After I read your posts and thought more about the night I think I may have written it a little backwards. W got quiet first and when I noticed is when I started thinking and got down. Not sure if that's any better since I let her energy change my attitude but I'm still pleased overall how I handled it. I see there is more room for growth (not let it affect me at all) but I'm happy I was able to get it out of my head quickly. Always more work to do
Bug/ Tori, When I started thinking last night it did cross my mind to say something but decided not to because I didn't want to seem like I was pressuring a talk or anything like that. Hopefully one day we'll get to that point but I'm trying to take everything real slow right now and give her space and just be friends. That's why I tried to make a few jokes about a few pictures to act 'as if' it wasn't bugging me rather than sit there in total silence.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Great job Spartan. Let her come to you. Me and W still haven't talked about the past. She makes subtle little jokes about it. Like "you had it better in the spareroom" referring to our kids crawling into bed with us etc.. Just keep focusing on you and watch the dynamics change.
Still treading along with theme being just to be friends with W. She has been joining us for most everything lately. Could be she's just being nice before cruise but it doesn't really matter, better than the alternative.
We got almost 5 inches of snow last night and W had to work early shift. I woke up at 5:30 this AM and instead of P90x (or XBOX) I went outside and cleaned her car and shoveled everything. She was pretty surprised and sent me text later.
Have daddy/ daughter dance tonight that I'm REALLY excited about. Got D7 a hair appointment at the spa before the dance so they can get her hair done up (for some reason she was concerned with how I would do her hair ). D7 bought a new pink dress from Justice that she can't wait to wear. To do a complete 180 I bought a bright pink and purple tie that matches her dress. D7 and W were shocked to see it and still not sure they believe I'll wear it. I rarely wear ties and when I do nothing like that. Letting more of my fun/ goofy side out. W asked about meeting up after dance (her and D4 are going out to dinner) for dessert. Should be a fun night.
Next book to start this weekend is Codependant No More. Finished up Battlefield of Mind and The Happiness Trap this week.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
"Could be she's just being nice before cruise but it doesn't really matter, better than the alternative."
Still mind reading a little here. I know it is hard. I always thought my W is going to D me right after vacation, right after thx giving, right after xmas, right after her birthday, right after she takes a dump, right after etc...
You are doing great Spartan. I am psyched for you. Keep up the good work
Journaling… It’s been over a week since I updated my sitch so here goes. W and I are treading along being friends and having a good time. I have to say there is more laughter in the house the last couple weeks than there has been in years. It’s just a feeling of calm which is tough to explain with the D hanging overhead, just not letting it affect things. Daddy/ daughter dance was a blast, D7 is still talking about it. I’ve been talking with church director this week about setting one up later in the year. W and I have had no R talk in weeks and to be quite honest I’m not looking for one, I’ve been so busy working on myself that I’m not ready for any talks. We leave for family cruise in a couple days so busy getting ready for that. Everyone seems really excited for it and I think my mind is in right place to truly enjoy it without expectations. On flip side the D is still going through process, in fact I just turned in the huge stack of interrogatories. Next court date is set for 3/12.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
So, onto some updates about me because that’s really what’s it about . Over last couple weeks, with the help of a good friend who seems to be able to read my mind and know the next layer to peel, I have really started digging deep and looking at myself. I was finding out a lot about myself through the process but seems like everything is clicking together now and I’m really getting things and feel like I’m doing it for the right reason, me. Also been reading a lot of old posts on here from the super vets, they didn’t use 2x4’s back in the day, they hit each other with sledge hammers which is more my style of learning. I digress…I’ll list some of the highlights that we’ve uncovered. The biggest outcome of it all (in case you don’t want to read the entire post and just want to know where I am now) is that I’m finally happy with who I am and who I’m truly becoming and I don’t feel need to get approval or feel like I have to do things. The things I’m doing now are because I want to do them.
