wow - i cannot begin to fathom your h and life with him and what is going on IN HIS head. (heart- whatever) the battle with God thing is a real wierd one. i have no ideas on that- you are correct i think to keep yourself not involved... i'm lost in admiration for your stamina and clear head
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I am done being abused, and will certainly not go back to that unloved, crushed little girl she set out into the world at 17yrs old. Who then married a great man, who turned into a monster, who then want's to abuse me! Cycle is broken, I am not going to let H become who she was to me, or change me, I am not the one in MLC.
interesting outlook here- i've been finding myself think ing a variation of it for past couple months. with this last episode of my mom's hospitalization and sister issues - and looking at H - you know, i'm NOT GOING BACK either.
i do not think i deserve it. i may be a person with my own wacky issues - but i'm not mean or cruel or unkind. my h is somewhat like my mom- they seem to think anyone who is "reliable" and "they can count on" is someone also to wipe their feet on. i do not know what signals that response in a person - it's the old:
"bites the hand that feeds them and licks the boot that kicks them" routine. i can't fathom- don't even want to- don't even care what motivates them or what they "feel" on this count- if it means hurting me or abusing me (even verbally) i'm out.
no kidding-
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It's like MLC for dummies, threaten everything under the sun and do nothing!
my h's old aunt says i'm "his rock" - i'd say, she'd say you're his "rock". what the heck exactly that means is up for grabs. WHY they get to have a "rock" to know is there to save them and be there for them - in life, ultimately - and we don't - again, wtf???
the offer to keep you sexually satisifed - again, wtf??? i can see why you're confused to the point and chucking the tolerance. how in the world could you ever untangle the mess going on in his head over this all. to me - it seems he's determined to have you in his life and keep you around as the person he can "let loose" on. i've been told this a million times about my mother (it doesn't really help) that she's "sure of me" and that she "knows i won't leave her or totally ditch her" - so she's most awful to me. because i'm the one person in theuniverse she feels free to - (and - get this- that i should be flattered?!!!).
i say sick and sicker - that i should view it as anything other than what it is- dumping crap on someone you see as willing to take it.
i'm working on the not taking it thing myself. it's a wierd thing- THE LINE - and drawing it in the sand. i'm trying. i've walked out a few times- haven't hung up on anyone because i don't like it- but am considering it if i need to.
somehow - someway- i'm taking a step back from alllll my relationships and making a stand for "not deserving" alot of what i'm getting lately.
everyone can go jump in the lake - somehow - someway your h is hanging on to you like grim death. saying he wants you to kick him out (he can't bring himself to do it- like me- ) to me that means there;s something big and he's banking on it being there "at the end of the day". just humble ole me-
i can't say same for my h - i'm too involved and too tied up in the outcome - i don't know what the heck he's doing or thinks he's doing- today i don't even care what the heck he thinks or feels.
i'm really really tired - need to just enjoy being here away from sitch up north and ignore the rest.
i do find myself waiting for him to drop some bomb on my head about seeing ow or leaving here so he can- i dread it- trying to keep the demons at bay and not go there.
he just hugged me when left for tennis - first time in a bazillion yers- wtf??? can he not see how psycho he is? apparently not. i'm cool- i'm with you- nothing's changed.
oh well- going to have a pleasant day or die trying. my toe is about three times the size of the other foot- hurts less tho, so fingers crossed that it's not broken / cripes - last time i go walking around in dark. whole damn house can fall down- i do not care these-a-days. that's a good thing - rite?
