Well Im sitting around feeling sorry for myself today.
I've realized Im quite comfortable in my life now, but I am a little lonely.
What is the best way to handle this?
I guess maybe Im still a little "wobbly" walking on my new single woman legs.
I know what I want in a partner and therefore in a relationship.
Because I know this and am confident in this, I don't feel that I need to go serial dating just hoping to find someone to perfectly fit this part.
I will know when I meet this person. Yet at the same time I don't have the desire to hit the bar scene or go hang out with my younger friends that want to party and chase tail.
However, I guess what Im wondering is if I'll ever meet someone if I continue doing what Im happy with?
I mean in order to meet someone does a person HAVE to go out on the singles scene and prowl around? Be let down from one online dating site to another?
Im just not sure what to do with myself! Not sure if Im just having a tinge of lonliness or if Im really ready to meet someone. I've been lonely for several years, way before the marriage truly ended.
How is it that you'll want to meet somebody if you're not a little lonely?
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However, I guess what Im wondering is if I'll ever meet someone if I continue doing what Im happy with?
I mean in order to meet someone does a person HAVE to go out on the singles scene and prowl around? Be let down from one online dating site to another?
It's my firm belief you'll find somebody while doing what you're happy doing. Going on the prowl will help you find "somebody" not necessarily the person you are happy being with. Why do I say that? Because the person you're going to be happy being with will enjoy some of the same things you do. It's that sharing of some common interests that will make that person interesting to you.
But it never hurts to expand your circles of interest, right? As you do that, you WILL meet somebody you are really interested in sharing your life with.
I think serial dating is more of a way to meet "somebody" vs. a person of true interest. You could meet somebody of true interest that way, but it's not as likely in my experience.
Like you, I've felt that way. I tried the dating and bar scene. Truth is, I enjoy people and the bar scene was fun for that. Kind of like an anthropologist in an amateur fashion. I get a lot of energy from that. I don't do it as much now though, but that's just because life has changed for me and I don't have time. I still enjoy that. But I met a great lady while doing things I like to do. We share several common interests and I enjoy her company. She's a beautiful woman. But I would not have met her on a dating site. I'm not into that and neither is she. In fact, I've met several great ladies that way. I've met a few that didn't work out, but that's ok too. Can't be afraid to try, and the motivator for me was that tinge of loneliness. And the desire to share my life with somebody else.
I think what you describe is very normal, K. Just don't be afraid to expand your social circles a little at a time to see who else is out there. We're not in high school or college, but we still meet people via social activities. They are just not always centered around drinking (bars) or dating sites as adults.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Im guilty of re writing history myself in regards to XH.
You know I've spent alot of time being so hurt, angry, and heart broken over all the horrible ways he's acted, that's all I've been able to see.
As I think about it, I guess that's all XH has really wanted me to see. Monster.
XH really was someone different many years ago, but over the last 8 years or so he's turned into the complete opposite of who I believe he really was.
I guess through all my hurt and anger, and thoughts of complete disgust with XH, I can somewhat identify his MLC Anger. It's like you get so pent up with anger and frustration you really want to take it out on someone just to make you feel better.
But the reality of that is KNOWING BETTER.
I realize that the irrational behaviors I talk about in regards to XH is what he's like NOW. That is who I deal with now.
Once upon a time he wasn't that way. Im going to work to stop demonizing him in my mind. At times he chooses to act like a Demon, but Ok. I know he wasn't always that way.
Im working hard on re wiring my thoughts to keep the flow of positive energy in my life so I can feel joy, happiness, and contentment. So Im going to try and think of a good quality that XH had/has instead of staying bitter and angry at him. I realize it's VERY HARD to re wire your thoughts when you have nothing but DOO DOO thrown at you from every angle. But once the DOO DOO tossing dies down a bit, you can rise from the sewage to shine bright and feel wonderful again.
