25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

WOW guys, thank you. That's very kind of you to say.

Lately I realize there are 2 main approaches I take here. Not all are equally valued...

One is for the brand new person who is here, reeling. They are filled with terror and pain, & often they are paralyzed and desparate. I saw my younger sister that way. She pretty much "lost it" for a long time. And even here, we've had a few suicides...so yes, it's a gut wrenching experience.

I worry that they will blow it in their situations, but even more so, I worry they won't "make it" in life. First things first. It's like triage.

So for them, it's time to just help them get through the day, take care of their kids, and know that IN TIME, they'll be better. IT's true. If you want to call it "coddling", so be it. At times, we need that.

But for others, the not so new, I take a more direct approach and it CAN be too much for people who want to wallow some more. Don't get me wrong, I wallowed too.

When I look back on things, I realize how very much I wallowed. And where I went wrong, is mostly apparent to me now.

Frankly, what happened was "not fair" & it was "not right," and it deeply offended my sense of what life and the world are "supposed" to be like. I had worked hard in school, at my work, did most of the child raising, home care, put h through med school, etc. So when HE got antsy, it floored me with the "injustice" of it all.

But what TO DO about that? How much analysis of THEM is helpful?

Back then, I spent way too much time NOT adapting to what was, and asking "WHY????" countless times. OMG, how I regret that.

That's why I spend time with people who seem stuck on blaming the WAS or acting as if they're "nuts in crazyland", and or, asking "WHY it is happening?" all the time...and time spent wondering which label to attach to their spouse...another great time waster. I spent a TON of time reading about MLCs...

but the reality was my h, at that time, believed his happiness lay 3000 miles away from us. Who really cares why? Who cares if it was an MLC or the culmination of a pattern of increasingly selfish behavior OR a fluke event OR an actual belief that "we" could live more happily on the tundra OR his obession with money or whatever....who cares? He wanted to leave and live in a place I hated and I was not his priority and neither was time with our children...then...

I don't know that I "caused" that, but I definitely did not help things when he began to want to leave. And I didn't handle his other life concerns well enough either, b/c frankly, I thought they were "selfish". So did the first 3 mc's we saw. At the time the mc's told us that my h was "acting single" and or being "Selfish", I felt vindicated.

Only later did I realize that although it meant I was "right"...there was nothing to DO with that lovely word that used to mean so much. I mean, so what if I'm "right", if he's still going?

So yeah, GAL is huge. We hammer it for a reason, as in, it works.

A spiritual route is crucial & I'm lucky to find comfort in my faith, and having a PLAN for your future without your spouse, but w/you being happy, is mandatory. Not b/c I think it's over for people here...but

I happen to think those things ^^^ are the path one should take, NO MATTER WHAT THE WAS IS DOING...

I think the WAS is far more likely to return IF
you GAL,
become less predictable,
do the 180s for long enough,
lose the anger/scorecard,
keep the road home paved & smooth,
are happy w/yourself and upbeat about your future,
and learn how to forgive (which is not necessarily something you need to even tell your WAS...)

b/c forgiveness really is for you, and it really does set YOU free.

My anger, my belief that forgiving my h would somehow increase the chance of being hurt again,(like it would "teach" him to mistreat me")
or that my h did not 'deserve' forgiveness,

all reflected on my poor understanding of what forgiveness is.

And that problem w/not forgiving, my anger, consumed ME. MY LIFE was hurt by my not forgiving, (not h's).

I was STUCK in my anger and only by letting go of it, could I be happy again.

AND

If your WAS never comes home, your recovery from that blow, and your healing, and your new, better life, will come much faster by doing the above.

So my 2nd approach now, (not w/the truly "NEW newbies) but the latter, more direct approach, is for everyone to look in the mirror and do THEIR work...

it's faster, frankly. When I came to believe that I'd be happy with or without my h, ( & that it would more likely be without), it radiates from within.

And that gets the WAS attention often. But it IS a paradox, b/c you can only do this if you really believe you're fine on your own and you mean it. THEN they wake up. For me, that wasn't an immediate "Oh good" response. I had come to see the upside of a new way of living, b/c I made the best of it. I had to.

I refuse to be unhappy in my life. I've never believed we're here to suffer and just get through it. Pain is part of life, and I do get that. But our goal should always be making the best of what we do have and to remember how many blessings we do have AND that happiness is our responsibility, our "job", not someone else's and we cannot blame others for our sadness, ultimately.

(Meaning, at some point in life, regardless of past childhood or past marital problems, we are living the life we create.)

I appreciate your comments folks. I really really do. And I've met some of you in person and it's always a good experience. Very cool.

THANK YOU for your words! It means a lot to me.