Into The Sunset

[ericmsant2]

Ahhh….the wisdom on the boards. Man I miss you guys 
Tad,
Assumption – synonyms (according to Websters) are: persumption, postulate and hypothetical.
One defitions (according to Websters) is : “something taken as being true or factual and used as a starting point for a course of action or reasoning”

Like I said, I do WANT to be done like she obviously is with me.

Why assume she is done with you? Why use the feelings that she is done as “factual”? Why “use” the feeling as a starting point for your actions?
Tad, what is done? Really? What the hell does it mean to Tad? It seems like you want to push yourself to be at the same emotional point that she is at. Why? What is the difference between that and say….living up to the Jones? Tad, be YOU…just the way you are. Learn to like YOU. Learn to be COMFORTABLE with just YOU. Maybe then, you will need feel the need to want to be done....like YOU assume she is.
Live in the hear and NOW. F*ck what she thinks, feels – it does not matter. What matters is what YOU feel.

And you know I thought more about the stuff in your book and how you are two people, of two minds. I think there are a lot of times that I will WRITE things like "I know that I will never be with him again" or "I'm too different to be in a relationship with him again" or even "I'm over him", but then later, I won't feel that way,

Antonia makes an interest comment up there ^^^ ….. Ya know I have no idea if I will ever get back with my XW. RIGHT NOW…this very second, I am 100% sure that will never happen. But what about 2, 3, 5, 10, 15 years from now? Who the hell knows. My point is again…live for today. Live based on the facts and information that you have TODAY. Consider, 25’s story. The little girl lived “in the moment” (db101). She enjoyed the “moments” that she had. Maybe Tad…..your RIGHT NOW IS THIS…….

You know what Tad, you're simply still grieving the woman that once was. The marriage that once was. That's all. And it's ok! It's a Bitch! But it's ok!

Maybe buddy….your just still hurt and that is OKAY.
Wonder Websters definition – “a cause of astonishment or admiration”

I don't care as much as I used to about her bragging, but I still wonder why she does it. Is it to convince others or herself?

I think you still stuggle with being astonished by her actions – hence you wonder. The bigger question though is why does HER ACTIONS always seem to impact YOU and your sense of well being? Better yet, the question is when WILL you finally say that her, her actions, her wedding, her friends, what she is saying, doing, who she is f*cking, etc….. when will YOU finally figure out a way to not have it affect you?

Tad, wondering why she says and does things is going to drive you nuts. Mlcer do this crazy sh@t all of the time and there is no rhyme or reason to it. You aren't dealing w/someone who has a full deck of cards right now. Just let this kind of crazymaking behavior go.

Well said by Snodderly! Ya can’t fix crazy Tad. Ya can’t change her, manipulate her, wish her back – nada. She is gone….at least for now.
BTW….earlier you mentioned that she is done (or you assumed it)….
Consider….

XW texted S20 and wanted him to ask if I would call her

She says that she coughs a lot and can't catch her breath

She told me that she has been diagnosed with Restrictive Respiratory Disease

She told me that it impacts her life a lot and told me sometimes that it is so bad that she pees her pants or vomits.

Is this ^^^^ these quotes….the sign of someone “done”. Not in my mind. I recently have had some very interesting conversations with my mom, who by her own admission had her own MLC. My mom, admitted that he crisis lasted a VERY VERY VERY long time. Matter a fact she referred to it as a “fog”…she actually says that sometime she still feels like she is in it. Anywho….my Mom asked about my XW. I told her what had been going on, etc. and then went on to tell my mom how I was done and just wished my XW would leave me alone, blah, blah, blah. It was my mom, who really helped me realize that my xw….may actually never be done, my xw may never let me go. She went on to explain why, which quite honestly is not the point. My point here is that although you think your X is “done”. She may not be and may never be. Which leads to one of my earlier points……
When are YOU going to take control over YOUR life and stop letting her actions impact you.
You see Tad, it may never be “done”…you guys have kids together…a ton of memories. IMO, it never really ends. What does end is the rollercoaster that we choose to finally get off of. The dropping of the rope (I’ll get to your thread Antonia)…the realization that life is what it is. That this is the lot that we have been given BUT by GOD we will live the best way we can!

Does it ever end?

The pain? Ummm….no not really. I think we learn to deal with it better but it leaves scars.

The feelings you have for her? Ummmm…. Maybe with time and with space.

Her in your life? Ummmm….yes when one of you dies or if you really never say another f*cking word to each other but otherwise, no, you have kids together. Chances are you will have Grandkids too.

How she makes you feel? Hmmmm…. I think yes that DOES end. It ends when you say it does and this is not cliché. It really ends when you finally have had enough. When you are tired of feeling like doggie do do and WHEN YOU FINALLY START TO LIVE FOR YOU!