Hi Kim!! I am amaze at how similar our story is... Here is a quote from AJ That made me laugh but was so appropriate... " It is hard to do the work on ourself when our MLCer won' t shut-up and let us think !! " Once we can back away from them for a bit, we can finally think and make decision based on OUR personnal needs and want... I miss my ex a great deal but i dispie this new guy.. I don' t like the way he treats EVERYONE... I wouldn' t want this new person in my life.. I ratter be on my own or even find someone else... It is easy to let them go when you see what is presented to you at the moment.. My question was " am i willing to wait another year to 5 yrs for him to MAYBE have my true ex back?? " My answer was NO.. I will not endure his cycling and anger anymore.. I am glad you have kept the good memories of your relationship with him.. Those are important in the healing process... We have to forget the bad and save the good.. What is presented to you today is not what you fail in love with and is out of our control.. I like following your story.. You are very bright and down to earth.. Smart kind and amazing... You are doing great....
ETB.... nice hearing from you! And I love what AJ said about the MLCers... if that's not the truth I don't know what is.
I just checked my email. E.T. has emailed home again.
Now Im cracking up. All this email says is "days off are thursday and friay".
What's so funny about this?The last time he emailed me his days off were back in DECEMBER!!
Overnighters were all arranged by himself and the girls. The girls relayed the message, and he knows this!
Im just dying to ask him why the hell he does this. But at the same time Im beginning to enjoy the show and am entertained by what he does.
at any rate.... wanted to say that since he's not barely said one thing to me since December, and WAS QUIET, I've been able to think and get so many things into perspective. BEcause he's left me alone, I no longer feel hatred towards him and have moved into forgiveness towards him alot more.
Im thinking of things on a grander scheme of things and not focusing so much on how I was hurt and all the insane and cruel things he did, but what it can all mean in ways of karma, and soul lessons. It's re ignited me to pick up my quest to learn about spirituality on many different levels.
And now, my attitude is now " Oh. ok. Well He's off doing this now, trying to get his issues and lessons figured out while Im doing the same. Got a feeling we're really not done. Not worried about the outcome, just want to live life and enjoy myself along the way".
Wow. Never thought I'd see the day I'd say and truly feel that.
I get agitated everytime XH emails me, or he's in the driveway for 5 minutes longer than I want him to be, or just by seeing his tire marks in the driveway. His presence can really rattle my cage.
Why, I ask myself? Everything he's going is harmless... at face value it is.
But to me, it's all a matter of trust. Just for me to be civil to the man represents me having to LET MY GUARD DOWN, and if I do that, Im completely vulnerable to getting hurt and burned again.
Honestly whenever I hear from him my inner defenses go off and scream LOOK OUT HE'S GOING TO START THROWING FLAMING ARROWS AGAIN, RUN FOR COVER.
Wow. I've spent every living day since BD trying to just survive this. Now im in the position of thriving, and getting in touch with things much deeper.
That man really did burn me. I've never felt this sort of fear with anyone else not even my step dad.
Hmmmm. Well better dive back into Gary Zukav and see what this all means. I get the fear part, I just want to know how to heal this. It's really hard that with XH I have to act completely opposite of who I am. Im trusting, easy going, and friendly. With him Im very guarded and non trusting, and scared.
It's really hard that with XH I have to act completely opposite of who I am
Hi Kimmerz. Glad to see you're working through some of this. Silence does help, doesn't it?
But I have to ask, do you have to be somebody else? Or just somebody you don't want to be with him? I never recommend to anyone that they be somebody else. For you, the old pattern was to let your guard down with him. The new pattern is to not, due to circumstances.
Zen moment - when you can be you with everyone, you'll be done. Oddly, you are you at this moment. You're you acting like somebody else to protect yourself from the perceived threat.
But I wonder. Is he really a threat to you anymore? Was he really ever a threat to you, or was that your perception of how you needed to be based on his actions?
See, you have been hurt. Deeply. The natural reaction is to fight (or flight of course.) But he's not going to hurt you any longer. Only you can do that now. Him in the driveway too long - you getting "hurt" by that is your reaction. Right?
