P.S. And they are not "demands," they are boundaries. Your position should be "Hey, you're an adult and you're free to do whatever you want, but the man that I choose to be married to will respect my X, Y and Z boundaries."
I just read this in your thread, and this is a GREAT example of where you effectively communicated (and enforced!) a boundary. You weren't "demanding" this thing, you were merely stating -- firmly and lovingly -- this is what I need:
Quote:
H n I had an R talk tonite. H: I was hoping to come over tomorrow morning before work. I'll bring starbucks. (LL-Gifts!) Me: I wanted to talk to you about that. I want to rephrase what I said the other day (only come am n pm if you plan on spending the night once a week and plan on reconciling). I would rather you came am n pm if you plan to make an added effort to reconcile. I want you to know that I have recognized your efforts thus far (family outings, dinner without the kids) but I need to see more. I don't want to say what "more" looks like because I want to leave that up to you.
<<<This is where it gets good. Get your popcorn out.>>>>
H: I don't feel comfortable spending the night because it will confuse S4. He will expect me there everyday and ask these really deep questions about the sitch.
H: I have to admit that last night when I lay down with S4 I struggled to get out of bed and leave. I want to stay.
H: WHen I don't see you guys in the morning I feel empty as if something is missing. My days are long. I feel a mini-depression. The few times I do stop by I have such a good day.
Me: I completely understand. I feel the same way. I look for you when I feel sad or getting depressed but I'm learning to find other ways to deal with that. I get very sad seeing you go and I feel empty inside which is why I would rather you didn't come. Unless I see more effort coming from your part I need to take care of that empty feeling I have inside me.
Perfect.
(OK, back to being the resident hard-ass now . . . )
)
