EXPERIMENTING with physical touch with W

[Navyguy]

Not sure why everyone is tearing me up.

Do you honestly think people here are attacking you?!?!?!? You are getting reactions and advice based upon what you post here, and those reactions and advice are based upon our knowledge and experiences. Simple as that.

The constant statements along the lines of "I prefer advice from men that actually saved their marriage" or "I'm going to be peculiar about what advice I take" are why you're getting so much "love" right now. People here are just trying to help. The reason posts on your thread have taken such a blunt form is because you're arguing with it - and when boiled down, everyone (those that did save their M and those that didn't) is telling you the same things. If you don't like someone's advice, all you have to do is simply say thanks, and then ignore it.

I'm here on this board to get help to achieve my goal, to fix my marriage.

You're not going to "fix" anything. If you don't understand that, everything you do is having the opposite effect of what you are hoping. Guaranteed.

I was referring to the men who offer me advise that seems more on the lines of helping me get over my M and moving towards divorce, and how to cope with that.

Since you keep bringing this up, and I posted something along those lines, let me clarify for you. Please, please don't take this as judging. I am taking the time to write this because I have been through what you are going through. Whether or not there is an OM is irrelevant to the point I am making...please bear with me here.

I told you that if you had detached, you'd have D papers waiting for your W the next time she came home from seeing OM, right?

Well, this is really two closely intertwined ideas we talk about on here with regularlity. First is setting boundaries. You state you are ok with W carrying on with OM. Are you really ok with that? Or are you just putting up with it in order to avoid further conflict with W? Or do you think she's going to think "wow, what a great guy, he lets me do whatever I want!"? Second is detaching. I don't think anyone can clearly answer the questions I just asked you until they have detached. And TBH, I don't think you have a clue what "detached" means. Here's why:

It seems that to you being detached means you don't care about your Spouse, and i feel that is a sure quick way to end up divorced!

Personally, I don't think you're detached at all. Nor do I believe you are co-dependant. It's not an one-or-the-other thing.

So back to the point - people are telling you to detach because it will enable you to set clear and enforcable boundaries in your M that will allow you to move forward in whatever way you choose. The SM I see right now isn't capable of that. He's an intelligent, responsible, loyal, and devoted guy that made some mistakes in his M. But he's also being cheated on and used by his W, and making decisions in his own life based upon how his W will react to them. And of all the people in the world, those who choose to be here know that's no way to live. Some here might even take that personally, due to their own past experiences. (Again, if you percieve an overreaction, just nod and smile. No need to point it out.)

For example, there was a time when I would unequivocally answer "YES!" if someone asked me the question "would you stay with W if she had a PA?". Why would I have answered "YES!"? Because I was holding myself accountable for her actions. She was confused, she was in a "fog", she had a rough childhood, she felt unfulfilled, she was stressed, etc, etc. It couldn't have been her fault!!!

I loved her then, and I love her now. Real, no s***, devoted, selfless love, the entire time.

If someone asked me the same question today, the answer would be "no, I would want a D", and I would take the necessary actions. This is not something I take lightly, it absolutely does not mean I do not love her, and it doesn't preclude me from changing my mind someday. It just means that I feel like I deserve better than being treated that way. My decision is based on a LOT of factors in my life. Yours may be different.

So, back to my original statement (D papers waiting for your W the next time she came home from seeing OM). Pre-detaching, there's no way I could have done that. Now, I could do it. It would hurt...but I'd do it.

All that being said, I apologize for the blanket statement on the D papers...it was based upon my experiences and me seeing a lot of myself in you...but maybe it's not right for you.

And that being said, I stand behind what I said about detaching and your lack thereof 110%. Also know this - not being detached is not a flaw. And trust me, anyone that implies otherwise has multiple 8' 2x4's headed their way. Detaching is an un-natural reaction to the situations we are in...but I don't know of anything that will help you help yourself more.