Is this cake eating? 10

[NLW]

Just when I thought I was doing so well....

encountered something i hadn't planned for tonight and fell foul of a massive sense of injustice.

Kids and I stopped off at our local supermarket to get some cash from the ATM.

We were rushed and there was only one park close to where we needed to go.

As we pulled in, D17 exclaimed "There's our car!"

One space away was our big luxury family sedan that H has taken with him, leaving us with no car at all (my parents recently gave us their only car to drive and now, at 85, my mum takes the bus).

Walked in to ATM with D17 and didn't see H. Came back to our car and breathed a small sigh of relief that he hadn't returned to it while we'd been away - as S14 was waiting for us.

I pulled out of the park and then i heard S17 say "That's HER". I looked in the rear view mirror and saw, in the far distance, OW standing stock still, trolley at the ready, about to push down our parking aisle.

She must have memorised my parents' car make and number plate because she then scurried away sideways and into the adjoining aisle.

Now, what did I do?

Not what i should have (i.e. drive away calmly). I gave into to the tremendous rush of adrenalin and monumental sense of injustice that I felt in seeing that b--ch driving MY car when my kids and i don't even have a car to get around in any more.

I drove past her and mouthed some abuse.

Then I drove away.

BUt then, i decided that just wasn't enough. She had just sneered at me and hadn't heard anything that i'd wanted to say.

So, I drove back and got out. By now she was sitting in the driver's seat. I yelled at her to "Get out of my car" and pulled the door open. She slammed it shut and locked it. I stood there telling her to get the hell out of my car.

D17 came over as I was walking away and yelled at OW that she didn't have a car to learn to drive in any more (she got her learners' permit just when H took our car) because OW had it.

Other shoppers in the car park were staring.

It all took about 30 secs, but it rattled OW. She was on the phone to H almost the whole time and he phoned the kids within another 30 secs to yell at them for daring to treat OW like that.

Said he was coming over to speak to them face to face. S14 pointed out that he hadn't bothered to come to see them face to face since before Xmas, so why do it now.

H was livid. He phoned me and texted me to call him urgently but i did not. We stayed out for around 2 hrs before coming home and think we saw his car pulling away from our house just as we drove into our street (I took a rapid detour).

So, SNAFU.
But i really don't care. That was too much to tolerate, i feel. Her driving around in our car when we have been left without even a car to drive.

I know I've detached about H - I don't take the bait any more, But I am completely vulnerable to running across OW and exploding with adrenalin and rage.

My only consolation is thinking about Denver going ballistic on OM when he caught him out in the toilet.

I know I didn't do the best thing, but you have to walk in my shoes to know what it felt like to see her driving our car. The arrogance of the b- tch to be doing it in our local supermarket too, where the kids and i shop 2-3 times a week and all our friends and acquaintances go.

Is it just me? Are you all so in control of yourselves that you can ignore the OW /OM in situations like this?

[labug]

NLW, please, please you must work on all this anger. She could have you arrested and then where would your children be. This is not OK. Acting out of adrenalin and rage can lead you to very bad places.

How do you think your children took all this?

You haven't detached from H and this is all dragging you down.

But I am completely vulnerable to running across OW and exploding with adrenalin and rage. If this is OK for you, why then is it not OK for H to do the things he does?

There is no OW in my sitch so I can't comment on that specifically. But I know when H BDd, my goal, as I stated it to my IC and some friends was, "I will not become and angry, resentful bitter woman who for years tells stories of how terrible her H was." Truly, that was my goal and I've kept it in sight.

I didn't want this experience to define me, but I wanted to use it to help make me stronger.

I'm worried about you. Take care of yourself.

[NLW]

Hi Labug,
Thanks for your words of wisdom.

I have to get over this sense of impotent rage that I feel at the injustice of what's happened to us.

