Lonely, Sad and No Communication

[LJC]

Hello Labug

Don't know what you mean by legally separated? In the eyes of the Law we are Married and in the UK I don't think you have to Legally Separate? There has been no talk of D yet?

[JuneReN]

If you can catch up on my sitch, you will see that I am not a model DBer, but if I felt it would have worked, I would have followed it to a T.
I did what worked for me...although I have to say, not always did it work, so I had to be careful. And the first couple of months were not good ...lol.

So, it is early on your path still. Continue GALing, looking good (always) and this is going to get back to your W, especially considering your situation of in laws being siblings lol!!

She drives by...wave. NO expectations. She doesn't wave back? So what? Smile and carry on.

Find one thing positive to say to her the next time. Not creepy, positive. "Is that new? It looks great on you....Did you get haircut? Looks great.." Stop there. do not go further, best at end of picking up kids or going home. No expectations then and convo doesn't go downhill.

Now, the drinking is worrisome in terms of the kids. Does she get them 50/50 or what is the schedule?
The above conversations are to open the door to the one where you will suggest that your parents (are they around) would love to spend some time with children, could they sit the next time?
or...if you would like to go out, I would be happy to have kids...

I am not saying this is a convo that will go well for you, she will feel accused. So you try to make it about you or your parents or an aunt or uncle...not her and not kids, because as mothers, we get p*ssed when someone insinuates we are doing a crappy job. Even if there is no accusation, we still know when we are failing our kids.

JUst MO, but as I said, you are early in this. NC is working for her right now, do not force hand.

Oh yeah, the whole "We could get back together" shows she has not seen the changes in you yet and has not acknowledged or began her changes either. Her drinking shows it...coping mechanism.

So you can reflect on what I've posted, but remember that your kids are first priority here, in terms of safety. Unfortunately your relationship may have to take a back seat to this.

[labug]

I agree^^ but would just add, DBing takes a back seat to boundaries around making sure your kids are safe.

[LJC]

Thanks for the reply IO - I will catch up on your Sitch.

Regarding Access for the kids, I have given her days when I can have them. Once a month ill have them Friday to Sunday but generally it will either be a Sat or Sun. I'd love 50/50 access but the Fire Service prevents that at the mo.

When you say she hasn't seen change in me Im not sure how she could? Changes I've made are all within me and myself nothing physical?

Thanks for the reply

[LJC]

Labug - What did you mean about being Legally Separated?

[labug]

Court-ordered responsibilities around custody, finances, etc. I read back and it looks like you don't. Maybe you don't have that in England.

[LJC]

No I don't believe we do. If its a custody issue like not being granted access we have to goto court. If its financial she would have to goto the Child Support Agency (CSA)but both have been worked out between us.

[JuneReN]

I know you love the Fire Service, but if you are very concerned, as you should be, then you are going to have to look at a compromise somewhere, in terms of the Service and having your kids. Most employers are quite gracious

[LJC]

Someone mentioned on here that if I quit the FS it would be to little to late but surely it would be a step in the right direction? When W was at home I'm sure she felt trapped because she couldn't go out as and when she pleased because I was 'on call'

At the moment I'm monitoring the Sitch regarding the kids. W text me lastnite asking if I could have the kids Friday nite (because I'm due to have them Sat) i said I can't because I'm on call. This is a classic move by W, she thinks she's trying to do me a favour but she's thinking of herself and I've no doubt she has arranged another nite out (no mind reading needed here). But again what I'm saying is the FS has got in the way and its no doubt left her cursing it?

I really don't want to quit as in a way it's a GAL activity where I see the lads on drill nite and shouts etc but think it will help my Sitch if I do.

Regarding change. This might sound silly but how do I change? The whole Sitch has changed me, I've read and read, I've counciled etc but if she hasn't seen change what else can I do?

Oh one last thing - FIL came round lastnite which was unexpected. I was fearing the worst because normally he does W dirty work (well he did in W last R with her ex) but things were fine I asked about MIL because she had her appendix out while holidaying in Tenerife just after NYE. He reassured me I could go and see them as I was welcome and is still baffled by his Daughters actions etc. I said I've stopped the pursuing, begging, reasoning etc and I was giving her space and time but I was fearful that she will take the easy route and find OM rather than try to reconcile : ' ( he left on a good note and I was polite and friendly towards him which I'm sure will get back to W.

Thanks

[labug]

I thought you had agreed on custody. If it's her night with the kids, then she waits until Sat.