That's not really letting him be him. Instead, let it truly go. Maybe that's your next focus? To let that one thing go next? Being irritated by his actions is going to keep you stuck. You don't want to be stuck do you?
One thing at a time, let them go. Don't look around to see what's left. Just let them go as they come up. One at a time.
You are reaching a good place K. You're seeing glimpses of letting go of the anger and hurt. Don't stop now, girl!
Being guarded is not a problem. It is who you are. But it is not all you are. Not by a long shot. It's just a small piece of you and how you feel you need to be with somebody that hurt you. Now take it the next step and let go of those pieces. He can't do anything to hurt you anymore and your logical mind knows that.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Kimmerz, AJ's posting is very much spot on for your situation. Your xh can't hurt you any more. You've been hurt very badly and it will take some time to heal.
As for your xh, I do have another thought on some of his behavior, but I don't want you to focus constantly on what I'm about to share. Your xh is most likely coming to terms w/the divorce and sits in the driveway and looks at the home he no longer lives in. He's thinking about what he's done and he sees his home, his wife and his children are still living there, but he's not.
As for the texting, it is his way of keeping a single string attached to his past, nothing more. It's not being done to aggravate you at all.
As your new life unfolds, these little things will eventually go away and you will no longer feel aggravated by them. It takes a lot of time to get there, so fill up on positive energy and put the car in drive and let's go!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've been in deep thought the past few days. Thanks so much for your insights I appreciate them.
AJ your post helped me to challenge myself in letting my guard DOWN and really thinking over what you said.
What I've come to realize is that a good portion of my frustration through all of this has been me fighting myself on so many different levels. All because of fear and doubt.
I too suffer from Feral Cat Sydrome.
I think my relationship autopsy is nearing completion. Tonight I was able to go back about 8 years ago and really remember the start of the demise of our relationship. He and I were both guilty as charged for not admiring or appreciating one another. Of course hindsight being 20/20 I can see how it could've been turned around, but also with total acceptance of how XH copes and deals with emotions and conflict, there was no way I could penetrate that passive aggression.
As I look back the one message I kept getting between the line from Xh over the last two years is " Your admiration is still important to me. Im still trying to get it".
Im wondering if his random emails are attempts to try and get that.
However, a problem I have. I don't mind giving credit when credit is due, but for the longest time it seems to be a one way street with him. He strives for attention and accolades, but can not return compliments.
At any rate Im surrendering to God. I've prayed for his help every step of the way yet am now realizing how I've fought him all along by not listening to the messages he's giving me.
We often ask God for help. We give him our problems, and later take them back as if He is not capable of handling them as we would want them done. But it takes a lot to see that and really know that.
It takes a lot to be able to admit any wrong doing on our part. I've struggled with it as well. None of us is perfect, K. None of us.
I have spent a lot of effort to not try and put myself as better than my ex. It's hard. But honestly, there but for the grace of God go I. She's human. I'm human. We're all susceptible to making mistakes. It's part of being human. I struggle with her sudden change in personality and hatred. But then I remember that there is more to it, even if I don't know the "more" part of it. I struggle when she sends me condescending emails. As if she is trying to stay connected. Every cell in my body wants to scream out, "leave me alone!" And I remember none of us is perfect. None of us is better. And I refrain from calling names or, anymore, responding.
It's a tough road, m'dear. But coming to terms with it is the first step, and you are making great strides. You likely aren't wrong, that he wants your "approval" in some twisted way. But what's more important is what you want at this point. He'll have to change to get what he wants/needs. He may not be able to get it from you, but he'll only learn to change if he needs to. If what he's doing doesn't work for you, you'll need to stand firm and then it's up to him to adjust to that or not.
As you surrender to God the things you don't understand and cannot control, remember that you gave them to Him. Let Him do with it what he will and be glad he does
I'm with ya, sister!
Peace,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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