I doubt this is the answer you are looking for but there is no magic bullet, unfortunately. I am not sure that I can tell you what does work, but I can tell you what doesn’t work from the standpoint of a WAS. Please understand that this is from the viewpoint of an LBS turned WAS. My H left and came home. I eventually left with a lot of grief…
1) Words that are not followed by action. Promises to change have no weight because the spouse has dealt with an extended period of “offending” actions that have literally been burned upon their brain and their heart. Let only your positive actions be your words.
2) Holier than thou thinking. I have noticed several spouses on here using their “sacred” vows as an excuse to damn the spouses for walking away. Oh I was famous for this, believe me. However, what the LBS refuses to recognize when engaged in this type of thinking is that they, too, turned their back on their vows. Love, honor, cherish… oh how often we failed on these vows.
3) A lack of real, sustained change. The LBS thinks that they can stop their offending behavior for a week and all will be cured. Not hardly. Each time the WAS “slips up,” they only reinforce to the WAS why they decided to walk away. My H was famous for this. He would promise to change and he would for a couple of days. Then he would slip up and apologize up and down and explain to me that he’s been good most of the time.
4) Change with ulterior motives. Change with motives other than to improve yourself, ALWAYS results in backsliding. If you are only changing to get your spouse back, do not believe for one second they don’t know this, they do. These people have been married to you for a long time. They know you better than anyone. And to think they do not know when you are doing something with an ulterior motive, you are sadly mistaken. Understand very very clearly that your chances of reconciling your marriage are not great. You better be on here to recognize your faults, make the necessary changes and become a stronger person. If you spouse comes back, great. But if he/she doesn’t, hopefully you are better for the next relationship. If you don’t have this attitude, I wouldn’t worry too much about this divorce, you’re facing another one.
5) Making the WAS feel guilty. I have found that this has two profound results. First, it makes the WAS feel bad about themselves. Whenever someone is faced with being with a person that makes them feel bad about themselves, they tend to flee. It’s a natural human response. We want to surround ourselves by people who uplift us, not damn us. Second, it builds resentment. I have been made to feel guilty and it ticks me off because my H didn’t feel much guilt for his offending behavior… rather, he’s justified it…. Which brings me to point #6.
6) Justifying your bad behavior. I know I was a bad wife or husband but I was going through this or that or whatever. Who cares? There is no justification for bad behavior… ever. So when your spouse is presenting you with a list of “wrongs,” you should shut up and listen. Does it mean they are always right? I’m not sure how to answer that. I mean if your spouse feels a certain way, it’s not about right or wrong. It’s about their perspective and their feelings and the very reasons why the walls between you both have been built. You might not agree with them, but you don’t have to. This is not about you and your feelings, it is about them and their feelings. You want to build a bridge back? Shut the heck up and listen. It doesn’t always seem fair, but let’s face it, you are trying to get them back, not the reverse.
7) Games or a constantly escalating tit for tat. “If you are seeing another woman, then fine, I’m going out to date too.” If you want to date, that’s fine. Your marriage is over. But if you are using jealousy as a means of making your spouse “think,” you will do THE EXACT OPPOSITE. Trust me. Also, responding to their crappy behavior with more crappy behavior will NEVER help you. I believe in boundaries. I believe in saving yourself. I do NOT believe in being unkind. In fact, if you ask my H what was one of the biggest reasons he came back, he’ll tell you that it was because I always remained kind.
8) Airing your dirty laundry all over town. Dear lord, do NOT do this. If you want your spouse back, the LAST thing you want to do is create a bad environment for them. That alone will keep them away. Shame is a POWERFUL motivator… unfortunately, it’s a motivator to run far, far away. Think very carefully who you speak to and what you share. I know how hard this is. My H carried on an affair with a woman who worked in the same office both of us worked in. Everyone was aware of the affair. It was humiliating. However, I chose not to talk to anyone there about it. All I would have accomplished is making a bad situation much, much worse.
9) Letting your emotions control the moment. Another thing I have had such a hard time with. I alternated constantly between I am completely done and I want to try again. Now, if I kept that to myself, that is fine. But I didn’t. I let my H in on my roller coaster ride. And believe me, that did nothing to build trust back in our relationship.
10) Lack of trust. DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO… ALWAYS. You cannot afford to slip up. If you are going to pick up the kids at 5, be there at 5. If you are going to deposit money in the bank on Monday, you better do it on Monday. If you are going to give your spouse space, then give your spouse space. Too often, our anger gets to us and we use that as an excuse to go back on our word of something or another. Again, as an LBS, you cannot afford to do this.
11) Lack of compassion. A lot of the LBS’s feel so wronged that they lack any type of compassion or understanding of the WAS. This is a grave error. Believe me, I think the WAS’s have issues same as the LBS. But the LBS is on here looking for compassion and understanding while often “trashing” the WAS. When you do this, you show to your WAS and everyone else that you have no interest in building a connection or have understanding for your WAS, but rather you are looking to drum up support for your side of things. The LBS so often doesn’t think beyond that. So what if you have everyone in the world agreeing with your side of things? Where does that get you? It might make your pride feel a bit better but it sure as anything isn’t going to get your spouse back.
12) Pride. If you want to know what I think is the #1 killer of any relationship, it’s pride. We are so intent on being right, we are so intent on not feeling badly because someone has left us that we lack genuine, authentic communication. We become so clouded by what wrong has been done to us that we lack the introspection to understand what wrong we have done. We are constantly in a state of lobbing insults and justifying our own bad behavior. Get rid of the pride and get down to figuring out what YOUR hand was in the breakdown of the marriage. Forget what the spouse has done because it doesn’t matter right this second. What have YOU done? Fix that.
I’m sure there are a ton more, but this is what I can think of off the top of my head. Please understand, by no means am I saying that all the fault lies with the LBS. I also think that the LBS could do everything PERFECTLY and still lose their spouse. And a warning to the LBS, I think there comes a time when things truly become so damaging for you, that you do need to move on and save yourself. This is especially the case when dealing with abuse or addictions. I am not saying always, but it’s something to be mindful of. You have to always keep your own welfare in mind. There is no right or wrong here… I wish there were because it would make everything so much easier.