I am in a bad place.
The tax office phoned me a couple days ago, as did the child assistance agency, to say that I had not lodged numerous tax returns form 2004 onwards (WTF?) and would be prosecuted, plus I have to pay back almost $7000 in family benefits that H had been claiming under my name. At the same time I got called by S14's school to say that we were now $14,000 in arrears for his fees. D17's fees for this term arrived in the post the same day (another $7,000).
At her same time, H is sending me threatening emails saying that he won't attend Monday's mediation meeting (where we should address these issues) unless I confirm in writing that I won't request any documentation /analysis of his financial situation.

I feel like I can't take much more of this.

Seeing her driving our family car around our local supermarket was just too much.
The kids were shouting and crying about how wrong it was and I just decided to go and tell her.

No purpose served other than to vent.

Regarding your question;
"If this is OK for you, why then is it not OK for H to do the things he does?"

My view is that there are some things that are just so provocative that it would take a saint to ignore them. And some things are just plain wrong.

OW showing up to my daughter's music concert was one. OW driving our car (when we don't have a car to drive) to places she knows we frequent is another.

She can live her life, but just don't flaunt herself in front of me and the kids.

But yes, I'm worried about me too. Obviously I'm still enraged. It's time for it to be enough.

[keep_going]

NLW,

I am sorry you are going thru all of this, but yes, I feel that you are stuck and honestly are not even listening to the advice you are given.

I KNOW what it is to have an OW in your life. I also know what it is to have her also be part of my kids' life now, and share in my H's life and drive his car, and wear his clothes and use furniture and china, etc., etc., etc. I understand how you feel completely discarded and replaced, but you have CHOICES.

Re. the finances, if you read back in your own threads, a lot of people have given you the same advice. Protect yourself with your lawyer. Ignore your H's threats. Yet you have not done anything about your financial situation and that is why things keep getting worse for you.

I remember you posting about your H doing some very dubious things re. money and how he had been acting irresponsibly. Yet, here you are still hoping he will attend a mediation session.

Don't you think that with all the things he has done to you and your credit and your money that your situation is past mediation? Your L needs to take some strong actions or he will leave you with nothing (if he has not done it yet).

The car situation is another example. You blame H or OW for driving your family luxury car, yet you have allowed for your H to take it without any repercussions, leave you to borrow a car from your mom and in turn, leaving your elderly mom to take the bus!

NLW, you keep expecting your H to make things right and honestly, he has no interest in doing so either for you or your kids at this time. YOU need to fix things for you and your kids, so please, please - work with your lawyer to force your H to fulfill his financial responsibilities and pay his debts.

As for the anger, yes - you need to lose it. Look, I also get very angry, but I don't go off on H or OW. BUG is right. Do you want to end in jail for all of this?

PLEASE - it's time to think about your kids, not your pain, nor the injustice of your situation. Get counseling, go to CODA or ALANON meetings, read, post, meditate, do yoga - anything and everything you can to help you channel your feelings in a positive way.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN HOW YOU ARE BEHAVING AND YOUR KIDS DO AS WELL...

We care for you!
(((((((NLW)))))))))

[AnotherStander]

I gave into to the tremendous rush of adrenalin and monumental sense of injustice that I felt in seeing that b--ch driving MY car when my kids and i don't even have a car to get around in any more.

Are you sure there really is an injustice here? Is the car paid for? If not, could you even afford the payments and insurance, or is that why H has it? And OW didn't take the car, H did. You're entitled to 50% of the marital property, so the car will be half yours in a divorce assuming that it is paid for. And if it isn't, then neither you nor H own the car, the bank does. I don't think this was about the car so much as you just being angry about the whole sitch in general and looking for an excuse to unleash the anger on someone, and who better than OW? Except what you were doing was illegal. Trying to remove her from the car is assault. And you did it in front of the kids. That was just a terribly bad move all the way around.

My question to you is what is your overall goal? Is it to save the M? Did that action move you closer to or farther from your goal? Those are questions you need to ask yourself before saying or doing anything.

I know I've detached about H

If that were true then you may have been annoyed to see OW in the car, but you never would have escalated things like that.

My only consolation is thinking about Denver going ballistic on OM when he caught him out in the toilet.

That's no consolation as he readily admits how wrong he was to do that. These are EXACTLY the kinds of situations that often end in someone getting hurt or killed in "the heat of the moment".

