Lonely, Sad and No Communication

[AnotherStander]

I really don't want to quit as in a way it's a GAL activity where I see the lads on drill nite and shouts etc but think it will help my Sitch if I do.

If it only helps your sitch in that it makes you available to watch the kids so your W can go out partying whenever she wants, then I would say the benefits you're getting from it being a GAL activity and helping you to meet and connect with new people outweighs the benefit to your W. I spend many Saturdays volunteering for Habitat for Humanity building houses for the needy and I was astonished when W told me she was pissed about it. Most of the time W and the kids were just getting up for the day when I was getting home from volunteering!! Bottom line, a WAS is going to dream up complaints about the most noble things the LBS can do, there's just no winning with a WAS.

Regarding change. This might sound silly but how do I change? The whole Sitch has changed me, I've read and read, I've counciled etc but if she hasn't seen change what else can I do?

It sounds like you already have changed, and believe me, your W sees it. She doesn't acknowledge it, so it makes you think she doesn't see it. But she does. Just stick with your changes and make them a permanent part of you. It's going to take your W months to accept the changes are real and not just tricks to get her back.

I said I've stopped the pursuing, begging, reasoning etc and I was giving her space and time but I was fearful that she will take the easy route and find OM rather than try to reconcile : ' ( he left on a good note and I was polite and friendly towards him which I'm sure will get back to W.

I would suggest not saying anything to him again about the M. I don't think you said anything too terribly damaging, but keep in mind that when you're talking to in-laws it's the same as talking to your W, because everything you say WILL get back to her. And if/ when she hears the above she's going to think you're doing tricks to try and get her back. You want her to think that you are moving on with or without her, not that it's something you read in a book that you're trying out to see what happens. DB'ing is for you and you alone, do not share what you're doing with anyone else unless it's someone (like us) that has no connection with your W. It's perfectly fine to talk to the in-laws about anything else, but if they ask about the M just try to deflect the questions or change the subject. Say things like "we both need time and space to figure out what to do." Then talk about all the great things you're doing and how much fun you're having, THAT is what you want to get back to your W. That you're enjoying life WITHOUT her. That will make her wonder what you're up to

[LJC]

I thought you had agreed on custody. If it's her night with the kids, then she waits until Sat.

Hey Labug - Yep we have I've given her dates all the way up the end of March. This is what I mean she says it like she's doing me a favour, so I don't have to do the 2 min walk round to hers on a saturday morning. I really can't have the kids but she will just turn to someone else now, either way she will do whatever she intends on doing and obviously I can't control that.

Then talk about all the great things you're doing and how much fun you're having, THAT is what you want to get back to your W. That you're enjoying life WITHOUT her. That will make her wonder what you're up to

Hello AS - Thanks for replying to my Sitch its great that you have the time and I'm thankful. Ref the last part of your post above, this is what I'm fearful off. She will probably notice and it might make her sad but instead of reaching out to me she will move on. I know this is a bit of mind reading and second guessing but I really think she will move on if she see im enjoying life without her. It will rid her of the guilt and think its safe for her to announce someone else. At the moment I couldn't be further from 'enjoying' anything as all I can think about is my W, what she's doing, what she has planned for the W/E and I can't get these thoughts out of my head. Nearly four months in and she is still affecting me!

Thanks again

[AnotherStander]

Hello AS - Thanks for replying to my Sitch its great that you have the time and I'm thankful. Ref the last part of your post above, this is what I'm fearful off. She will probably notice and it might make her sad but instead of reaching out to me she will move on.

You are quite welcome! Regarding your concerns, you need to understand that DB'ing is often counterintuitive. Our mind tells us what when we're losing our spouse? Beg! Plead! Negotiate! Reason! These are things that never, and I mean NEVER work. What does work? The opposite. Put distance between ourselves and our spouse. The lesson is you have got to set aside your instincts because they are WRONG and they will prevent you from doing good DB'ing! Think about this, if you tell your friends and family that you're miserable and will die if your W doesn't come back, do you think when they tell her what you said that she will find you attractive because of it? Will it make her want to come back? I can tell you I was in that situation with some girlfriends and when I heard that same thing I ran away from them even faster. But another GF I had thumbed her nose at me and moved on, and I found myself strangely drawn back to her. Why wasn't she pursuing me? How could she move on so quickly? I wanted to know! Think about your dating history, perhaps you have a similar experience in there somewhere.

DB'ing has been proven to work better than other approaches, so stick to it.

[LJC]

Thanks AS for your input.

This DBing is hard, really hard. I know I'm heading for another BD I can feel it but in the mean time I've gotta prepare myself for that and detach more. Not only from W but we shared so much, friends, bars, social clubs etc and because W is so 'local' I think I'm gonna have to avoid them area's and detach from them as well. I don't think I have the strength to walk into a bar/social club if W is with someone else :'(

In her eyes I must seem pretty dark at the moment and only respond to text messages about Kids business but then i keep messages short. I haven't sent her a text about anything in such a long time, I really want to but even then I don't know what to write. What will she think off me acting like that?

