I am struggling to answer the question, "Who am I?" I am a mom of 3 boys. I am a wife (although that role is up in the air). I am good at my job (usually) and like what I do (usually) & it is important to me. I am part of two families that love and support me-mine & my H's.
I think an even harder question is "What makes ME happy?" I know being with my boys does. I know being a good mom does. Having good friends. Keeping in contact w my family. Exercising.
BUt, there's lots of happy things missing too. I have to think about what these are--a lot of them are things I thought were part of my life, but now are gone w H gone.
This is something I think we all struggle with. It is hard defining yourself as one person for years and then the lead actor has left, taken all his lines and you don't know what you are supposed to say or even act. How does one begin to create their own story?
Acting as if divorced.
That H has own life. Generally I am happy with him and our situation and wish nothing but the best for him. Although at this point, I am still hoping it is me that will be along for ride. When I act as divorced, I will not hope it is me and accept it will NOT be me.
I will do whatever I want (within reason). I do this now, but also with an eye to H and changes I have made and am still making. Although, it is beginning to dawn on me, that all the changes in me will not make H come back. These changes are positive though, and I wouldn't let them go for the world. So when Divorced in my head, I act in best interest of me and kids...no one else.
I will be happy for my children's father, sad for him if he is not doing well, but my life will not be affected to a degree that it becomes detrimental to walking my own path.
I have a timeline...:) I look forward to the D in my head, but am content to be here as well. The day I am not content, I wait it out, think about and shorten timeline if it is best thing for me.
Don't get me wrong...I have bad, doubting days...days of thinking I will never have anyone, days of imagining H having the time of his life etc etc. Days where I am so, so angry and discouraged.
But they get less and less, shorter and shorter.
Take up running...trust me. Apparently spouse leaves, must run long distance races. This seems to be MO for many a LBS and some was too!!
