanted to go to a kids birthday party on Saturday with him and the kids & I said ok I will get the present. So we went, he introduced me as his wife, but he hung out with his buddy the whole time and I played with the kids and kind of hung out with the hostess. Since then he's seemed even more distant.
I read the Divorce Remedy book on Sunday so since then I haven't been around when he is but for the most part that isn't difficult. He works noon to 10pm so in the morning I am taking kids to school and where I used to wait up and watch tv at night and hope he joined me, now I go to bed before he gets home. I see on the computer he is still looking up rooms for rent, so I am wondering if he thinks I am avoiding him because I am angry. I have been very positive in the little interaction we have had. We have a puppy that is on a strict schedule for housebreaking so I have to tell him the last time the dog went out and then I told him we needed dog food. He just looks sad and responds simply "ok". I am feeling discouraged because so far I haven't seen any positive changes since I've been distancing, he has not texted me once. and is still moping around the house.
I also want to put out there as back story that we have both had some very traumatic events happen in the past 10 years we've been married. Our first born son passed away in March 2005 in the hospital on the day he was born due to unknown reasons. We both went to a support group together for almost a year and we were very close during that year. I think my husband may have started drinking more after that. He is a cop so his job is very stressful as it is, but he has had more than his share of life & death situations including having a gun put to his head and the trigger pulled without a bullet in the chamber by the grace of God, having a bad guy ambush him in a underground parking lot and almost getting choked out while the bad guy was getting his gun from the holster, and having almost been run down twice while in a shooting the second time the shot killed the bad guy. All those events including the death of our son he has briefly "dealt with" then said he was "over it". I think the drinking is a form of self medicating plus his mother drinks so it's in his family.
I know he has so many issues he needs to sort out before he can deal with us, I'm just glad I found this forum so I can see if what I am doing is the right thing, I'd love more than anything to put this family back together...
Well been detaching all week and it seems like he is pulling further away. Won't even acknowledge I am in the room when he comes home. I have been going to bed early before he gets home but I wanted to actually watch some TV after the kids went to bed last night & so I was up when he got home. He's supposed to get off work at 10 but has been coming home early like at 8:30/9pm the past few days. I think to be able to say goodnight to the kids. Last night he came home I told him the kids had just gone down so he went up & to lie with them & probably watch TV. I watched my shows then when he came downstairs around 10:30pm I said goodnight & went to bed. I only said goodnight to make sure he didn't think I was being moody & giving him the cold shoulder plus I figured would be polite like that to a neighbor so that wasn't really being pursuing right? After I took my older daughter to 1st grade today I had coffee with a friend thinking he'd be gone when I got back. He wasn't gone yet so I had to go inside & grab my purse before I took my 4 year old son to gymnastics. He didn't even look my direction but was friendly to our son & hugged him. I just left without saying goodbye. I did have to text him to see if he was working tomorrow, we have a kids birthday party about an hour away & puppy is still house training. Darn that puppy I have to interact with him way more because of potty schedules uugh.
Then something changed and he became moody & depressed.
He was probably grieving the loss of OW. This may sound unfair, but when a spouse leaves their affair partner they DO grieve the loss of that person. It can take weeks or months for them to completely get over it, the best you can do in the meantime is offer them emotional support and give them some distance to grieve on their own.
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I started writing him letters telling him I'd be willing to work this out, I need for him to come clean about everything & then we can heal and move on.
You were probably applying too much pressure too soon. It can take a lot of time and a lot of counseling to recover from an affair.
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When he never responded I confronted him
Ouch. Yeah, that was pressure for sure. When he didn't respond he was sending you the message that he wasn't ready to go there yet.
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After hearing that I kind of gave up trying because how do I change someone's mind who decided he doesn't want to be married?
You can't change his mind, but he can. So you change the one thing you can control- YOU. Do 180's on your faults in the M. Detach. GAL. Give your H time and space to appreciate the new you, and hopefully he'll eventually decide to give the M another shot.
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I was feeling empowered so the following day I brought up doing a trial separation
The LBS should NEVER bring up S or D. You can talk about it if the WAS bring it up, but don't force it. That needs to be the WAS's decision. Do you tend to control and manipulate things in the marriage? I'm just asking because that's how it appears when you try to force an S. Think about it, if that's how you've been then you might consider a 180 on that.
I realize bringing up the separation was a bad idea now, but I was acting on the advice of my therapist who said us bring in the same room together was bringing up so much raw emotions and pain the separation could be healing. I googled healing separation & found a great article. I realize that that would never work unless he was ready to do something like that. I guess my hope was that he would be away from me and the kids and realize what he was missing and miss us so much he would come back home quickly. My question is now that it's out there if he does bring it up again what do I say, I've changed my mind? I'm at a different place now I don't feel the need for you to leave but I'll do what you think is best? What do you suggest?
As for controlling the relationship that's funny because I feel like I had no control. We have separate bank accounts he works, I'm a stay-at-home mom so he pays all the bills and give me a semi weekly allowance to spend on Walmart trips fun things for the kids movies etc. and I feel like a little kid having to ask my dad for money when I need it. He went out whenever he wanted with his friends and even if I didn't like it would give me a hard time that I was overreacting if I felt like he waa spending to much time away from home or I didn't like the fact he was spending time with partyers and single people, instead of going to kids parties with me on the weekends or having family time at home or even just hanging out the 2 of us. It was never worth fighting over so I always just swept things under the rug. Plus after the death of my son I felt why sweat the small things and to pick my battles. He was an only child and always used to getting his own way and according to his mother walks on water, lol. So not sure if he feels entitled to more or something?
