Absolutely kat! It has to be part of the 'interview' questions! "Have you already had your midlife crisis and do you feel it is completely out of your system?" LOL
It's definitely a risk vs. reward questions isn't it? It just makes me wonder how broken I really am. Do I feel this way strictly because it's Gabe or is this pervasive?
Kat, I wanted to do the same thing at a couple of weddings in the couple of years after the D. Both were family members and it was SUPER hard to watch them enter into something that could potentially hurt them so badly. I see warning signs in one of their M's but they seem to be working through it.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mine ex was 39. His Dad's health I'd declining. His aunt has Alzheimer's and it just seemed as if his tiny family(excluding us) was falling apart. Well they still are. Ex can't manage to help his kids get where they need to be. He always gets his parents to come help our 17 get to work when I can't. Oh well. It is what it is.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Ok, so I'm obviously completely nuts and irrational! What a shocker huh? LOL
Today, Gabe went to turn in a job application at the corrections facility a couple of counties away. That would be a good thing. A foot back in the door of his career. Of course, that means putting him back in similar situations to what he was before when he decided he was dissatisfied and wanted out. My anxiety level shot through the roof and I haven't calmed myself down all the way yet.
What happens when he gets back in a job that makes him feel like he's contributing in a real way to his own life and he has constant contact with these women that 'speak the same language' as him (law enforcement jargon - like before). He'll realize again that I am boring and too predictable and FAR too...fill in the blank....and he'll walk again. It's that pattern. It's inevitable, but I don't want to discourage him from doing what he wants to do. It's just horrible to feel this way all the darned time.
I know it's my own problem, not his. If I spell out my feelings here then maybe I can process through them better than trying to process them in my head.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
First of all these thoughts aren't good for anyone....stop it. Secondly he has stayed with you during the tough times of the last couple of years. Give both of you some credit. Thirdly, you were fine before he came back, yes struggling I know but you were fine. You would be again. I believe the tighter you hold on to something or someone the faster they want to get away.
You are an incredible woman. You are a terrific Mom. I think of you as family even though we have never met. You have gifts to give those around you. Empower Gabe and hope he gets a good job so that he can contribute to his family in a significant way. He will be shocked by the confidence you exude. It will draw him to you like a moth to a flame! Confidence my dear.
Love ya! Kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Can I LIKE kat & Gineen's posts - they are right on. If you believe it - you become it - I believe in self fulfilling prophecies. If you truly believed he was going to leave you again - I doubt you would stick around or keep him there.
Live on day at a time. Do what makes you feel good and what you feel is an investment in your relationship. Valentines Day is a good time to do something intimate in whatever way works for the 2 of you. A special dinner, a special card - anything.
Mish - you're a lovely person. Please don't sell yourself short. If there are things you do not like about yourself - make an effort to change them in order to feel better about yourself. Learn to love YOU!
And if a therapist can help - use one or whatever resources you can.
I don't post as much anymore. I found it was bringing me down. I used to think that all the things I wrote helped me process what I was feeling and I'm sure it helped back in the crisis. But now I find that when I write things about my ex or my negative feelings - it just makes them bigger in my mind than perhaps they really are. Like reinforcing the bad stuff. Don't need that!
Addressing the "can you ever trust someone" issue again. Speaking for myself, this is something that I have struggled with recently. My ex-W was a hatibutal cheater (ours was basically a 3 strikes (that I knew of at least) and we're done marriage.) I am in a somewhat new relationship (3 months now) with a very very nice woman. Recently she had an old friend (male) come see her who stayed at her house for a couple of nights. I happened to be out of town at the time and she communicated that he was there, and some of the things they were doing together (i.e. going to a hockey game, dinner out, movie, etc.) I immediately had bouts of anxiety and the green monster arising. I had to really do a lot of self talking to myself to remind me that, 1) my new GF is NOT my ex; 2) the fact that she was telling me what they were doing should be looked at as a positive not a negative since if she wanted to hide something she could simply not tell me about it. A few days later when we finally were out together we talked a little bit more about him and I learned that they have been friends for years and she considers him a brother. She asked me if I was bothered by him staying with her and I was honest with her and said that no I trusted her but because of the history with my ex that I admittedly had some anxiety about it initially.
So I guess while I still have some issues regarding trust because of my past, I am working on getting beyond them.
Hey BA - good job on having a simple adult conversation about it - and about recognizing that your fears were not really founded in current reality, but in past wounds.
