Am I kidding myself.

[MrBond]

"I need to stop this feeling of desperation and understand that all my acts of desperation will not work..."

So why did you send that email?

[Hopefull2]

MrBond, I can't answer why i did. Had been stewing on it for some time, couldn't get it out of my mind that i needed to say something, I had read in one of the archive posts that sometimes you have to "take a chance". Along the same lines of trial and error. I have no idea what will/won't work but i have had communications with her like this that seemed to open her up in the past. I think after reading what i emailed i got scared based on its tone, sounded desperate/pleading/persuing...

I recieved a very encouraging/positive email back from W last night;

From W:
"I appreciate your email, thank you. I want to start off by saying that I do know you care and I know that I have hurt you so deeply and I am sorry for this. I spend most of my nights sitting and wondering what went wrong and when. I can't come up with an answer to this and it really bothers me. I have lost all trust in people at this point so I try to figure things out in my own mind. At this point, I think that I have put a huge guard up.....
I think tho that the one thing I keep thinking of is I never really felt emotionally supported. I guess what I keep going back to in my mind is that I felt that you did not stand up for me. I took a lot of grief and _____________ with your mom, my mom, the church and never felt that I had you in my corner. Funny how you and I are so much alike in this that we will go to great lengths to avoid conflict. So much that I never told you how I felt. I always thought that you were doing everything you should as a husband and it was my "role" to sit back and let you take the lead and I be "submissive". Oh, how I was wrong. I wished I was a stronger person back then and spoke my voice loudly.
I am not saying that we never had any fun. We had have good times and have made many memories. I wish I could go back in time and figure out when we started to drift away from one another but I can't. I try to figure out when and where I went wrong as a wife and where I went wrong as a mother, but I can't. You say I have a lot of hurts that go deep, yep, you are absolutely correct and I don't know what to do with it all right now. I think that what I need right now from you is to find that friendship that we lost.
When you stop and think about it we have been through so much. More than a room full of people in a lifetime. If you go back and think about everything, it is very overwhelming. I have been making a list and it is just crazy. {she lists some of the things we have had to deal with that i would rather not post, just know that several of which were life changing for us and our kids and should have sent us all to counseling for help} Our "bumps" in the road are more like boulders in the road.
Alright, I am going to stop rambling right now. I guess you could say that this is a starting point for my communication to you. I only hope that you can try to understand and reason out what it is I am saying. When I left, I left because I was afraid of losing my friendship with you. I have said it before and I will continue to say it, I do not want to lose the friendship that we once had between us. I was scared and lonely.

This email was a big step for me. H, you did not come across as "pushy", just caring. Funny thing: I actually might look forward to your short trips back home, I might get a dinner and movie out of it. LOL H, let's continue to work on the friendship that we lost so long ago and see where it goes from there. Is that ok with you? "

After waiting for an hour to open this i had tears of relief and hope. I text W and said "you will always be my best friend :)"

[MrBond]

The problem is that you don't want to be her "best friend". You want to be her H.

"MrBond, I can't answer why i did."

Yes you do. "couldn't get it out of my mind that i needed to say something"

That's why.

You're always going to feel like "if I just send this LAST message, or if only I could send this LAST card, etc."

All it does is cushion her fall when you need her to fall.

Start taking yourself outside of her life and build yourself back up.

[TSquared2]

Hi H2,

Okay, you now have the information you have been seeking...imho, now is the time to back off, go dim, again. Leave her with the more pleasant memory of your last encounters. Let her come to you when/if she wants to.

Use the time to work on you, learn from what she wrote what there is to learn (in small doses). But foremost, get YOURSELF back and better than ever. What's this Hopeful2 guy made of?



T^2

[Portia]

Hi H2

You've stopped by my thread, so I thought I would stop by your home base. Can't offer any advice, but just some support.

Seems we are both struggling with detachment.

So much of your situation rings true with me! The SO who "just isn't into us" anymore. They are not mean or even completely cold and they insist that we are "best friends" while having their mini-friends on the side.

The worst thing for me is that I struggle not to take even the smallest positive and run away with it. You seem to be doing a bit better - which is great! You've received some great advice here (that I will steal and try to put to good use as well)

Take care!

[Portia]

The problem is that you don't want to be her "best friend". You want to be her H.

