When tapestries of life get tangled in the loom.

[lionhrt]

'I regognized I messed it all up, it's not secret I'm in shambles, I cry every night, there, I'm not ashamed to say it, I'm a wreck, but practically, in the facts, I don't even know what to do, where to start, what to think, what to feel'

Write a list of everything your W complained to you about, everything people have told you here about you and every fault you recoginse about yourself. Then next to each one write the opposite.

Then work through each one on what you are going to do to work on to make yourself a better person....and not from the point of view that if I buy a house W will think I am good with money. Leave W out of it completely. This is for you and you alone.

Treat W like you would a neighbour or friend. No pursuit, polite contact but only if she initiates it. Follow her lead and don't play games with her and be responsible for you and your S.

Your W has a wall around her like steel and you are not going to break it by buying a house or anything else. Like 25yrs says consistent change that she can believe in. This means 12 months at least (IMHO)and that timescale is growing with every post you make on here.

Your posts sound like you are always looking for the next thing that will win her back and if it does not work then you will move onto something else. Forget her for now, if you don't focus on changing your behaviours and attitude she will never come back. This is about making you a better person, stronger, more responsible, a better parent etc etc.....and that does not involve your W at all at this stage.

Be organised financially and generally. When you start to feel like a new you then you have just begun your journey. You are way off the mark at the moment so if you are serious you wipe the slate clean, brush yourself off and start again. Don't dwell on the past but learn from it.

If it does end in D then you will be a better person and your next R will be better for it.

Do not be a victim. Be strong, independent and stop whining. You will not stop her finding someone else and have no control over her so you control you and you alone.

You have a huge number of posts with advice from experienced people who have made this process work to save their M. You are v lucky to have them on board so absorb what they write and work on it. This will be the toughest thing you ever do so man up or give up.

Anyone can make mistakes but it is a fool that does not learn from them.

[adinva]

Good post there.

Bruce, you can't expect us to feel sorry for you feeling bad and crying. We do because we've been there, but that does you exactly zero good. Get on with it.

You asked what are you supposed to do at this point, wish her luck, as if you haven't been told hundreds, maybe thousands of times by now exactly what you are supposed to do, step by step. Here rkyfat has spelled it out for you, again. What you are supposed to do is do better. Starting right now. Just for you.

Have you mastered changing your son's diaper now, so that he's as clean as you'd want to be if he were you? What's his favorite t-shirt? What's his favorite color and food? Are you as passionately in love and interested in him as you ever were in your wife, yet? Have you made a friend with a child and set up a playdate yet?

I cannot believe you'd come here and say you don't know where to start or what to do. It's like all the time that people have been here writing to you has been a complete waste. Next time you want to come in here and moan about how rotten you feel (and go ahead that's what this place is for), before you hit "Submit," think for 30 seconds more and try to channel someone who's been posting here, and ask yourself, what would they say in response to your question. Answer it yourself, here. And tell what you're going to do next, don't ask.

That is how you learn.

[25yearsmlc]

what they^^^^ said. Dear God Bruce, LISTEN

and then DO.

That is the answer. It's NOT a mystery.

[25yearsmlc]

Guys,
I agree I have been a terrible husband, if not I wouldn't be here.
I am responsible for the breakdown of our marriage, and I worsened things pursuing trying to reconcile even.

I do not believe that YOU believe that you caused the breakdown.
You say it, but you contradict it often.
It's possible you think you made some mistakes afterwards, but most of the time you refer to yourself as being "too nice" after, so I'm not even sure you think you worsened things, for the reasons we might think so.


Surely I have pondered and learnt during this ordeal.


What, specifically do you mean? What is it you have learned, specifically?

But then what? I mean, what am I supposed to do at this pojnt. Wish her best of luck?

Seriously? I have been direct, listing suggestions to you, repeatedly. So have others.

This question is at best, a reflection on your inability to take in information you dislike. You need to change. Period.
Go read the MANY posts you've been given and see if you can glean a tip or two. THEN re-cap some of what we've told you and then we can work out something.

But to ask us "what now, wish her luck" is almost insulting. You think THAT is what we've been telling you?? If so, listening and Hearing, are two things you need to work on more.


Tell her I'm ok with D (and therefore validating her probable idea of looking for another person?)
Should I move on and begin looking for another girl?


SIGH...see above^^

Yes, I regognized I messed it all up, it's not secret I'm in shambles, I cry every night, there, I'm not ashamed to say it, I'm a wreck,

you say all that^^^, but you do NOT say WHY or HOW YOU messed up. So I don't know what to make of it.

You make vague statements of "minor" neglect & negligence. (Usually you then say she's done much worse to you). OR you revise things and blame her far more...But when you express regret, pretty quickly you then discuss your profound depression. But that isn't learning or growth. It's self pity and pain.

WE GET IT, it hurts. But that wallowing won't help you. Brave self examination & CHANGE will.


but practically, in the facts, I don't even know what to do, where to start, what to think, what to feel.

Bruce.

See the above comments and the many from others (Adnivas and R's above are great starts posted those are just TODAY'S.

The only upside to this nightmare ordeal we have all been through, is the

growth and self improvement. That's ALL up to YOU.