Keeping my wife from walking out

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks a lot guys!! However, it's definitely over....yesterday was the final straw for her, and now I think she is bordering on hating me.

Did you read the book or are you still just guessing and reacting? Did you read the post I sent to you? B/C it took TIME to write and I'd like to think you'd read it since you evidently don't believe in reading the book this site is based on.



Friday I found out that she started contacting the OM again.

you "found out"? How? What happened to No more snooping?

She said she will continue doing so going forward, since we will be separating soon. I told her it was not acceptable for her to contact him while living in this house with me paying the bills still. She agreed to stop until she moves out. I tried to deal with it the best I could, and I really felt like we had come to some understanding about what was happening--that it was for the best right now.

so you made some demands and she seemed to "obey" (I mean, agree???) and then what? She didn't obey you? Or you snooped or what? I don't see where the OM is in this post. And I wish you'd stop issuing your orders. If you sound to her the way you sound here, it's NOT helping you.

The more aggressively demanding a man is, the needier he is of reassurance. When he does not get it, he demands it more, but it lacks b/c it's not authentic to tell a man who is not in control of himself, that you respect it.

And then the cycle continues UNTIL IF & WHEN the man learns to become self confident from within. That's where real self confidence comes from.


Our interactions after that were much better--happy and upbeat again. I thought it would be a much better transition from all living together to the 3 of them moving out.

Yesterday she told me she found out a university in her country offers a bachelors degree much cheaper than can be found in the states, and all a person would have to do is show up quarterly to take a test. So she is enrolled and is planning on going in June. Since we will be separated by then, she asked for my support with our Daughters...like taking care of them for the 7-10 days she will be gone.

Not sure what relevance this^^ has to the situation or OM. Any? Or just backstory? (Which is fine but I want to know if there's a connection I"m missing. I recall OM is in the other country but it's not a small nation.)


She was so happy and lively--like I haven't seen in months. However, I counteracted that with near silence and a generally crappy attitude.


how did your "counteracting" work for YOU? Did it make you more attractive to her? Did it make her want to be around you more? Did it make YOU feel better? What, if anything, did you learn?

I know for sure the romance between her and the OM will be rekindled on that trip,

Why? B/c you'll keep being miserable to her and around her, or what? How do you "know for sure"?

Do you truly see yourself as helpless in this situation? OR do you simply want to feel as if there's nothing you can do so you can do...nothing?


and now she has an excuse to see him every 3 months. I told her I would absolutely take care of the kids--they're mine too and I'll do whatever to be with them whenever I can. I told her the bachelors degree was a great idea, but I was clearly agitated and upset by what the trip meant.

by what you read into it. And you were NOT happy for her goal setting or pursuit of a goal, b/c you made it all about you.

She started crying and left the house, returning shortly to tell me I am only concerned for my own happiness and that she can't stand my passive-aggressive behavior any more. She then moved out of our room into the spare bedroom and told me she will be changing the legal sep paperwork to divorce. She says she now feels nothing but hate for me, and she is dying inside having to wait until April to move out. She says I am sick, and have no capacity to be happy and support someone else.

any truth to that? Can you at least see why SHE sees you this way? And so, what are you going to do to change that perception?

Should it be MORE of the same, or a 180? And btw, have you finally read the book? This approach would not be the opposite of what you do, if you would just read it.

Today she is seeing an attorney. So that's it. I have no chance.

actually I craved the time my h would see an attorney. His view of the divorce laws in our state varied wildly from reality.

Sometimes actually hearing the reality of divorce from an attorney is the best reality therapy there is.

Stop looking for reasons to give up. It makes you seem lazy and as if you are totally unable to control your mouth or attitude.

And you need a serious attitude adjustment

You must do better. If nothing else, for your kids. What are your GAL activities and your 180s? We hammer them for one reason--they work.

.