Is it just me? Are you all so in control of yourselves that you can ignore the OW /OM in situations like this?

Absolutely. OM came with W to my house for Christmas. I don't harbor any ill will towards him, he's a nice guy. Another time he drove my kids back to my town (without W) and I met them at the pizza place and we all ate together and I paid for it. My sitch is not his fault. He's a symptom of our marital problems, not the cause. That's detachment.

[BklynMom]

Nlw Think your behavior was totally logical and reasonable. It would break my heart to see that. You are right you would have to be a saint to just breeze on.

However I do know that reacting to this POS OW will not get your H to see the light.

Hang in there, you are a great mom under tremendous emotional and financial pressure. Is there a close family member that can help you sort your finances, it most be over whelming to have all this stuff come due and no one figure it out with.

I love you

[wishing, hoping]

(((NLW)))

I can totally understand why you did what you did. I get it. But protect yourself and don't let that biatch get the best of you. Don't let her get you in a situation like that again.

And if it's your car you have an interest in it. Is your name on it? If so then it's half yours. Is she insured? Is the car insured? Are you liable if she wrecks the car?

Get an attorney and if you have one get that attorney's butt in gear!!! I'm sorry but your H is a cretin and he doesn't deserve you or your kids!! Protect yourself financially and if that car is in your name get it back!

If you're mad then be mad but be smart about it. Protect yourself and the kids

[lostinscared]

NLW,

Sorry for creeping your thread but I had to finally chime in. First? ((((hugs)))) and lots of them.

You mentioned Denver and his run in with OM. I was one of the friends who got the phone call that night and I will tell you that he was amazingly in control for what he ran into. It was a bad scene all around but he managed to stop short of finding himself in legal trouble. This is what you need to worry about. And please, dear Lord, do not think I'm telling you I do not understand the rage, I get it soooo much.

My H had an affair with a woman in the same office both of us worked in. I watched those two parade around and I felt rage. While they both denied the affair, she constantly had words for me and about me. I managed to keep my mouth shut at the office but that didn't happen without a whole lot of support from the people here. Fast forward a couple of years later and we're still married, tried to reconcile, I gave up and moved out... the following weekend there was a facebook pic of other woman at my house. I LOST MY MIND. I thank God I was a plane ride away from home because God knows what I would have done. The key, though? I was removed from the situation. So I'm no better. My heart breaks reading your story, in fact. But? You need to absolutely figure out a way to know when you are about to lose control AND REMOVE YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY. There were times at work where it became too much, I faked illness and got the heck out of there before I caused a bigger problem.

The thing is, NLW, you need to get control of who you really are. I lived a nice life. My H and I were classy people. It has long been important to me to be classy. Then all of this occurred and I felt like I was thrown into an episode of Jerry Springer... HORRIFYING. Thing that took a long time for people to beat into my head? I didn't need to participate in this particular episode of Jerry Springer. Those two could parade around making themselves look bad (and believe me, they did), but I needed to connect with WHO I AM. I was a classy person. And I would not give them the power to take that away from me. Did I feel rage? You bet I did! And you are NOT a bad person for feeling that. You are NOT even a bad person for what you did. There are a lot of people who will stand up and say that what your H and this hideous woman has done is sick and wrong. I feel like beating your OW's behind. But, is that who you are? Is that being true to who you want to be? I don't know, I've read a lot of your stuff and I think your story is similar to my own. Do NOT give these people the power to make you who you aren't. Decline an appearance on their episode of Jerry Springer.

You want something NLW that you aren't going to get... especially from OW. You want them to apologize. You want them to tell you that they understand what they did was wrong. You want them to explain their disgusting behavior. You want them to pay for what they have done. How could 2 people be so incredibly blind to the fact that they have torn apart lives? They have torn your life apart!!! Thing is, NLW, they MUST remain blind in order to continue their behavior. They need to downplay some of the crappy behavior so that they can live with themselves. You are NOT going to get this understanding from them, at least right now. And by handing your power over to them? You push them further into their fog that somehow they are justified in their poor behavior. Be true to yourself.

