She rang me today - first time she's called since she left - she rang me to tell me that she was going out tonight with a bunch of new friends one of which was the man (I believe OM) who she was spotted holding hands with. She told me I just wanted to forewarn you in case you get any more texts etc.
Stupidly I asked her if they were dating - she said no we're just friends - stupidly again I asked her if she was going to start dating him - I don't know she told me. OUCH!
I'm finding all of this so difficult and I'm slipping up more than I would like too.
Also if any veterans could look at my recent post, any advice would be greatly appreciated:
Originally Posted By: Intact
Are my 180s/ LRT working? Te reason I ask is my wife sent me a text earlier which just said "thank you for trying to move on and for accepting this. We will make this work because of the great parents we have been, and will be"
This has really troubled me - I feel like because she can see me " moving on" it has pushed her further away - please help me - I really would appreciate any advice ASAP.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
Are my 180s/ LRT working? Te reason I ask is my wife sent me a text earlier which just said "thank you for trying to move on and for accepting this. We will make this work because of the great parents we have been, and will be"
This has really troubled me - I feel like because she can see me " moving on" it has pushed her further away - please help me - I really would appreciate any advice ASAP.
No, it's not pushing her farther away. You only feel this way because DB'ing is counterintuitive. It's doing the opposite of what your heart tells you to do (which is beg/ plead/ cry/ negotiate/ etc.) Your DB'ing is making her feel more comfortable, like the two of you are now on the same page. This will lead to her feeling better about talking to you, spending more time with you, etc. Because the pressure has been removed. Think about the needy/ grabby alternative behavior, do you really think that would be better? Of course not.
How did you respond to her comment? I would suggest something like "You're welcome!! I agree that it's important for us to focus on the kids now and make this as easy on them as possible."
As a personal aside, my W also thanked me for "moving on" after I let her move out. She also made a similar comment about how we would be great coparents. Months went by before she finally started showing signs of interest- she bought me Christmas presents, signed us up for RetroV, and she now initiates hugs daily. I'm convinced she's showing these baby steps now because I followed Db'ing instead of my own instincts. I gave her time and space and focused on my own GAL activities rather than trying to coerce her into returning.
Are my 180s/ LRT working? Te reason I ask is my wife sent me a text earlier which just said "thank you for trying to move on and for accepting this. We will make this work because of the great parents we have been, and will be"
This has really troubled me - I feel like because she can see me " moving on" it has pushed her further away - please help me - I really would appreciate any advice ASAP.
No, it's not pushing her farther away. You only feel this way because DB'ing is counterintuitive. It's doing the opposite of what your heart tells you to do (which is beg/ plead/ cry/ negotiate/ etc.) Your DB'ing is making her feel more comfortable, like the two of you are now on the same page. This will lead to her feeling better about talking to you, spending more time with you, etc. Because the pressure has been removed. Think about the needy/ grabby alternative behavior, do you really think that would be better? Of course not.
How did you respond to her comment? I would suggest something like "You're welcome!! I agree that it's important for us to focus on the kids now and make this as easy on them as possible."
As a personal aside, my W also thanked me for "moving on" after I let her move out. She also made a similar comment about how we would be great coparents. Months went by before she finally started showing signs of interest- she bought me Christmas presents, signed us up for RetroV, and she now initiates hugs daily. I'm convinced she's showing these baby steps now because I followed Db'ing instead of my own instincts. I gave her time and space and focused on my own GAL activities rather than trying to coerce her into returning.
Thank you AnotherStander I really do appreciate your advice - it has helped me a lot.
I responded by saying "we will always be great parents"
I am working on all of my 180s - I look better than I have done in years, I have started socialising with friends at home, guitar lessons and teaching photography to a couple of college students... It does fill the time and takes my mind off things...
My wife still tells me she is thinking of dating this OM ( I think she already has a physical relationship with him) but at this point I guess that's neither here or there, however, I do worry that the relationship with the OM could turn into real "love" - I know I can't control it but it does worry me - I also have trouble with putting the 2 of them together to the back of my mind...
I have gone 2 days without contacting wife (not long I know, but it's big for me) ironically she has contacted me both times, once to bring some mail over and once via text to ask if I minded her going into the house, whilst I was out, to collect a saucepan.
I really am trying my very best and DR has become my bible which I read every night... I am doing everything I can but sometimes when I'm alone the pain of us no longer being a family together really takes its toll and I do find myself wondering if she misses it too.
Again thank you so much for your advice, your story is so I souring and it is very much appreciated when you stop by my thread.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
As I've posted before our Sitch's are very similar especially the way you describe how your feeling. I find it hard dealing with the lack of contact and communication from my W but of course she won't contact me because I'm the problem in her eyes.
Don't disappear maybe we can help each other thru this
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
Thanks LJC - I've no intention of disappearing - I need this place so much at the moment as I feel it's the only place I can get across my true feelings whilst still getting v good advice.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
Struggling today as lots of jobs to do where I am by myself and to make matters worse my W is with OM all last night and all tonight - I do try and not to think about it because I can't control her but it is so incredibly difficult...
I think an issue I will have in the not too distant future is how I react when my W tells me she wants our Son to meet the OM. I do think it'll happen soon as I think my Wife is someone that falls in love easy (especially at the moment) - we had only been on approx 5 dates when she confessed that she was "falling for me"
I need to work out how I handle this upcoming conversation as I really am not happy about our Son meeting the OM - any suggestions please?
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