Fear This was a tough one to think about but got the ball rolling. I realized that fear actually was controlling many of my decisions and turned me into someone I never wanted to be. I never thought about what it would mean if the fear I had ever came true, I just let the fear itself consume me and it changed the way I acted and saw things. It also turned me into a very negative person because you can’t live in fear and stay positive. This in turn caused many negative things to happen (laws of attraction). Funny that almost every single thing I was trying not to let happen in my life actually happened… I realize that many of the fears I had have come true and guess what, I not only made it through but I’m learning from them and getting stronger. I won’t let fear control me any longer.
Obligation This was another big one that I had never thought about before. To bottom line it I realize almost everything I’ve done in my life was out of an obligation I felt. A lot of time no one put that on me but I just felt I had to do things either to get someone’s approval/ not let them down, or because I felt like I should. There are very few things I can think of that I did just because I wanted to. We deep dove many of the root causes and many come from my own upbringing with dad leaving early… Couple examples include: feeling like I had to help raise my little brother instead of just being a kid, many of the sports I played growing up, even proposing to W because we had dated 5 years and it seemed like I should even though I wasn’t sure, … it’s a long list. I’m leaving the feeling of having to do things for others behind me and I’m just doing the healthy things I want to do.
Love Discussed what I thought love and R’s should look like. Here’s another I had never really thought about and truth be told I had no idea what love even was. I can see some of you (especially the women) just shake your head to think a 38 year old man had never thought about what love actually meant but it’s the truth. Growing up I never really saw a healthy relationship (most family was D’d or widowed) so I thought as long as I gave my W a comfortable life and was faithful that was my job, boy I missed the boat there… I’ m slowly starting to figure this one out.
Changes being real I was hung up on trying to show my W that I was changed rather than just being changed because it’s what I want to do. My end behavior isn’t necessarily different but reasoning behind it is. I can now say it feels real and I’m not acting any more. I’m not doing the 180’s because the book said it will save my M, I’m doing them because I need to because I was an idiot for most of my life. I see that you have to do these changes for you and not to save your M or for someone else. Unless they’re for me they will not stick and are done for the wrong reason. In one of old threads the analogy of a shirt (jacket actually but I like shirt better) was used. Paraphrasing terribly but hopefully you get the point; our changes can’t be like a shirt. We put the shirt on and it looks good to everyone but when you get home you take the shirt off. Eventually someone will see your skin without the shirt on. The changes have to be your skin and be you. I also updated my list of things I want to show the world every day, the things that will be my skin.
Like I said before, I’m finally happy with whom I am but I see just how much more work there is left to do. I think with all this internal work I’ve also taken a lot of pressure off my M and off my W. This is a lot to take in in a relatively short time so I have to prove to myself that I’m living it day in and day out. I can’t expect my W to believe it yet because I’m still making sure and I know what’s in my head. It’s all about the actions one day at a time and ya know what…I’m enjoying my days again.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Damn dog you get it. Keep working on yourself. Keep making connections. Keep getting support because as adults we often forget to get support for ourselves.
). D7 bought a new pink dress from Justice that she can't wait to wear. To do a complete 180 I bought a bright pink and purple tie that matches her dress. D7 and W were shocked to see it and still not sure they believe I'll wear it. I rarely wear ties and when I do nothing like that. Letting more of my fun/ goofy side out. W asked about meeting up after dance (her and D4 are going out to dinner) for dessert. Should be a fun night.
. Over last couple weeks, with the help of a good friend who seems to be able to read my mind and know the next layer to peel, I have really started digging deep and looking at myself. I was finding out a lot about myself through the process but seems like everything is clicking together now and I’m really getting things and feel like I’m doing it for the right reason, me. Also been reading a lot of old posts on here from the super vets, they didn’t use 2x4’s back in the day, they hit each other with sledge hammers which is more my style of learning. I digress…I’ll list some of the highlights that we’ve uncovered. The biggest outcome of it all (in case you don’t want to read the entire post and just want to know where I am now) is that I’m finally happy with who I am and who I’m truly becoming and I don’t feel need to get approval or feel like I have to do things. The things I’m doing now are because I want to do them.