Have been following your thread. Sorry your H is still in La La Land
It's hard to always be strong, always be the emotional rock for your children. You do a pretty damn good job at it
Don't have any words of wisdom for you, wish I did. These MLCers push us to our limits, don't they? But, we will come out better and stronger in the end. They may never come out.
And your girls are so very lucky to have you for their mom. Don't forget it!
Hang in there, come vent to us. Hope you're having a better day
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
i think it is one of the most painful times, when they move forward with the D process despite all of our work to improve ourselves and to give them space. i hope that you are taking good care of yourself.
2 things that cadet repeats often here help me greatly.. one is about putting your love in a box away up on a shelf (that helps me detach).. the other is that the LBS gets to decide in the end (that reminds me of my power over my choices for my life.)
((((((((((((((((((((((((((BK)))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
So whenever I feel sad I then flashback to the bomb and the supposeed marriage consulors we went to right after bomb.
They were a couple. Older kind of hippie ish. My h only agreed to go if we went because it was divorce counselling.
I just wanted to go some place. I didn't know why he was saying he was leaving me, we were just bidding on homes. He had just told me how much he loved me. Our 2nd daughter was only 1.
The assessment of these 2 mc was that I was hysterical and I wasn't listening to him. I needed to hear how upset he was, I needed to listen more to his grievances. They never talk to him about how this would hurt our girls. They treated me like I was being irrational because he was hurting me so deeply that I wad constantly crying. That I needed to accept this.
I am so angry at these two quacks. My mind always goes back to them so I needed to write about it.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
B, I am so sorry that those therapists reacted in that way. There are, unfortunately, many who are incompetent and not in tune with proaction.
But I see between the lines that you are thinking that maybe if you went to someone different that things would have turned out differently.
I want you to know, without a single doubt, that there was nothing you could do to stop this from happening. This was a journey he was meant to take.
The fact that all those things happened right before the bomb should show you that he is in crisis.
It is normal, when you have another blow like having to deal with the divorce, to rehash it all in your head.
It really is not something that we can understand as we have not gone through an MLC.
Please dont beat yourself up in your head.
You were a loving, loyal wife. Sure there are things we all have to own. But, we did the best we could with the tools and knowledge we had at the time.
He has to walk this path. And you have to continue on yours.
I expect you will have a little backsliding in your thinking for a bit. But dont let this take away from your hardearned work.
The surest sign that my H was using/abusing alcohol and drugs was how irrational I was behaving. The crazier I acted, the heavier his using. MY H was a master at convincing everyone that I was the problem. Unfortunately, too many counselors don't understand addiction and the crapola that comes outta an addicts mouth.
I know there's more going on than his addiction, but it's a big factor in his thought process. He can't, absolutely CANNOT make a sound and rational decision when he is in the throws of his disease. Everything will either be FOR his disease or AGAINST it and God help whoever/whatever gets in the way--Right now, you are in the way.
I think it was you who reminded me how my H cannot have a relationship when he is actively using. It helped me to remember that. My H's girlfriend is his booze and marijuana right now. That is/has been his best friend for many years--I've ALWAYS come second when he is active in his addiction.
Last night, when our D10 (with Aspergers) was havn an 45 minute meltdown because I had asked her to get into her bed...I hated H and the disease for robbing me of my husband and my kids from their father. There's nothing fair about it. But, we aren't alone. You aren't alone.
The truth always rises to the surface. I recently read how this is the way that the Dalai Lama deals with China's unfairness to Tibet. He trusts the truth. The truth will always prevail. Always.
Sometimes the only way an addict will "Get It" is when they GET everything they think they want. Let him think he's getting his way for now. It's only gonna bite him in the A$$. I have decades of being an alcoholic wife to testify to this. One time, I stopped him dead in his tracts of a huge spew (how I was the wrong person and I was no fun and I took life too seriously, yadda, yadda, yadda...) I said, "You may be right. You obviously want to live a different life than I do. Go for it. I hope you're very happy."
Detach with love and take good, good, good care of yourself today.
Much Love, Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Are you sure he wants the financials for the D or the tax refund? I never trust when my addict bullies me for some financial info. Also, financial info is the best when it comes to bullying us spouses--you're tired and overwhelmed and working harder than you should be and in a pressure cooker and his disease is going to use that for all it's worth-----to get his own way.
