Thank you, Andrew and Grace. Your words are so comforting, and found myself reading them over and over.
Today isn't any better, though. It might be a bit worse. I went to my old church (my H went with me a few times) and decided to switch to the new church where there are younger people and there are no memories.
This AM I was rebelling against society's norms and expectations, traditions, commercials, the Super Bowl ads, FB and other online media, etc. Everything bothered me. It's interesting. I felt like moving to a hut in the middle of nowhere where there are no Kay's commercials about engagement rings and Valentine's Day and bills to pay. Get the idea?
So I think I'll just accept my sour mood as Grace suggested and know it'll pass.
Also, a ton of bad memories have been popping out of nowhere, esp memories from when my H was having the A. All the lies (there were SO MANY!) and all the comments that made me feel awful about myself. A S who's having an A can really hurt not only by actually having the A, but by their daily attitude toward their S. When I think of this, I reject the idea of ever considering my H as my life partner again, and even as a friend. But I know I must forgive. Sometimes I feel as though I've forgiven him, but when I'm in pain, all the bad feelings come back.
I also think that if he had shown kindness toward me, and worked to save our M, I would've forgiven him a lot faster. But he's done the opposite.
I also wished Karma really existed, even though I know it doesn't.
I wished hell existed, even though I know it doesn't.
It's my ego at work. Taking a strong hold of me now.
In a few minutes, I'm going to meet a friend of ours (and her H) for yogurt. My H and her H went to school together, and they both work in the same field. I don't feel like pretending that I'm doing great and that there are no hard feelings, but I'll do it--at least to a certain extent. Will try to keep the conv away from my sitch.
The meeting with my friend went well--really helped. Not much talk about my sitch, but just enough that I felt supported. The cloud hovering over me seems to be lifting.
Dropping by Tori, to lend my support. Call it what you will but I think Karma does exist, here's the kicker though....you get back what you put out, is what I think. So, H will get back what he puts out just as we all do.
I went through some rough times and when I needed it the universe was there for me, but I had to see it. These were things that old Ruby would have ignored and instead focused on the negative.
A challenge maybe is to take every experience one day and find something good. I am going to tell you now, laundry was a tough one...lol! But I realized that I spent much much more of my energy on the bad things and when I realized that and began to turn it around, so did everything else in my life.
You really are amazing Tori. . I wish you nothing but happiness, love and peace.
FY, and Ruby, thank you. Wish I could give you both a real hug :-)
Ruby, I completely agree that we must be aware, and by being aware, we can tap into the power of God, or the Universe, or whatever you may want to call it. Lucky people are just people who are aware.
Also, I'm going to reconnect with my intuition. I think I have a really powerful one. But I recognize I still fail sometimes, when the ego takes a hold of me.
My low moods are worsened by my physical health (still feel sick,) the freezing weather, and by spending a lot of time on my own (don't feel up to doing much, plus I don't want to get anyone sick.) But next week will be better.
I just sent an email to my L, asking him the questions that kept me up last night, and also to let him know the minimum I need to cover my expenses. My friend today told me to let the L negotiate the support amount with my H, but this sounds adversarial to me. I think it's best to negotiate this with my H directly (and it'll be a lot cheaper.) Thoughts??
In the past, I've been a horrible negotiator, maybe bc I always want to be nice and don't like people getting upset, so this will be a tough one. Maybe I should schedule a session with my coach to ask her how to approach this. I googled "negotiating alimony with your spouse" and nothing good came up.
Tori, I too believe I have been a people pleaser. Sometimes this is good and sometimes not. In regards to negotiating directly with your H I don't have any experience in this area but perhaps you want to google on "assertive communications" prior to meeting your H.
I think you might go into such a meeting with the following: - completely know your financial facts and stick to them - know what dollar amounts you want - think of any curve balls your H might throw at you before hand so you can anticipate and diffuse them - hold firm on your opinions - don't feel guilty for your requests - open and honest with H - don't say unassertive words like "possibly we could..." - be prepared to calmly plan another meeting if it is not going well. Don't necessarily need to finish in one meeting.
