It took me over 1 year to change the dynamics of my M. I started attending ACOA when I can and I'm flying out to EE thursday. Me and my W are happier then we ever have been in our 10 years of marriage.
Little I think you might have to change some of your thought process:
Like. "my husband made a decision, I think he has"
No you don't. You have no clue what the future will bring. Focus on yourself. Stop mind reading and analyzing. I know it is tough with 3 kids. Simple things. Did you get a cat? Change your hair do. Goto the gym and get a body to die for. Straighten your hair. Cut your hair. Dye your hair. Where fun clothes.
You know you are mind reading. You even state that you are. So may I suggest you STOP.
If you continue to try to figure out craziness, you become crazy.
Definition of insanity is doing the same things day in and day out and expecting different results.
What are you doing different to change the dynamics. What are you doing for self growth to become a woman only a fool would want to leave.
You will make it. Tell yourself that. Continue to get STRONG. You realize the more he thinks he has you hooked the more he wont want to come back.
If it is hard for you to be around your Hubby at times then dont' be. Disappear. If you have to be always be happy. Happier then normal. Stop the pursuit
Read "5 love languages"
What are you doing to GAL? I mean truly GAL? What is your passion? Do you like to cook? Take a class. Is there something you always wanted to do in life? Sky dive? Take 1 day a time.
PoN, Thanks for your great advice. You are absolutely right on all points.
I do know I need to stop mind-reading.
I read 5LL & was not good w meeting H's but he was better w me.
I do think I need to disappear even more when H is around on w/e's. I try to be busy but I also tried something different since being dim wasn't changing anything.
When I try talking to him it is like talking to a wall. He obviously isn't interested in talking about anything other than what we need to (kids, finances)...not mind-reading here, I actually asked him why he wasn't responding to my conversation.
He said, "It's just hard with the situation (OW in his life). Does he actually feel like he's betraying her talking to me?
GAL's...well, I have been meeting up w old friends, exercising my brains off, and going to boys' activities. I also scrapbook at home. Need to get out and meet new people, I think.
Still thinking and researching about getting a cat.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Its up to you whether you stick around while he is there visiting the kids. If it is to painful then I suggest making yourself look really good and when he gets there go out and say you will be back before he leaves.
"When I try talking to him it is like talking to a wall. He obviously isn't interested in talking about anything other than what we need to (kids, finances)...not mind-reading here, I actually asked him why he wasn't responding to my conversation."
What are you trying to talk to him about? Relationship talk? Temperature checking? When my W was silent to me I did not speak with her unless she wanted too outside of kids stuff. We lived under the same roof and I got the silent treatment on Thx Giving and Xmas. Also had a laptop thrown at me and a few nights my kids withheld from me. YOU CAN DO THIS.
"He said, "It's just hard with the situation (OW in his life). Does he actually feel like he's betraying her talking to me?"
Mind reading and analyzing once again
"GAL's...well, I have been meeting up w old friends, exercising my brains off, and going to boys' activities. I also scrapbook at home. Need to get out and meet new people, I think."
great, but join something new where you meet all new people that don't know anything about your situation. for me it was a texas holdem poker league. new people every night. no nonsense. played cards with good people and went home.
"Still thinking and researching about getting a cat." Some inertia here?? What is there to research. Either you want one or don't. If you do goto a local shelter and save an animal. It is actually a great feeling. all of my dogs were rescued.
I am NOT initiating R talks! I just find it uncomfortable to be around him and not to be able to just talk about anything except the kids and finances. It actually drives me crazy when all he does is reviews the kids' schedule for the next day! (Necessary, but when its ALL about that, it is just ...well, limited and robotic.)
I have my kids 7 nights a week right now, so getting out once on the weekends is about all I can manage. Plus, my 3 boys are all busy w own activities and that keeps ME busy too. (Not to make excuses, it just is what it its).
Where did you find new people to meet and new activities???
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
LittleGTO, I can only echo what the others have written. Focus on yourself, let H do what he thinks he needs to do.
I can very well understand that it's tough to meet him every day. I noticed the same in the beginning of my crisis. After BD, when I was still in the house with W, the atmosphere deteriorated by the day, it was tense and icy. I then left the house, predominantly for professional reasons, but the separation also helped me to detach much better than before. Maybe an option is to agree on a clear slot with H and leave the house while he is there, for exercising or shopping. Yes, it's an escape but a justified one. You don't need to torment yourself, you need to feel good! Eventually you'll find the strength to face H more often but for now protect yourself.
One more thing: do you find yourself attractive or do you wish to improve anything about your appearance? Don't be afraid to be "sexy". Not for H but for yourself. And if you manage to attract glances of other men it won't harm your self-esteem either. This "primal" aspect of a marriage gets too little emphasis in the forum, in my opinion.
I am always thankful when I come on here and others have taken the time to post, so thank you!
I tried to fill H in on things that were going on w our kids today, but he seemed impatient and cut me off (on the phone) "do any of the kids need to talk to me?"
I answered, "I guess you're done talking to you. S11 will call you later. Bye." I hung up quickly. I know, I know, not good DBing. Not detached. It just sux that he claims to "care about me" but his signals read "I don't give a $h_t about you."
Anyway, need to detach more, I know.
longrun, I feel good about how I look right now. Probably in the best shape since pre-kids. Lost 17 lbs upon BD & now am "tiny" (people say). I am working on a fitness goal (cycling).
H comes to house every day after school to see kids & I'm not here usually. Weekends we are running around w activities on Saturday, so it's really just Sunday afternoons that I need to make myself scarce.
When I have evening plans H stays here at the house w boys OR I leave them alone for a few hours (as oldest is 13). I am NOT comfortable w them going to H's apartment AT ALL. BUt, in the long run if we remain S I think weekends will need to be different.
Dreams--I've always wanted to go cross country seeing the sights and staying at different places/some camping. Don't feel brave enough to do this one my own w boys, and definitely want to share this adventure w someone.
BTW- I have decided to get a kitten for my boys for VDay! S11 LOVES cats! I think a family pet (other than our 2 guinea pigs) will be a nice diversion from H's absence. Something to give unconditional love to.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
S11 LOVES cats! I think a family pet (other than our 2 guinea pigs) will be a nice diversion from H's absence. Something to give unconditional love to.