Hopeful84 update

[Hopeful84]

I wasn't able to reply on my old thread and I just wanted to drop in.

Things seem to be better, but often times I still feel discouraged and hopeless about a reconciliation.

The other woman moved away the first week of January. During that time my husband and I have really been doing some couple building exercises and having some good talks, some hurtful ones too.

He often says he lost that spark for me, that emotional connection and he fears he won't ever be able to get it back. That he doesn't love me the way I want him to, and he wishes he could kill his feelings for the other woman.

Things still are not where I feel they should be. The other woman constantly calls, and my husband is planning on buying her flowers for valentines day and going to see her in Colorado. I told him this was hurtful and a dealbreaker for me. He asked me to understand that he doesn't want to do those things, but he is afraid she will do something drastic if he tells her how he doesn't want a relationship with her. He is wanting her to move on and find someone else, but he feels indebted to her- because she "saved" him during a hard time in his life.

He thinks we fight a lot, and I admit I am good about telling him how things make me feel, how they hurt and then he shuts down. He left for Tennessee last week to see his mom and I thought time apart would be a good thing, for him to clear his head and figure out what he wants.

We have had no contact for a week, and I don't plan on having contact for a while. I cannot help it when he returns but for now, its just ignoring the phone or turning it off. Its definitely hard.

Its wishy washy, he is back and forth, he is depressed and doesn't know how to fix it. He says me telling him how his actions hurt is me trying to control him. I just feel like I should be able to tell him how I really feel, not hide it because he will get upset.

So I don't know where this is headed really, but every day is different and we have good times and major fallbacks.

How is everyone doing?

[kml]

Aw honey - sorry you are still in that stuck place.

I've got a couple of thoughts about your post:

A) He "has" to send her flowers and fly to meet her for Valentine's Day? Really???? That's so incredibly lame. He's doing what he wants to do and trying to soften the blow to you by claiming he has to do it so she won't off herself. Do you hear how ridiculous he is?

B) He's never going to miss you until YOU'RE GONE. Right now, he knows he can have you if he wants you, and he's still dithering. OW looks more attractive because she's gone. You need to be the one moving on. He has to start worrying about losing you.

I'm not saying you need to date or anything. But he needs to worry that you will. He needs to worry that you're gone.

OR - I've said it before, I'll say it again - you're young, no kids, and you might need to accept that he's no longer the man you once knew and probably never will be again. Nothing wrong with moving forward with your life if you want to. You've done enough.

[Hopeful84]

Thanks KML.. as always EVERYTHING you say is right on.

And amazingly, the more time I spend alone, the more I am accepting the fact that he is no longer the man I married, or who I know at all anymore.

I have requested that he go to Colorado and sort out his feelings for the OW and not to see me, or return home, until he is ready to either move on with repairing our marriage without her, or to file for divorce. I started clearing out our junk items today, we had an entire downstairs full of crap and I sorted it, also this means if I am unable to afford a place to stay, that I can move into the downstairs bedroom, with a bathroom attached, while we prepare for the house to be rented out or sold.

I am making an appointment with a lawyer next week, its the perfect time to do it and get things done. May even go ahead and file, seems like the perfect opportunity to do it anyway. I kind of feel vindictive and want to wait until he visiting her, and then have the papers sent to her house for him to get them.

Thats mean isn't it? Anyway... my life is one drama after the other.. but I am enjoying my time alone and taking the opportunity to work on what I want .

Its been a long road, and the journey is getting exhausting..