So Tad, finances aside, books aside, what do you really want for your life and what are doing to achieve it. If you need a suggestion here is one….my life. I want ONE thing more than anything in my life. PEACE. Everything I do or not do is for that one purpose. PEACE. For me, PEACE equals happiness. SO what do I do? I try as best as I can to avoid putting myself in positions where I may not feel peaceful…one of those is speaking to my XW. My emails are short and to the point. I do not call, nor will I answer her call. Why? PEACE. I also try and do things that make me smile, laugh and have a good time.

So Tad, aside from your XW…what are you doing? Where is your mind at?

[uRworthy]

Oh Tad, you break my heart. I am so sorry that you hurt like this.

I am of the belief that you get where you need to be when you get there. There is no timeline, no right or wrong way, no magic step.

But, you can hinder your progression through all this. I know you want to understand how she can do this, why she did this. And I get that. I do.

I think you have to just accept that there are things in this life that we are just not going to understand. No matter how difficult that is to get your mind around, once you accept that, I think you can begin to move further along.

You and your exwife have a history together, children together. And so, it is natural for her to want to continue to have contact with you. In her mind, what she's done doesnt change your connection. An mlcer compartmentalizes the parts of their lives.

So, you can choose to have contact or not. Your choice. But know that if you choose to have some contact, you have to be detached or you will continue to spin with each conversation.

In my opinion, given your reaction to this conversation, you're aren't ready for it.

Tad, you are still in love with her. And so, this hurts. For me, I loved my xh so much that I wanted him to find happiness, even if it meant I had to let him go. To me, love should be unconditional.

So, right now she is moving forward with her life. She wants to be able to touch base with you from time to time without their being any drama. That's what she wants. What do you want?

Whatever you decide, do what is best for you right now. The decision you make does not have to be forever.

And try to have the mindset that you do not understand and that's ok and that she is crazy right now and that is what it is.

No one knows what the future holds. But for right now, you are wasting a large part of your life pining for someone that you cannot have.

Life is too short, Tad. Time to get to gettin."

[uRworthy]

edit...should be you aren't ready.
without there being.

[AJM]

Hey Tad. Nothing to add. You got some great thoughts out there. Just dropping by to say hi and I'm still hoping you're doing well. I think you're still progressing if that helps.

Peace,
AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. I am okay.

It is Super Bowl Sunday. In years past, my wife and I and our four boys would go to her sister's house and watch the big game. Not this year. X is going to her sister's. She invited all of our boys, but the oldest had to work and the other three have decided to spend it with me. Yay.

I remember reading somewhere that it takes about a month for every year of marriage to get through this. That might be the case, but I think it might take a little longer. We were married 26 years and it has now been 25 months. I'm not done. But.....if this is true, wouldn't it also be true for the MLCer?

Tad

[25yearsmlc]

You know what Tad, you're simply still grieving the woman that once was.

The marriage that once was.

That's all. And it's ok!

It's a Bitch! But it's ok!

I think we mourn it so deeply because we still have very much unfinished business with these spouses of ours. And if that's not bad enough they're still walking around "haunting" us, with their weird contacts and such.

Honestly it's would be easier if they had died. I've heard so many people say that. I agree!

Ask yourself why that is true. I think it's because we let our wounded egos affect us too deeply for too long. Just mho.

It's been so painful to see XH act like Old Husband from time to time and then realize the situation we're in now. Like a horrible nightmare you can't wake from.

I agree with how it really is with people that remain friends after divorce. Honestly a mutual agreement and amicable divorce is the only way I can see being friends with the ex spouse.


Not to quibble, but I have seen couples manage to get along well "enough" even though the divorce was not mutual. I think it's rare that a divorce begins as a mutual thing anyhow.

My older sister's h left her for OW, after 22 years of m & 3 kids. She handled it with a lot dignity and strength though she was deeply wounded.
She deeply loved her h. But B/C of the kids, she chose to keep things civil.

Sure enough, he remarried and later, so did she.

My sister is comfortable around her ex now. She has realized he did her a favor b/c he was very high maintenance in their m, and her "new" h (10 years now) really gets her, and he treats her better than her ex h ever would have.

I guess my sister feels lucky after all. That makes it easier for her to be civil and even warm to him. I'm not saying his new w is comfortable when they're all together like at a graduation, but who cares how OW feels?