So I will continue to be detached & have fun with my kids & do stuff for myself...
Ok so I have been detaching all week, going to bed before H gets home from work, or watching my shows and ignoring him when he comes home except for a brief friendly look to acknowledge him coming home (so he doesn't think I am moping or being pissy). For the most part he just comes home from work, makes himself his drinks then goes into the garage to drink & watch tv so it was like this most of last week.
Saturday I had errands in the morning and then went to a birthday party with good friends with the kids so we only saw each other briefly. Kids & I had a great time, I left the party thinking how lucky I am to have such great friends, I felt happy.
Sunday I had told H I was planning an afternoon with my girl friend so could he take the kids to the Super Bowl party, he said sure. That morning when I came downstairs after getting ready he actually looked me in the eye when we talked about plans for the day, arranging kid pick ups, etc. First time all week. I think he was a little surprised to see me dressed up and may have been wondering where I was going. He didn't ask, I didn't offer. Thought it was better to keep him guessing. He texted me that evening with the address to pick up the kids which I was thankful for, I was worried about how much he'd drink and the party and then was worried about him driving home with the kids. H didn't come home from the party till late, not sure when I went to bed before he was home. I texted him to make sure he was coming home so I would know if I had to set the alarm to take the puppy out at 3am. He responded yeah. I hate that this puppy is causing so much contact with him, I would have rather just gone to bed without texting him...
Monday I took my D6 to school and H was sleeping late, assumed he had a hangover. Went upstairs to play board games in my room with my S4 so I wouldn't have to face him when he got up. H came up & knocked on door to tell me he was going to get his truck serviced, and what was "our" plans for today. I said just taking S4 to preschool later. He said he could pick him up if I wanted. I said ok. That afternoon after I picked up my D6 and we met back at the house after he got my S4 he was all smiles and offered to fix a cord the dog had chewed up in my car. I told him he would have the kids that evening as my friend had just told me she was in labor & I offered to come visit & bring her daughter to her. When I got home H was upstairs with kids, I started watching my shows. He came down to the kitchen & started telling me about the chicken he had BBQ'ed and he had tried a new recipe etc.
So does it appear as if detaching is working or am I reading into things?? I am really trying to make this detachment more about me and getting me healthy... it is just such a switch from being concerned with what he is feeling, or doing etc. I hope it gets easier, my friends are commenting on how great I look and how I appear much more calm but it still feels foreign to me. It's so hard not knowing if this is actually doing any good and I hate not having any control over that. What really just cuts me to the heart is the fact that I keep thinking about how nice a hug would be and then feeling sorry for myself knowing I may never get a hug again from him (as a husband hugs his wife) although I am wanting to kick myself for still having those feelings!! I know it doesn't help anything! Uugh, only thing to do is snuggle my kids and pray.
Another issue is H's birthday is Saturday. I know better than to give him a gift, I will have the kids make him cards from them. And I was thinking of getting a cake more so because the kids will expect it. Other than that do I just go on as if it's a normal day?
My question is now that it's out there if he does bring it up again what do I say, I've changed my mind? I'm at a different place now I don't feel the need for you to leave but I'll do what you think is best? What do you suggest?
Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" will tell you that the WAS feels caged in and so you need to open the cage door to them. This is basically what I told my W: "I want you to stay here and work on the marriage, but most of all I want you to be happy and if you feel that leaving will make you happy then I support your decision and will help you in whatever way I can." Notice that I didn't tell her to leave, and I didn't agree with her decision to leave. I just told her that I supported HER in whatever decision she was making. So she still had to make the decision, it was her choice.
Originally Posted By: momof2cuties
Another issue is H's birthday is Saturday. I know better than to give him a gift, I will have the kids make him cards from them. And I was thinking of getting a cake more so because the kids will expect it. Other than that do I just go on as if it's a normal day?
Not everyone agrees with this but personally I feel that if you're still under the same roof then you should follow through on tradition. As you said it's as much for the kids as your H. W's bday was after BD but before she moved and I did give her a small party. It didn't help our sitch one bit, but the kids enjoyed it and I think she did too. I have no regrets.
Have you ever gone to AlAnon or ACOA? I lot of what you get there is much like DBing, detaching with love, allowing others to live their lives, but you get in person support and a place to learn new behaviors. It can be a great adjunct to what you're doing here.
Your H has problems you can't fix and you really don't know what they are. Give all that to him. You didn't break him, you can't fix him.
Work on you. Who do you want to be?
My condolences on your tremendous loss. ((()))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
My husband & I will be married 10 years on March 1st. I am 38, he is 35, we have two children 4 & 6. On December 16th I discovered my husband was having an affair. I found out because I checked the GPS feature on his phone. The reason I was suspicious is because although my husband has always made it a priority to go out with his friends and encouraged me to go out with mine throughout our whole relationship, during the past maybe year or so he had been just awful about returning my texts and letting me know when he'd be home. Also he has a drinking problem, I'd call it a functioning alcoholic, drinks nightly but only gets "drunk" on the nights he doesn't work the next day. I grew up in a home where my dad drank but also functioned. I don't like the fact my husband feels he has to drink all the time, but it wasn't something I was willing to end my marriage over and I probably put up with it more than I should more to keep peace, both of us hate confrontations. 