"MrBond, I can't answer why i did."

Yes you do. "couldn't get it out of my mind that i needed to say something"

That's why.

You're always going to feel like "if I just send this LAST message, or if only I could send this LAST card, etc."

All it does is cushion her fall when you need her to fall.

Start taking yourself outside of her life and build yourself back up.

Mr. Bond,

You speaketh the truth.

[Hopefull2]

Mr B, T2,
Thanks for your input. I do get to feeling unsure of myself and i question/doubt myself too much at times. I truly believe I have my goals laid out and am doing what is working to get there. Before I moved out of state I wanted to reach the point that almost fealt like we were dating. I want her to look forward to me coming home, too miss me while I am away. I do not want her to feel the pressure of a relationship but the caring of a friend. And even though I agree that I do not want to be just "best friends" I believe that step is the first toward a relationship. I understand that my first priority was to protect my heart and my emotional stability. Thus the importance of detaching and going dim (limiting contact). While I am trying to build and nurture my friendship with my W I am constantly evaluating my emotional health and my detachment.

Update,
W and I had dinner together when I came back to town. Ended up havin some conversation about the letter. I kept it light and thanked her for opening up. She brings up how our daughter is just like her and is dealing with depression. She also admits she is just like her mom and mentions how her mom had a nervous breakdown and spent several months in a treatment facility. Interesting. I read into this that she is being honest with herself which I take as a very good sign.

Thanksgiving morning I bought W a Starbucks and stopped it by her place as she was preparing her meal. She was very appreciative and I god several warm hugs and even a slight hand hold before I left.

[Hopefull2]

Time for an update:
I am pretty much living out of state now. Was home for Christmas then came back home Jan 18 for the weekend. Had planned on seeing a movie with W on Sat night but she asked for a rain check. I was pretty dissapointed at the time but am determined not to "pressure". Contact while i am gone has been fairly minimal. Taking T2 and Mr B's advice to be somewhat dim.

Had very interesting/suprising conversation on Thursday. She called to let me know how some doctors appointments went and mentioned she had used a gift card our son had given her and bought a study Bible for her ipad. I will take that as a positive step.

Will be back home next weekend for daughters birthday. We are all going to a dinner/play. Looking forward to it, see how it goes.

[reachingHigher]

Hi Hopeful!

How did the dinner/play go and celebration of daughter's birthday?

Hope you are doing well

rH

[Hopefull2]

Thanks for stopping by RH. My older D and I did a bang up job for younger D's birthday. Had a limo take us to the play, felt like big shots... Was fun and light and she loved it. Nothing notable with interactions with W. She had her walls up as usual.

My time at home is almost up, leaving again tomorrow. Did have a couple conversations with W, mainly about her job and search for new one. Was hoping for a miracle and she would consider looking where i now live (didn't even ask her to consider... no pressure...) Tried to invite myself over to here place to watch SuperBowl. She was considering it but said she would have to see how she felt. Declined later in the day (more on this below). Dissapointed but made the best of it, trying to stay with zero expectations. This was my attempt at something new to see if it worked, maybe a little pressure but not so much that she was uncomfortable.

Need Input/Advice/2x4

I have had reason to believe that W's contact with OM has diminished. No phone calls, texts. No medical bills from his office. She quit going to social group which he is part of.

BUT...

On several occasions that she has cacelled/declined time with me i have noticed she has been constantly updating on FB. I am assuming she is IM'ing with someone. Of course my mind goes to OM??? Maybe not but do not know. So on my way to friends for SuperBowl i drive by her complex and notice a car that was same color as OM's. I pull into complex to see and car is gone by the time i get there. Maybe nothing but my paranoia...

So as you can see having trouble with letting go... My gut is telling me that it is not over with OM. If i knew this to be true i would go NC and if she asked i would tell her until she can tell me that it is over with OM i am moving on, not holding onto the hope...

I could hire a PI to find out? One thing that i almost did early in sitch was contact OM's Wife and let her know. I still regret in someways not doing so. He has no pressure to end whatever is going on, no consequenses.

Or i could let go and let God. Which i have prayed a lot about. I have prayed that God would make this public. I just am afraid that if i do so the damage would be too great. But am i being week in allowing this to go on behind everyones back if i know it is??