[LJC]

Journal

After receiving some great advice and reading good advice on other threads I decided to go away and really think about things. I think it helps to have a few days away from these boards purely because when your 'in your own crisis' reading other Sitch's can (not always) make you feel a little worse. Most of my days are being filled by GAL activities and I've got some great focus points to look forward to birthdays, holiday etc so focusing on yourself does seem to work (at last!) I still have bad moments where lonelyness and desperation to reach out set in, my mind even shifts to wondering what W is doing but I can't control that. I'm really not sure if the lack of comms even lack of a move towards D is a good/bad sign?

I had kids Saturday so I went to get hair cut before I picked kids up so I'd look my best and surprise surprise I received a text from W 5 mins before I was due to get them saying 'kids will be leaving soon if you can look out for them' this frustrates me as I see picking kids up as a way of showing my W my best side and I'm keen to actually 'speak' to her even if its just 'Hello, how are you? Is that a new top?' as I'm sure we can build on this and she might realise eventually I not going to talk about M or R. I might have backslide a little here but I acted on emotion and replied to her text with 'Ok thanks. I don't mind them walking round but part of me thinks ur avoiding me? I hope not as its not healthy' I'm being honest I knew I was going to send that if she let the kids walk to me because that's how I feel. Was that right or wrong of me?

So anyway I took kids to see my Nan, their Great Grandmother as it was her 89th birthday then I took them to the shopping outlet as S3 has worn the same pair of trousers 3 weeks in a row and now have a hole in one of the knees so I went and bought him 2 sweaters, 2 pair of jeans and a pair of trainers (sneakers?) I even got my D9 a pair of Nike high tops really cheap. We then went food shopping where we got some cookie mix so we could go home and make cookies for everyone, just a shame I burnt them later on!

All in all I had a good weekend, I even got a text from W thanking me for the kids stuff, even if it was a day late!

Be good all esp to yourselves

[LJC]

Just adding to the above journal.

My mum looks after my S Monday mornings and takes him to play school for around 12:15. Mum thought she would pay me a visit at work with my S. I was disappointed to see that my S was wearing the same pumps and trousers with the hole in from Saturday! My S is such a sensitive little boy but is happy and he doesnt care what he wears but I'd hate for other mums to talk about how she dresses him. All I can think of is that they are old clothes and its only play group but if it was me I'd send him out looking his best.

Just venting sorry, I'm sure it's better here than in a text to W!

[AnotherStander]

I might have backslide a little here but I acted on emotion and replied to her text with 'Ok thanks. I don't mind them walking round but part of me thinks ur avoiding me? I hope not as its not healthy' I'm being honest I knew I was going to send that if she let the kids walk to me because that's how I feel. Was that right or wrong of me?

It was pressure and you don't want to apply any pressure at all to her. It wasn't a huge backslide or anything, I wouldn't worry about it. But avoid such comments in the future.

So anyway I took kids to see my Nan, their Great Grandmother as it was her 89th birthday then I took them to the shopping outlet as S3 has worn the same pair of trousers 3 weeks in a row and now have a hole in one of the knees so I went and bought him 2 sweaters, 2 pair of jeans and a pair of trainers (sneakers?) I even got my D9 a pair of Nike high tops really cheap. We then went food shopping where we got some cookie mix so we could go home and make cookies for everyone, just a shame I burnt them later on!

Fantastic, this is exactly the kind of stuff you can do that will impress your W without you even seeing her. Take the kids out to do fun stuff and they will go back and tell your W how much fun they had. Win-win

[LJC]

Thanks AS.

Like I said I knew I was going to send that text if she 'sent' the kids to me. I haven't seen her in prob 3 weeks and I am getting the feeling she is avoiding me? Mind reading & guess work but something is going on I can feel it : ' (

SIL text me yest (Sun 10th) and asked if I fancied going round for Sunday lunch. I txt back saying thanks but no thanks as I'd just taken a Roast Chicken out the oven for my dinner! All this will def get back to W. I did pop round to SIL and my bro's as my nephew is suffering with Chicken pox. A little bit of networking : ' D Unfortunately I don't trust SIL one bit and I def chose what I tell her, and my own Bro for that matter as he will only tell SIL by accident. What a mess I'm tangled in, I can't even talk to my own brother!

[sweetbabyred]

LJC, I know it hurts that your W seems to be avoiding you, but you'll never be able to figure out why.

Maybe she had a headache, maybe she didn't have time to put makeup on and didn't want you to see her like that.

Maybe she thinks that by not seeing you at all, she can forget about you and move on.

My H has tried that (haven't seen him in almost five months). We don't have any kids together so it would be even easier for him to move on. But you know what, he still can't get me out of his mind completely.

Just keep working on yourself and GAL. Even if you never see her, your changes will get back to her-either through your kids, mutual friends, etc.

Let her think that you're ok without her and she'll wonder if she's made the wrong decision, if she's not already. Don't pressure her.

As counterintuitive as it is, leaving her alone is the best way to make her reconsider what she's doing.

[LJC]

Hey SBR - thanks for posting on my Sitch. I appreciate anyone who takes time to post.

I know your right and some of the things you mentioned I didn't think of! The thing is as time goes by I feel we will 'lose touch with one another' and it will be more awkward to be around one another which, as I texted her, isn't healthy as the kids will suffer.

I've been doing ok. I miss my W and family like mad but I've chosen to take this road and by GAL the house is really benefitting! I do have fears about the future but I'm gonna have to deal with that as and when they arise.

Thanks