After a long introspection, after 8 months of separation, here is where I think I messed up and what I learnt:
- W's emotionnal needs are as important as food, air, water... (which leads me to the question : how can I provide that to her if we're separated?) Lesson learned : do not discard her complaining aboout this or that, on contrary, listen carefully, show empathy, show attention and try to understand.
- Son (and family comitment) is super important. I should choose to spend time with S and/or W over any other activity, be it work, or sports. Lesson learned : I should have given up some activities instead of behaving the same as when we got married and were only 2 people. Also, being involved ranges from playing with S to changing him, knowing his food, etc...
- Help a lot around the house (this goes with the point above), and show concern for W's well-being. Don't assume all is ok just because she doesn't complain. Stop playing video games or watch tv in the evening is a good place to start.
- Although I was sharing openly the finances with W, she still thinks I was hiding stuff from her.(Unbelievable, I know...) Therefore, make a conscious effort to show her all the movements, bills, accounts, and ask her often if this or that buy is a good deal, good idea, if she agrees, etc...
- Try to not argue, but if it happens, try to see her point of view, calm down, show understanding rather than try to make a point across, agree to talk about it later...
Now at this stage of my sitch though, let's pretend I succeeded transforming myself into the better man everybody is talking about, how is this going to help winning W back ?
Because, in all humility, what you don't seem to understand is that I've been picking up, and bringing S back, twice a week, (that is showing up 4 times a week), since the new year, (basically ringing at her door 30+ times) and she is nowhere to be seen! Has anyone dealt with a WAS not in sight !
Now, I was trying to not read into it at the beginning, but she can't be absent 30 times in a row, therefore she is avoiding to come down and see me when I ring. --> Is it because she is pissed off at my sworn declaration in response that makes sense and is credible by any judge, and feels that she might "lose" 50% of S? Is it because court hearing is approaching and she has been instructed to limit interaction? (since I widely used our emails exchanges to prove just the opposite of all that what she claimed).
That is the advantage I was telling you about with the "supervised" visits : at least I got to see her, and talk to her a little bit, crack jokes, be relaxed, etc... (but might've been pursuing also...) whereas now, with unsupervised, I pick S up, and that's it.. no interaction with W whatsoever.
How do you think I should handle this "coldness"? Be cold in return or be warm for both of us (act as if)? What is the best attitude in my emails? Keep being short and direct and only talk about S ?(I find it so disagreeable... but you instructed me to). Be more affable but run the risk of being considered as pursuing and trying to be right?
I'm truly sorry if these questions seem to be redundant, but the situation keeps morphing, with more subtleties each time, and what I held true a month ago doesn't apply anymore.
Thank you my friends, Bruce
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