Good luck. I'm sure you will do well.
I'm on moderation so not sure when this response will appear.
HI, Tori, Sorry your sickness is still lingering. And, sorry you are grappling with getting through things.
I understand how hard it is to get through "normal" things. I agree w ruby about trying to find good in the little things.
I also think you are doing a good job trying to do things differently (going to a new church) to help start your new chapter and where memories aren't lingering around every corner.
I think you should let your L negotiate your alimony. It keeps you from having to play that role. You have to do what's best for you.
I agree that you seem to have a strong intuition and should let that be a guiding force for you. God gave you that gift.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I just sent an email to my L, asking him the questions that kept me up last night, and also to let him know the minimum I need to cover my expenses. My friend today told me to let the L negotiate the support amount with my H, but this sounds adversarial to me. I think it's best to negotiate this with my H directly (and it'll be a lot cheaper.) Thoughts??
In the past, I've been a horrible negotiator, maybe bc I always want to be nice and don't like people getting upset, so this will be a tough one.
Hi Tori. I agree with your friend and lil'G on this one. Here's why: Sure, you'll have to pay the L for his time, but he'll get you a better settlement. Best of all though, you won't have to deal with it. Isn't that worth something?
Don't make it about saving money, or being non-adversarial with H. He'll get over it just fine. Look at all the crap you had to, and still are dealing with!
I don't believe in karma, or even a personal god for that matter. But I do believe in the power of positive thinking. Those who think positive are more likely to see positive things in their life. And it is quite obvious to me that some people find this power of positive thinking through these avenues that I can't see. So for them, their faith can be helpful.
One thing I do know for sure... We only have so many days left on this earth, (you probably a few more than me, you youngster you. lol) so why not figure a way to enjoy each one the best we can, no matter what comes our way?
FY, you made me smile when you called me "youngster." I give thanks to God every day, and I agree that it's important. Good to have the reminder.
I still feel I want to deal with my H in regard to the agreement/alimony instead of the L. I will bring this up to my coach (I scheduled an extra session for Friday.)
The L said my H is required to disclose all of his assets, including the $$ his grandmother gave him. I don't know. I feel that if I bring it up, our R will suffer. Isn't the whole point to have a harmonious R even during the D process?
Also, I'm not sure about giving him the present I had for his B-day. The coach said to give it to him, but I'm not sure. It's such a thoughtful present, and I don't think he deserves it. It all goes back to giving love regardless of whether the other person has earned it. Tough one.
I was reading my daily log of last year, and here are some of the entries around this time of the year, right after he moved out on 1/22/12:
"1/24/12 Feel better today. H called last night-said it was very hard and he missed me and loved me. We'll see. He has us together as an option. I just hope he doesn't take so long that I change my mind. 1/26/12 H said he was thinking about me and wondered what he was doing."
Similar entries all the way to 1/30/12. Then he said he wanted to date other women.
"1/31/12 I guess this year isn't much better than 2011. I had a hard time sleeping with all of this. Talking to H last night was stressful. Last night he said he wanted to be able to get to know a woman better if he wanted to and shouldn't miss on that and that he would think about what was best for him. I'm so hurt and disappointed."
Hasn't this been quite a ride? You're right, FY, I've put up with a lot. I'm sure all of us have.
Time for all of us to enjoy our lives the best we can, even while we go through this...
Haha! So following your footsteps, but about a year back. ONly difference is, H doesn't care about Divorce. I know it will be me who initiates, eventually. H is on to dating other women..lmao...sigh. Oh well, I wouldn't change this journey though...learned a lot about myself, didn't you?
I like the gratitude journal.
I also agree with letting L handle alimony. You already know you are going to cave, so give L minimum of that is what you want to do and say this is amount...he works for you, not other way around...lol!
I don't think H will take it the worng way. You can just say this is the amount I would have asked from you one on one, but thought it would be better that Lawyer handled it.
. I wish you nothing but happiness, love and peace.