(SIDENOTE, the family of my former BIL, LOVED my sister and were so angry with their son when he left my sister. So when my sister's former mil died suddenly, her ex h called HER, not his present wife. They both cried. In the former MIL's obit, it said "survivors include" and listed her sons and his new wife and then it said "and the beloved mother of my grandchildren"..and listed my sister's name". Bittersweet & beautiful)

I believe the comfort level my sister feels with her ex is based on HER life going well, not his life failing, which it isn't. I think HER feeling happy within makes all the difference.

In a way she knows her ex did her a favor. He never would have realized what a great catch my sister is, had he not dumped her for OW...only to realize her "flaws" were so minor compared to her gifts/qualities.

Just mho. But I have seen it. And the divorce was NOT mutual and at the time, not very amicable.


That's how I felt about XH. He pulled the "friends" behavior and just wouldn't leave it alone! But like you, true friends don't do that to others.

But we do have friends who "wrong" us and often, we cut them slack or we forgive them. OR we learn to see things from their perspective. (Off the top of my head, I can't recall a single time Tad has mentioned one thing he wishes he'd done better as a h...did I miss it Tad? Do you recall any flaws you want to work on?)

If we have children with our former spouses, we still have duties to our children to MINIMIZE the affect of the divorce on them. Tad, how do you see your efforts there?

I say we have to maintain some civility. Besides, w/Tad, there's still just way too much focus on HER and a lot of measuring of how her life is going ---
as if that dictates HIS level of happiness.

I mean, If HER car works well and his does not, Tad may see that as a cruel irony. But I say it's not relevant.

If Tad wins the lottery, does that mean his ex w should be sad? Or poorer??

Of course not. So if something goes well in her life OR IF SHE REALLY IS HAPPY--
WHY does that count "against" his happiness? It does not PROVE that he was a bad h.

IMHO, we spend way too much time reassuring Tad (hoping??) that she's NOT really happy. Why? What difference should it make to TAD if she's not happy?
Why do we pretend it reflects on HIM?

IF she has changed and now needs someone else for her happiness, that's not on him. And if he did fail her in some ways as a h, then let him realize it and learn from it.

Down deep shouldn't we all hope for the best for the parents of our children? Anyone I spend that much time with deserves me at least not wishing ill for them.

Her happiness/misery is NOT an index for HIS happiness/misery.

Tad, when you stop seeing a relationship between how HER Life is going

and yours, you'll have learned a valuable lesson about detachment.

[Delboy]

Hi Tad your quote: 'We were married 26 years and it has now been 25 months. I'm not done. But.....if this is true, wouldn't it also be true for the MLCer?'

I've heard it can take 1 year for every 7 years of the relationship to come to terms with it. And in some cases it can take longer than that. It took me about 4 1/2 years to fully come to terms with it. But every now and again it can still hit me! but nowhere near as bad as it used to. And feck her I say! (my EX W that is).

Love

Delboy

[MrBond]

"I remember reading somewhere that it takes about a month for every year of marriage to get through this."

No the saying is that when you're healing a marriage during reconciliation it takes 1 month of hard work together for every year of marriage.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks for the responses. 25, to answer your questions:

If we have children with our former spouses, we still have duties to our children to MINIMIZE the affect of the divorce on them. Tad, how do you see your efforts there?

I'm doing better here. I don't talk about it as much and I have stopped asking S18 questions when he returns from her place.

(Off the top of my head, I can't recall a single time Tad has mentioned one thing he wishes he'd done better as a h...did I miss it Tad? Do you recall any flaws you want to work on?)

Yes, I did post these here early on.

I could have been more supportive

Showed her more affection

Worked less (I thought I was doing the right thing. Kind of hard to turn down a $600 appearance fee for 2 hours of work. I worked a lot so we could live comfortably.)

Could have made her feel important - guess I took things for granted.

I never considered myself to be judgemental, but according to her I guess I was.

I shouldn't have assumed that she knew the way I felt about her.

I know there were a lot of things that I could have done differently. I did the best I could though.

I can't get over the feeling that the best 25 years of my life were nothing but a lie. Atleast, it seems that way to me....

Tad

[whitneypinch]

Hi Tad,

I see a lot of posting suggesting that we were partially to blame when our spouses walked out on us.
In hindsight we all could have done better. We did some less than ideal things but we DID not walk out on a marriage.

There are many people that feel that a spouse is partially to blame when the other spouse has an affair. I DON"T !!
When a spouse has an affair it is solely their decision to do that. No one MADE them or justified it for them.

Please don't beat yourself up with all the things you could have done better.
You did that best you could, given what you knew, AT THE TIME.
We learn from it and quit frankly become a better person for it.

Your wife left... you did NOT make her leave.

Yes, I know I will have a bunch of people disagree with me... so be it.

I have been following all your posts.
You are a good guy and don't you forget it !!

I too have a few bad days... as we all do. But they are getting less and less...