I want him to be happy

[stilllookingup]

My H went to look at an apartment Sat morning. When he came back I asked how it was and he shared a lot of details. Old me before DB-ing would have been so quiet from the sadness and would have NEVER asked him how it was etc, so sadly this was my absolute 180. I'm showing him that I support his decision even though I don't like it at all. Like AS, it's hard for me to detach still because he's still at home and we are friendly while he somewhat remains distant.

Sun morning after I came back from a volunteer work, I made a pretty yummy breakfast for us. He enjoyed it a lot and took a time to tell me how great it was. I'm pretty domesticated and I enjoy all the housework incl ironing his shirts. In my culture being domesticated as a wife is very important we even have a saying husbands will always come home as long as you make yummy dinner every night. (even if they have an affair!) It might be a silly saying but I always believed it. He always came straight home on weekdays. I only hope he'll remember my cooking when he leaves and misses it. That's my goal at this moment.

As for separation details - my few friends that I share what's going on seems to greatly care if we discussed this will be a temporary or permanent before D. I'm counting on what my H said about distance reinforcing with me his feelings and clinging to a hope for R in the future, but I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to ask him now "So honey, would I consider this as a trial separation or what?" To me, that's pressure. To me, it shouldn't matter if it's trial or not but the important thing here is to just let him free however it is without asking for a "title" of this separation... but what do you guys think?

I'm just going to take it as a good sign that he didn't mention D anywhere in his last email a week ago. It must be still in his head but he didn't mention it like in his first email 3 months ago "I intend to file for D" I mean he wasn't even interested in "trial separation" at that time.

I've started squatting in the morning and evening. I'm pretty fit and my friends even give me side eyes when I say I need to tone my body. (They think I'm being modest.) But they don't know that I hide my flaws really well. I've always had a chubby bottom that may be appreciated here more but not in my country. I've carried the scar all my adulthood about how my good boy friends of mine would tease me about my chubby legs (not like bullying, but heavy teasing) growing up and I guess it was somewhat "ok" for boys to tease girls like that. When I was at my chubbiest in high school, a young couple at my age was walking behind me near a train station, the girl walked close up to my back, lifted her leg a little bit and asked her bf "Which leg is chubbier? I'm still ok right?" And the bf yelled at her back "Of course, your leg is much skinnier!" That incident haunted me and it still does. You would never guess that I have a complex like that if you just met me. The complex about my legs contributed to how insecure I am about my body image and confidence. I always felt not in a mood for sex after dinner because it made me feel fat. My H loved me, loved my body no matter what. My insecurity made me say no to sex quite often that resulted hurting him so very much.

So, although I don't need to lose weight like my friends say but I know I WANT to tone my legs so I can be so confident and rock mini skirts and dresses that I never did in my 20's.