And yes, yes, yes. Get a lawyer and protect yourself. This man is not the least bit concerned about your wellbeing right now. So you MUST be.

I'm praying hard for you tonight.

LIS

[NLW]

Hi kg,

Thanks for looking in on me with support and advice.

You're probably right:
"I feel that you are stuck and honestly are not even listening to the advice you are given."

I understand that people think I should just let a lawyer handle the finance side, but it really is tricky. I simply don't have money to pay a retainer, nor the monthly fees.

I've just had a new will made and now have to pay for that, and because the tax dept is after me have had to employ an accountant....I just don't now how to pay for more advice at the moment. I know I will have to, but I've already spent thousands on lawyers....The advice has been to let stbx knock himself out via mediation in the hope that he realises that he needs to provide docs. Otherwise it will cost a bomb to get the docs tabled thru court processes.

If I had the funds, I'd be in court in a heartbeat. I don't qualify for legal aid as I earn too much. It's just that I have such monumental debts and bills to pay as well...

Actually, I can't even afford to attend mediation - the mediator took pity on me because of my circumstances and got special, head-office approval to waive my fees - otherwise i simply couldn't have afforded even the small amount that this costs. Sorry to go on, but it really is difficult.

The car sitch is complicated too and would require documentation and forensic accounting even to ascertain who actually owed or paid for it. Stbx has created a nightmare of financial abuse in an extremely long-standing and complicated manner. It will take a lot of unfolding.

But, please believe that i do not expect stbx to do the right thing any more.
He is not in a place to do that.

I am doing things to fix what I can for me and the kids - with lawyers and accountants, so please bear with me - I have to go slow and make use of whatever methods I can when there is simply no money to be had to pay for alternatives.
Lawyers just won't take me pro bono.

I agree with you and bug about the anger. I need to lose it.
I understand.

It's going to be hard, but i have to keep working on it. Sometimes blind rage just seems to erupt. I'd been working on not letting my emotions control me with stbx - by rehearsing potential types of interaction with him and visualising myself calm and in control. It's been working well.

But i never thought I'd be seeing OW getting in my driver's seat and driving our car around (silly, I know) and have to explain it to the kids. Just wasn't prepared. And I blew up at her. And I just really want to clock her... I have to let that go.

Thanks for caring - your words have really helped me through a tough time.

[NLW]

Hey AS, Thank you too for the effort and thought you've put in to helping me through this.

Re the car:
"Are you sure there really is an injustice here? Is the car paid for? If not, could you even afford the payments and insurance, or is that why H has it? And OW didn't take the car, H did. You're entitled to 50% of the marital property,.."

It's so complicated as to need a forensic accountant to decipher what's going on. And given that stbx has gone through all of my money/assets as well as that of our kids and my parents, i doubt that he would be 'entitled' to 50% of anything. And that's the issue. For me it boils down to : he walked and left his wife and kids without a car while taking the family car to buoy his ego/image.

For the record, I did not try to remove OW from the car. I told her to get out of my car and that she had no right to be driving around in it. I was pretty much of the mind that if this is illegal, I'll wear that.

There are some things that just need to be said.
I've said it now and it's done.

Your question about my overall goal is spot on. It was not to save my M that i did what I did. It was to survive with some sense of peace and justice, I suppose.

I think I am at the point of not wanting to save this M any more. It's hopeless, I think, and I don't really want to be married to him. I wanted to save our family with him as father to the kids, but not now, I don't think. We can get on without him. It's shocking for the kids, but he is unsalvageable, it seems.

I get what you're saying about not being detached. Just to me, it seems that I have worked so much on detaching from stbx that i forgot to look at doing same in relation to OW. I know I have to work on that too. It'll take a bit of time...

I can understand how you might be able to deal with an OM in the way that you describe. I feel like it's not possible in my sitch because she was a family 'friend' for years and betrayed and deceived me and the kids and did such rotten things to us in cold and calculated ways.
I hope to detach enough not to care in the long run, but I will never forget what sort of person she is.