Thank you, Andrew and Grace. Your words are so comforting, and found myself reading them over and over.
Today isn't any better, though. It might be a bit worse. I went to my old church (my H went with me a few times) and decided to switch to the new church where there are younger people and there are no memories.
This AM I was rebelling against society's norms and expectations, traditions, commercials, the Super Bowl ads, FB and other online media, etc. Everything bothered me. It's interesting. I felt like moving to a hut in the middle of nowhere where there are no Kay's commercials about engagement rings and Valentine's Day and bills to pay. Get the idea?
So I think I'll just accept my sour mood as Grace suggested and know it'll pass.
Also, a ton of bad memories have been popping out of nowhere, esp memories from when my H was having the A. All the lies (there were SO MANY!) and all the comments that made me feel awful about myself. A S who's having an A can really hurt not only by actually having the A, but by their daily attitude toward their S. When I think of this, I reject the idea of ever considering my H as my life partner again, and even as a friend. But I know I must forgive. Sometimes I feel as though I've forgiven him, but when I'm in pain, all the bad feelings come back.
I also think that if he had shown kindness toward me, and worked to save our M, I would've forgiven him a lot faster. But he's done the opposite.
I also wished Karma really existed, even though I know it doesn't.
I wished hell existed, even though I know it doesn't.
It's my ego at work. Taking a strong hold of me now.
In a few minutes, I'm going to meet a friend of ours (and her H) for yogurt. My H and her H went to school together, and they both work in the same field. I don't feel like pretending that I'm doing great and that there are no hard feelings, but I'll do it--at least to a certain extent. Will try to keep the conv away from my sitch.
