25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you all, again! I had STARTED to post the summation of what I think I've learned here, months ago. But this thread makes it easier to keep it a little more concise.

I meant to say this the other day, but got a bit caught off guard. Here it goes.

When you get the bomb, I always say "look in the mirror", b/c we have to, and because it's the only way for us to grow from this ordeal. But there are times that you get deserted and it's not you.

I'd argue that It's impossible for a WAS to have "no reason" to leave, but on occasion, the reasons have nothing to do with you.

What then?

You'd STILL have to ask yourself, "what now?" So yes, you'd STILL be best to work on yourself, GAL and move forward---as part of, and separate from--DBing.

You'd still know that the WAS has his/her reasons. Reasons do exist. But they are not always your responsibility to repair, or within your ability to do so anyhow.

So then, the remaining issues are how can you navigate through THEIR turmoil, and or contain it. Most of the original GAL etc applies then too.

But I didn't mean to imply that the LBS "always" bears responsibility. I'd say the vast majority of the time we play a role in the problems, and sometimes, SOMETIMES when we read posts from LBSers here, we see that in fact, they caused their spouse to flee. On occasion, I've wondered what took their spouse so long to leave.

I hate saying that, but it can be true. My own loving kind hilarious younger sister, was deserted by her h. Though I hated how he handled it, I have to admit, I knew he was miserable. My siblings once talked about their m, before the BD, and we did not see what he got out of the marriage.

My sister revolved around him, giving up all her hobbies and outside interests, which he DID mind. He once told her (she admitted this years later) "You don't do anything!" NOTE TO SELF--if your partner ever says something like that, consider it a red flare into the universe. You need to do some changing ASAP.


Once married, she never worked, they never had a child (the job would have "taken from h time" and she wasn't into working hard, to be honest. She wanted to be rescued and taken care of, actually.)

But the child thing always puzzled me. She would have been a good mother. Maybe her h knew down deep he did not want a child, with HER, (b/c he had a child after their divorce). ANYHOW, his leaving her shocked her, but did not shock any of us. WE could not tell her that then, obviously. Even after many years, she still doesn't really get it. She blames OW. But he looked miserable before he had OW....anyhow, I digress.

Those folks can be the hardest people to help. It must be devastating to feel responsible for being left. I did not feel responsible for my h's fascination w/living on the tundra BUT I was still devastated.

And I was/am responsible for how I handled his choices, and how I raise our children.

We are living the lives we created. If we don't want THIS life, we have to change it. Can't wait for the other shoe to drop, or the spouse to "wake up", or the lottery ticket to work...

For ladies, the days of a prince rescuing & taking care of us, are long over. Gentlemen, a woman's love is not guaranteed if you simply don't hit her, get drunk or cheat. Marriage is easier to get out of and while that's mostly bad, the upside is we tend to want more out of our marriages. And sometimes, that's good. Sometimes it means both partners work to help the other self actualize and act in each other's interests and then both, together, are more than they'd be as two separates.

In some ways, we're all on our own. But instead of letting that frighten us, we have to see it as empowering.

IF YOU TO GO A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR / individual counselor OR therapist, OR you have a conversation w/your WAS


and you feel attacked, I suggest you give thanks.

Why? B/C that is valuable "intel". And if some problems originate w/ YOU,
then you are Not powerless. You CAN DO something about it.

As I said earlier, it's "vindicating" to hear that your spouse is being selfish. Its momentarily satisfying to hear or feel that you are "right". But it also means YOU are powerless.

If you are doing nothing "wrong", and they still want to leave, THAT'S BAD NEWS my friends. It's the worst possible news actually.

I have a brother who went to mc w/his wife, and they BOTH went to "change the spouse's behaviors" and I knew then & there they'd end divorced, and they are divorced and to this day neither sees anything on THEIR end that they'd change if they had it all to do over again.

Learn to take the "negative" (I call it constructive) feedback for the golden nugget it is.

If there are changes you need to make, thank God someone told you!

Now you have a road map. Read it carefully & don't dismiss the hurtful stuff. It's often the most useful. if it's someone else's baggage they're projecting onto you, make damn sure you're right about it, & then ditch it.

But if it's something that truly bothers your WAS, then changing that, is going to be more easily noticed.

Moving on....

Losing the scorecard...The Story

I grew up living near a family of 7, and the dad was a COL in the Army, former POW for years. I wanted to ask him about his years as a POW and he seemed willing, but his wife would interrupt or change the topic. Back then, I assumed it was off limits to protect him. But I was wrong.

The COL was fun loving and told great stories. My parents found him charming and so did we. He helped my h get into the Army Officer Corps and was very kind to us.

Evidently, the COL had had an affair some years before they moved near us.

You may ask, How did I, a 17 y/o girl, know he had an affair years earlier? Oh, b/c his wife wanted everyone to know it. Their kids knew it all! So This would mean he wasn't a real hero. After all, he had hurt HER deeply.

At every social gathering, @some point in the evening, a thinly veiled snarky comment would come out of her mouth and he'd just take it. I never saw him fight back. And trust me, if I picked up on it, so did everyone else. Maybe she wanted it that way but it seemed cowardly to me then. I recall thinking, "just bitch at him already, stop using your NOT so secret code".

So evidently the affair was admitted and he chose to give up OW & stay w/his family.

But I think his wife made the worst of all choices. She stayed married & stayed miserable. She never forgave him, & in effect, she held it over his head the rest of his life.

Only one of their 5 kids are married today, 30 years later. Some legacy she passed on.

She COULD have learned & modelled forgiveness in a marriage, and redemption, and courageous love. That's what their children could have learned.

But to them, mistake are not forgivable...they are 'retained" on a ledger, and even if they wanted to forgive, they'd have to learn how b/c it's not easy for those of us who never saw it growing up.

And the irony is that even though we knew affairs were "wrong", all we knew in that present day was that HE was fun and kind, and SHE was bitter and mean.

She never dropped her scorecard. Ironically, it hurt HER the most, in the eyes of the children and in her h's eyes. Who would want to be with her then?

I think if you KNOW, really down deep, that you cannot get over your spouse having an affair, (and you only know if you try OR consciously decide not to try)

and your spouse has one,

then get out now. Either fix the marriage to restore it, or end it.

Don't prolong the agony, especially if there are children, b/c the damage is generational.

A few times I've wondered if an LBSer is here to stay married & stay miserable b/c there's NO talk of forgiving. It's all about the "conditions" they want to impose on their spouse.

Though boundaries and transparency are givens, you get the feeling, now & then, that there are a few too many punitive elements in their "boundaries".

Just food for thought.

Thanks for listening.