So quick quick summary. H said he wants to try. He said he is no longer involved with OW. I will always be the love of his life. He wants our family to be whole again. He wants me to have the strength to try also.
Vero,
My advice to people in this situation is almost always the same:
1. Start by saying "I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore," and make NO decisions about letting him immediately back into the marriage emotionally, physically, legally and financially. TAKE IT SLOW. The #1 mistake betrayed/left-behind spouses make is LETTING THEM BACK IN TOO EASILY.
2. Assuming you did that (and you didn't say if you did or not, and I'm sorry I'm not familiar with your sitch) you need to ask him EITHER for some sort of detailed plan (that would include no-contact which includes his sending a no-contact LETTER to his OW, the content of which is to be approved by you and the letter is to be mailed/delivered by you, so he doesn't add or subtract from it after you approve it) . . . OR I've also seen it done where the betrayed spouse merely asks the returning spouse a very broad "This was your mess; what are you willing to do to clean it up and make me feel safe in the marriage again?" In other words -- bounce it back on THEM.
Doing these things will help you feel safe again. You need to understand that that is HIS job now -- NOT YOURS. If he's truly repentant and truly wanting to reconcile, he will be willing to move Heaven and Earth to do them. "I'll do anything; what is it going to take?" is the attitude you're looking for. Don't get me wrong, he won't be able to DO that every day -- you two will have fits and starts -- but the ATTITUDE and the WILLINGNESS needs to be there right from the get-go, otherwise you shouldn't let him back yet -- he's not ready.
