Confused by WAS

[AnotherStander]

AS: I know you said you went through ML initially following BD. how did you deal with that? How did you detach?

Honestly I didn't detach while W was still in the house. W felt I was cold and indifferent in the latter years before BD, so I was trying to be more attentive to her, affectionate towards her and interested in her needs. This is not detaching, but it is in keeping with the idea of doing 180's. I posted in my early thread that I was going to continue that until W moved out and would then work on detaching, and that's what I did. My thoughts were that if/ when W began missing me, she would remember the post-BD me (the husband she really wanted) rather than the cold/ indifferent me that existed before BD. And just to be clear, I wasn't acting in any of this. BD really did transform me from a detached H to one that wanted to be much closer to my W. So I was enjoying the closeness while I could.

[Grizz]

Recently I have had trouble with "being nice". Wife is pleasant most of the time. Initiates conversations, is friendly,etc. But as time goes on, I am feeling more and more resentful toward her. This really makes it hard to be nice when I am around her. We continue to ML (not nearly as often) but we still do. The issue is that she takes days that she will sleep in another room then show back up in our bed for a few nights. This is when we ML. Part of me wants to stop this. But man that would take some will power! I feel like she is just using me. Do we ML because of love or is she just "wanting it" and I am a willing partner. Who knows? Does it even matter? Some say to continue to have sex if the WAS wants to because that does keep a connection between the two of you. Do I continue to do this for that very reason even if she does not love me anymore. I hate being used and that is what I feel like. Also all along I have felt used because I feel she is just hanging around until she finds a new job. Over the past two days I have been much more withdrawn because I have felt more upset over the entire situation. Also as I have been more short with her she has also withdrawn. Even angry that I won't talk much with her. Go figure! Why should she be the one that is angry over the situation? Oh well. As always, any insight is greatly appreciated.

[AnotherStander]

Do I continue to do this for that very reason even if she does not love me anymore. I hate being used and that is what I feel like.

In DR, Michele says to continue ML only if it doesn't affect you negatively. So if it's making you feel used then you might consider stopping it.

Over the past two days I have been much more withdrawn because I have felt more upset over the entire situation.

This would be a good time to get out and away from things. Find something to do. Walk the dog, bicycle, go to the park, jog, work out, meet an old friend. Just do something to improve your PMA and get you out of the house. Whatever it takes to put a smile back on your face, because you want W to see a happy you full of PMA rather than a grumpy grizz

[Grizz]

Thanks AS. PMA,PMA! It's funny that when I am at work I have a much better PMA than when I get home. I just need to learn how to carry it over from work to home.

[LBH_LC]

I find idle hands and/or an idle mind tend to make it difficult to keep a PMA. Keep busy!

[Grizz]

Journaling:
It appears that W is started to tell more people about her desire to get D. She is surrounding herself more and more with people who are divorced or who are seeking a divorce and pushing away her two BEST friends because they want us to stay together. Kinda sad actually. They have been best friends forever. She doesn't seem to have remotely changed her mind about leaving. She continues to be nice to me which drives me crazy! Part of me wishes she would be cold toward me. I think it would make it easier to detach. Maybe not. Who knows? It is just so weird how happy and unaffected by all of this she seems.

[Grizz]

W and her two best friends argued last night. Essentially they are confused by her actions and she says it is none of their business. She was very upset about this and spoke with me in great detail about. This is the most we have talked about us in forever. The down side is that she said with the added pressure from the friends it makes her feel worse and even more want to get away. I listened alot and didn't say much. I tried to validate as much as I could. Now here is the kicker. 30 minutes later she was laying beside me in bed and asked to ML. Even though I wanted to, I gave her a half confused look. She asked me if it was to confusing for me. She said that she feels so lonely. She has never remotely said or acted like this before. I asked her if being lonely was the reason she wanted to ML and she said I don't know. She then said "just like I don't want to be pressure into talking about our R, talking about why we are going to ML is very stressing also". So we did. She stayed in my arms all night. I thought it was wonderful. She has continued to be very upset today about her friends. She talked with me again this morning about it.

So, I am still just as confused as before. Is her acknowledgement of being lonely a good or bad sign? Is the wanting to ML good/bad? Obviously the friends think they are helping but it is definitely not that way. I have spoken with them months ago about the situation but not really recently. W doesn't want me to talk to them so I will try to honor that.

Any insight/comments are greatly appreciated.

[Grizz]

So last night no real affection shown towards me. She did sleep in our bed for the third night in a row. Just as far away on the other side of the bed as possible. Baby steps I guess. She could be back in the other room tonight though. Who knows?

[AnotherStander]

So, I am still just as confused as before. Is her acknowledgement of being lonely a good or bad sign?

Neither. It's a good sign that she's sharing how she feels, but the feeling itself is just that and can change from moment-to-moment.

Is the wanting to ML good/bad?

I think you're trying too hard to read the signs and it's way too soon for that. There probably won't be any significant positive signs for months. You've got to give her as much time and space as possible, it's tough when you're under the same roof though.

Obviously the friends think they are helping but it is definitely not that way. I have spoken with them months ago about the situation but not really recently. W doesn't want me to talk to them so I will try to honor that.

Yeah, that never works out and just comes off to the WAS as pressure. And they'll usually blame the LBS for "rallying people" against them. It's best just not to talk about the M at all to family and mutual friends. Save it for here or for your support person or people that have no connection to your W.

[Grizz]

AS, thanks for the response.
I just feel like I am treading water right now. I know it takes months to see changes but it is so hard day in and day out seeing no change. However, looking back, one change that has happened is initially she was angry with me but now that does not seem to be the case. Now her emotions range from friendly, to numb to distanced. Sometimes all happening within hours of each other.

I am working on GAL. I have always done alot with my kids and I am even doing more now without W. I would like to do other things also but initially W said she felt trapped and smothered. So when I try to go out with friends wife becomes more distanced, almost angry, I think because she feels "trapped" at home with the kids. This makes GAL hard and hurts progress with W.