From the minute I read what your H had said, I was reminded of my own situation. One time, I came home from a family reunion (H had stayed home because he wanted to use) and he handed me divorce papers. I had just driven our 4-year-old to North Carolina and back. I was exhausted. Driven all night to get home. While I was gone, he had called me to tell me how much he loved and missed me. The minute I walked into the house, he handed me papers. Turned out it was a bluff.
Another time, he convinced his parents that I was INSANE--he simply HAD to leave me to save his own sanity. That time he had been using in secret for four years. I only discovered the truth because he had hidden a bag in the sidewall of his truck. Somehow I found it-musta been snoopin.
I could give you at least 50 more situations where he was ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY CONVINCED THAT WE WERE DONE. He handed me papers, hired an attorney, did some horrible despicable thing...
A reminder... An alcoholic acts and we react. He's acting again. You don't have to do anything you aren't ready for... Don't do anything to make this easy. Is he simply trying to get YOU to do the work?
My H is a super lazy SOB when he is in active addiction. He's great at getting me to do stuff like taxes, getting the financials together, etc... I've learned over the years, to do things on MY TIME...He has bullied me enough over the years. Tell him you have someone looking over the financials and will get the info to him when it's ready. Step back. Let him ask again, and again. Until YOU are ready.
I don't believe for a second this is what He really wants. This is what his illness wants. He obviously cares about what you think and about his girls since he has made an attempt--albeit a small one--to parent recently.
Let him Go and Let God.
You can do this!
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Just wanted to let you know that what Heather is saying (that I've quoted below) is spot on for my sitch as well. I've had the same pattern from my stbx, so hope this helps you to deal with what your H is doing.
You are doing well - you've come so far. I totally understand your feelings of sadness. We have to keep going through the pain and know that it will get better.
Originally Posted By: LoisB
Are you sure he wants the financials for the D or the tax refund? I never trust when my addict bullies me for some financial info. Also, financial info is the best when it comes to bullying us spouses--you're tired and overwhelmed and working harder than you should be and in a pressure cooker and his disease is going to use that for all it's worth-----to get his own way.
I could give you at least 50 more situations where he was ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY CONVINCED THAT WE WERE DONE. He handed me papers, hired an attorney, did some horrible despicable thing...
A reminder... An alcoholic acts and we react. He's acting again. You don't have to do anything you aren't ready for... Don't do anything to make this easy. Is he simply trying to get YOU to do the work?
My H is a super lazy SOB when he is in active addiction. He's great at getting me to do stuff like taxes, getting the financials together, etc... I've learned over the years, to do things on MY TIME...He has bullied me enough over the years. Tell him you have someone looking over the financials and will get the info to him when it's ready. Step back. Let him ask again, and again. Until YOU are ready.
I don't believe for a second this is what He really wants. This is what his illness wants. He obviously cares about what you think and about his girls since he has made an attempt--albeit a small one--to parent recently.
Urworthy, You are so right and your words helped me so much. I needed to hear it out loud so to speak that even if we went to different MC, he still would have left. It is too easy for me to blame them.
It hard sometimes buying that my husband is in crisis since he is so high functioning. He just got another promotion. I think his promotion also effected my mood. We both have had the same career goals and now I take the safe and comfortable job and he is a rising star in the business. It was OUR dream and now I am watching from the window.
Lois thank you for all your insight. I just need to be reminded how strong the disease is all the time. Like I said above its hard because my H is high functioning and all our peers think he is da bomb. If they only knew, actually the savy ones do kind of get that their is something wrong with him even when I say nothing.
My H definitely wants the financials to finish up this d thing, he said so in the email. Basically because he has a jerk for a lawyer who is robbing him each month that goes by. Unfortunately his lawyer likes to delay things and blame me and my father/lawyer, we have not delayed a thing. My H only filed this april 2012 but had the lawyer on retainer since Sept 2011. Very typical of his behavior is to blame me because the divorce is not final and not himself or his lawyer.
NLW, I love you and feel such a kinship with you in our struggles.
Ladies, your last round of words has revived my spirit, plus I had an amazing day with my girls. I am blessed.
Thank you all for being here
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
