Into The Sunset

[25yearsmlc]

You know what Tad, you're simply still grieving the woman that once was.

The marriage that once was.

That's all. And it's ok!

It's a Bitch! But it's ok!

I think we mourn it so deeply because we still have very much unfinished business with these spouses of ours. And if that's not bad enough they're still walking around "haunting" us, with their weird contacts and such.

Honestly it's would be easier if they had died. I've heard so many people say that. I agree!

Ask yourself why that is true. I think it's because we let our wounded egos affect us too deeply for too long. Just mho.

It's been so painful to see XH act like Old Husband from time to time and then realize the situation we're in now. Like a horrible nightmare you can't wake from.

I agree with how it really is with people that remain friends after divorce. Honestly a mutual agreement and amicable divorce is the only way I can see being friends with the ex spouse.


Not to quibble, but I have seen couples manage to get along well "enough" even though the divorce was not mutual. I think it's rare that a divorce begins as a mutual thing anyhow.

My older sister's h left her for OW, after 22 years of m & 3 kids. She handled it with a lot dignity and strength though she was deeply wounded.
She deeply loved her h. But B/C of the kids, she chose to keep things civil.

Sure enough, he remarried and later, so did she.

My sister is comfortable around her ex now. She has realized he did her a favor b/c he was very high maintenance in their m, and her "new" h (10 years now) really gets her, and he treats her better than her ex h ever would have.

I guess my sister feels lucky after all. That makes it easier for her to be civil and even warm to him. I'm not saying his new w is comfortable when they're all together like at a graduation, but who cares how OW feels?

(SIDENOTE, the family of my former BIL, LOVED my sister and were so angry with their son when he left my sister. So when my sister's former mil died suddenly, her ex h called HER, not his present wife. They both cried. In the former MIL's obit, it said "survivors include" and listed her sons and his new wife and then it said "and the beloved mother of my grandchildren"..and listed my sister's name". Bittersweet & beautiful)

I believe the comfort level my sister feels with her ex is based on HER life going well, not his life failing, which it isn't. I think HER feeling happy within makes all the difference.

In a way she knows her ex did her a favor. He never would have realized what a great catch my sister is, had he not dumped her for OW...only to realize her "flaws" were so minor compared to her gifts/qualities.

Just mho. But I have seen it. And the divorce was NOT mutual and at the time, not very amicable.


That's how I felt about XH. He pulled the "friends" behavior and just wouldn't leave it alone! But like you, true friends don't do that to others.

But we do have friends who "wrong" us and often, we cut them slack or we forgive them. OR we learn to see things from their perspective. (Off the top of my head, I can't recall a single time Tad has mentioned one thing he wishes he'd done better as a h...did I miss it Tad? Do you recall any flaws you want to work on?)

If we have children with our former spouses, we still have duties to our children to MINIMIZE the affect of the divorce on them. Tad, how do you see your efforts there?

I say we have to maintain some civility. Besides, w/Tad, there's still just way too much focus on HER and a lot of measuring of how her life is going ---
as if that dictates HIS level of happiness.

I mean, If HER car works well and his does not, Tad may see that as a cruel irony. But I say it's not relevant.

If Tad wins the lottery, does that mean his ex w should be sad? Or poorer??

Of course not. So if something goes well in her life OR IF SHE REALLY IS HAPPY--
WHY does that count "against" his happiness? It does not PROVE that he was a bad h.

IMHO, we spend way too much time reassuring Tad (hoping??) that she's NOT really happy. Why? What difference should it make to TAD if she's not happy?
Why do we pretend it reflects on HIM?

IF she has changed and now needs someone else for her happiness, that's not on him. And if he did fail her in some ways as a h, then let him realize it and learn from it.

Down deep shouldn't we all hope for the best for the parents of our children? Anyone I spend that much time with deserves me at least not wishing ill for them.

Her happiness/misery is NOT an index for HIS happiness/misery.

Tad, when you stop seeing a relationship between how HER Life is going

and yours, you'll have learned a valuable lesson about detachment.