Thank you, SS! I always appreciate getting your feedback, and it's nice to see your success story. Do you realize this? You are being successful at repairing a R that might've ended if you hadn't done anything. So feel proud of yourself. And continue being patient.
ss, it's nice to see that you and your H are working on the M and are able to talk about it. I hope that one day I can get to that point. Are you talking about your issues now more than pre-BD? Do you feel like the conversations are different?
I think you are doing a good job with your boundary issue and I would feel the same. We went through something similar with H's brother. He is a drug addict and H was putting up hotel money, bailed him out of bad check charges to the tune of $1500, etc. It flew all over me and caused us some problems and arguments. H finally had to get to the point where he realized that he couldn't help someone that didn't want to help himself. It took him ODing and lying to H to get to that point.
It sounds like for now, the money issue is resolved. However, I understand how sensitive of an issue it is for you and why you have trust issues surrounding it.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
hi ga, welcome over here. i hope your sitch moves over here but i think it may take some work on your H's part. my H had to be away from me for a year and only after i let him know i was finished with limbo and moving on, did he want to R.
yes, we are talking about them, at least, i am. i had to let him know this morning how some of his impatience effects me. i see impatience as critisim. i find it hard to deal with because i'm not being impatient. it's one of the things i chose to work on while DB'ing. i practiced with strangers (cashiers, clerks) because i'm always in a hurry and wanted everyone else to be, too.
i began to appreciate what others were doing and tried to remember that they had things in their own lives they were dealing with. i stopped thinking everyone should measure up to what i wanted.
H is a perfectionist (when it comes to others) and he forgets that he's not in charge of everyone! sometimes, he fails to appreciate what is done for him. i experienced this throughout our M and decided i need gratitude in my life from the people i love, not impatience.
so, i told him that it was painful to experience that when i was trying so hard to meet his expectations. in fact, i really exceeded his expectations on this particular event but he was running late and did not live up to the time we were to have to finish our exchange of information. he became impatient and a little surly.
he also still will not say, "i love you". everytime i talk to him on the phone he just says "bye" at the end of a call. i don't say it, either, because of the pressure it would put on him to reply in kind.
i told him this morning that it makes me feel not valued when he's impatient and that it hurts that he won't say "i love you" because it feels like it would be him admitting a mistake, which he hates to do. afterall, if he says he loves me, then all the things he said were wrong with me on BD and after, and all the things his kids did that he blamed me for, would be what...wrong?
maybe i AM loveable?
i said i need love and appreciation in my life and i think everyone does.
he did text back that i was "very right, love you". so, it's a crawl forward...
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
The text back to you is more than a crawl forward. I think it's good. I also think it's great you communicated how you felt. Keep it up, SS. I have faith in you :-)
thank you tori and vero! it's not so active over here but the desparation that i felt when i first got into newcomers is gone, too.
our M is still a work in progress. we continue to do things together and have nice conversations. we keep each other company on a lot of outings.
sometimes, however, when i feel my H try to control me or show impatience, i start to wonder. does anyone else on here, after the WAS wants to R, get back together and wonder if they should have stayed apart and gone ahead and kept their life totally their own?
the little things that people go through in a M make me scared that i could be making a mistake. i went so long (12 months) by myself and got very used to not having to live with another person's faults nor have to have them live with mine.
i find that i settled so long for ingratitude and impatience and controlling behaviors that just the slightest bit of that really makes me scared; scared to experience it again.
any suggestions or experience getting back together along those lines?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I went to an open air art show with with friend yesterday and we had a great time. Driving home we were talking about marriage, divorce, separation and people we know who have gotten into R so quickly after getting D.
My conclusion, based on only my experience, is that fear drives people into quick second R. I know that I've only started feeling OK with this in the last 6 months so I was S 18 months before the fear eased.
I'm actually quite happy with my life right now and the amazing thing is all the fears I had initially have evaporated.
And life keeps opening up new things for me.
There's a Joni Mitchell song (I know you and I will know Joni ) Free Man in Paris, a couple of lines stick in my head...I was a free man in Paris, I felt unfettered and alive.
I feel unfettered and alive for the first time in my life.
(these are the posts I hated reading when I first came to Newcomers)
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I love that song, Bug. That's how I was feeling the last months of our S.
Now, I feel tethered; not all the time but more than before the R. I can't suggest more separation time from H. I don't think that would be fair or kind. I'm just wondering how much of these feelings are just part of being married?
You'd think I would know, having spent almost 40 years being married to someone... However, I've never reconciled before. What I want to do is maintain some of the independence I got back during the S without my H feeling rejection about it.
One good thing that he told me is that he learned to do things by himself and enjoy them during our time apart. Prior to that, anytime I declined, he felt rejection.
I don't know. Maybe if I invited him to go to lots of things I know he'd rather not and he declines, he will be able to accept mine easier?
Thanks for dropping in, Bug. I'm so glad you're feeling good about your life!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
SS, what you're feeling is normal. There's a period of adjustment you both need to go through. Did you read the getting back after a separation book? I found it very interesting.
I would be honest and tell him you're adjusting to you two being together, and that you learned you like to do things on your own sometimes. Just make sure you make room for joint activities too.
Treasure your H. You're so blessed to have a chance to save your M! (((((((((((((()))))))))))))
) Free Man in Paris, a couple of lines stick in my head...I was a free man in Paris, I felt unfettered and alive.