I really don't want to quit as in a way it's a GAL activity where I see the lads on drill nite and shouts etc but think it will help my Sitch if I do.
If it only helps your sitch in that it makes you available to watch the kids so your W can go out partying whenever she wants, then I would say the benefits you're getting from it being a GAL activity and helping you to meet and connect with new people outweighs the benefit to your W. I spend many Saturdays volunteering for Habitat for Humanity building houses for the needy and I was astonished when W told me she was pissed about it. Most of the time W and the kids were just getting up for the day when I was getting home from volunteering!! Bottom line, a WAS is going to dream up complaints about the most noble things the LBS can do, there's just no winning with a WAS.
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Regarding change. This might sound silly but how do I change? The whole Sitch has changed me, I've read and read, I've counciled etc but if she hasn't seen change what else can I do?
It sounds like you already have changed, and believe me, your W sees it. She doesn't acknowledge it, so it makes you think she doesn't see it. But she does. Just stick with your changes and make them a permanent part of you. It's going to take your W months to accept the changes are real and not just tricks to get her back.
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I said I've stopped the pursuing, begging, reasoning etc and I was giving her space and time but I was fearful that she will take the easy route and find OM rather than try to reconcile : ' ( he left on a good note and I was polite and friendly towards him which I'm sure will get back to W.
I would suggest not saying anything to him again about the M. I don't think you said anything too terribly damaging, but keep in mind that when you're talking to in-laws it's the same as talking to your W, because everything you say WILL get back to her. And if/ when she hears the above she's going to think you're doing tricks to try and get her back. You want her to think that you are moving on with or without her, not that it's something you read in a book that you're trying out to see what happens. DB'ing is for you and you alone, do not share what you're doing with anyone else unless it's someone (like us) that has no connection with your W. It's perfectly fine to talk to the in-laws about anything else, but if they ask about the M just try to deflect the questions or change the subject. Say things like "we both need time and space to figure out what to do." Then talk about all the great things you're doing and how much fun you're having, THAT is what you want to get back to your W. That you're enjoying life WITHOUT her. That will make her wonder what you're up to
