The purpose of the "drop date" was for me - I was hoping that I could just put all of this out of my head and think about it then. Well, there are some new developments to report. I will hit the highlights or this post will be a novel.
I would love to hear if anyone has any insights/suggestions/comments. I feel like I am entering some unchartered territory for me.
xSO and I had a long conversation at his initiation.
He said that he and the GF had decided to "throw in the towel" just after Christmas. He could not really explain what had gone wrong just that it did not feel right. This information came about after complimenting me on maintaining my social contacts and that he had not. I then asked about the GF (I know, not good DBing, but in this case it worked) That is when he told me they broke up. I asked why he did not tell me. He said he tried but I did not want to hear it. (Ummm, not quite true, but I let it go). I did say that if he felt I was not listening, please let me know. He replied that he had been so awful to me that he did not feel he could ask me for anything.
So, if what he said is true they have not been together for about a month. The band aid apparently did not work although he did make some comments that he would be open to trying again with her in the future if things changed. Lesson learned: Believe those more experienced when they tell you that the OW is not worth the headspace.
The strange thing is that I have some mixed feelings about this. I am glad she is out of the picture but I also can't help but feel that the increased contact means he is expecting me to fall back into the role of "bestie" until he meets someone else. I am scared of being hurt again.
One of the most significant things he said (and he brought it up twice) is that he spoke of his desire for children. Prior to BD neither of us wanted children, then all of sudden he felt he did. Now, he says that he is really confused by what he wanted. He did quickly add that he thought he still did - but he was not as sure as he was. Children would be a deal breaker for us (and always would have been) and if he decides that is what he wants, I will let him go with my blessings.
IMHO though, the desire for children is the same bandaid he was trying to apply with the OW. Something external to make him happy. He said this was an issue that he would really like to work on with his IC. I sure hope she is not too biased, as even on this Board I have seen some appalling comments to those who are childless. In any event, I cannot control what kind of guidance he will get. Although I can hope that he will share it!
xSO asked me if I was dating or seeing anyone. I was honest and said I'd been out a couple of times but that I wasn't ready for that. I said that I did not want to be single forever so that one day I would have to get back on that horse. His only reply was a rather quiet, flat, "giddy up".
What I really wanted to say was I love YOU, stupid and want US to be dating. I assume that he still knows that? Or should that be soemthing I still put on the backburner?
He then surprised me. He said that until he got his stuff figured out, he was not interested in dating anyone and was not looking. I sure hope that is true!
He also admitted to being in a really bad place over the last fall and suffering from low self-esteem.
Although there were no I miss yous or ILYs, I noticed that he has become interested in my plans again and in what I am doing. I believe all of these are good signs. Strangely, I do not have any expectations. I really am scared to invest in this relationahip again only to get kiboshed by the one issue (kids) that was never an issue before. I cannot begin to say how I will react in the future, so I will not guess. I know that he wants me to remain in his life, but I do not know if I can. So until I hear from him that he wants to work on US, I am just trying to keep as still as I can.
It is difficult, though, not to want to jump in and make all sorts of plans to see each other, etc. But I am letting him take that lead. Purely a 180 for me - Ms. Organizer Extraordinaire. He has not mentioned wanting to see me or even asked when I would next be near his City.
Since the conversation, we have texted a few times. Nothing of significance.
No more "drop date"; I am just going to ride this wave for a bit. I am getting better at listening and validating but still need to improve. Been practicing on family members!
