AS, I just started looking through your original posts from when you first signed on here with your crisis. The small amount of your writings that I have read seems very well thought out. Almost as though the whole situation really didn't seem much of a challenge to you.
Wow, not sure how I left that impression but it was indeed a HUGE challenge!! I've been through the worst and lowest points of my life since BD. Horrible depression, extreme anxiety, no sleep for days on end, unable to function at work and home, etc. etc. It's been awful. I started out DB'ing specifically to save my M, but somewhere along the line it became more about saving myself than my M. And it has, I'm now stronger, more confident and happier than I've been in many years. I still hope to reconcile, but I've reached the point of knowing that my happiness and fulfillment in life is not dependent on W returning.
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With my wife still living here, I find it challenging to disconnect. I have read that "Detach" is to disconnect from the emotional roller coaster but without withdrawing. I am searching for ways to show that I am still here, but without pursuing.
I just can't describe detachment any better than Peanut did here:
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II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
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Part of me wants concrete evidence, but part of me beleives that if I ever found anything that would ensure the demise of our relationship and our family. I suffer from swings in my feelings on this subject.
I would suggest tackling this question now. Ask yourself, if you found out she is involved in an A, would you still want to reconcile or is it a deal-killer? Because nearly every WAS is involved in an A. It may be a PA, an EA or even an imaginary affair. In absense of a PA or EA the WAS will conjure an image of an OP that will give them everything they want in life. This doesn't work for everyone, but the way I finally dealt with not knowing if my W was in an affair was to assume that she was. Once I made that assumption it made it easier for me to decide where to go from there. It also took away the desire to snoop. If you assume your W is in an affair, then you have no need to snoop.
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Did laundry for the first time in about 12 years! Nothing turned into doll clothing!
LOL! Congrats
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I have found an increasing workload coming down on me at home. In the past, my wife assumed most of the duties around the house. That was definitely a shortcoming on my part. It's a 180 for me to be SO involved in taking care of everything around here. It feels good, though, and it helps keep my mind off of the things that bother me. It also gives me a sense of well being and accomplishment.
Same here. Part of my anxiety over W leaving was not knowing how all that was going to get done. But once I jumped in and started doing it and discovered it wasn't some dark science that only women know, the anxiety left and I became much more confident I could run things. When W and I were at RetroV one of her comments was that it actually upset her to see me take everything over because she saw that I didn't need her and that I could actually do a better job of housework than she did. That wasn't my intent at all, my intent was to show her I could free her up to do other things. But it just goes to show how the WAS can find something negative in anything the LBS does.
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On a good note, (baby step, maybe?) my wife asked if I would like to schedule a couples massage with her when she returns. We used to do that on a regular basis followed by lunch. I think I will wait to see if she wants to follow up with more later. Then maybe I can call it a baby step.
Sure it is, as Michele says just celebrate it internally and continue with your DB'ing. Don't have any expectations.
