I guess he is not in a R with ow....maybe not the fantasy world h thought it would be. Plus, h seems to still have a tie to you, or I should say wants a tie to you. They are so goofy...it's not a fun game there playing but to them it's not a game.
ya know - i feel like to him IT IS a game. he's tra-laing along jacking me and my life allover creation - and he's going along with his social life- his tennis - his computer- allll his correspondence- phone calls - probably stinking constant contact with ow - i honestly think to him it's all a big ole fun game.
i agree tho, what i'm doing here i do not know (in his brain) and i wonder if he thinks i'm going to clean - or move my junk out more or what???? sadly- instead of my usual old-time positive spin on things in life- when it comes to him- all bad spin. I see everything with suspicion- even go9od stuff - i think he's using me for a stupid old jerk here.
he acts like old times - he's more affectionate (of course - he was such a mean, critical COLD creep for so long - it's hard to imagine being less affectionate). i do notice the good things- i just wonder wtf??? i don't think he even thinks i have or deserve to have feelings- he thinks i'm a stupid idiot and have all this LOOOOOVEEE . boy, little does he know (or care) what's really bubbling around in my head and heart. this morning i don't care one darn bit about him and view him as merely a very very bad addiction/habit that i need to kick - that has some "remembered good feeling" attached somewhere in memory- but is killing me. much like a giant cigarette with feet - HEY- my new mental image of him- giant cigarette butt with feet & face.
this not really knowing is the bad thing. i care less - but it does still hurt a bit to know it all. it still is treason & gives me pause for thought. then i wonder if it's killed love and that is that. i am taking one day at a time, etc.
i can't get the thread of what i'm trying to say here- i don't want THIS life forever - knowing he's all in contact with ow - and of course - sex. i don't care if it is infrequent- it's there- it's his "new life" - if it's important to him- i hate it. if it's someone not me- then it's bad for me. i know- patience. sometimes tho i wonder for what? no getting around that bit.
i understand the spiel that perhaps it could be a new type of relationship- if we've both changed. i don't see this guy ever ever ever being able to change himself - his location- his old self/life - looking at him sometimes i realize he can only be that old time guy he was - he is not at all out of the box or maybe able to think out of his box when it comes to his life. tennis - computer - tennis - computer - tv - booooorrrrrrring....
additionally- i've probably said this (a million times) al ready- if he keeps her and contact so spaced out- it will be "new" forever. who gets tired of cake onece every few weeks or month- no one.
okay- that was all my negative JUNK and now it's out- i'm doine giving it airtime today. played with 4 yr old yesterday and it was nice to see her.
she was telling me in the car that her mommy has a picture of my house with a red car in front of it in her phone(!!??) i asked who was in it and she said jacka_s. nice huh? everyone in the world but me is spying on him when i'm away - oh well. i didn't freak out and i'm trying not to dwell on it - i know he sees her down here and i know she comes here. (who knows who else?) and yes, i could kill them both with poisonous gas (i don't really want to touch them or wie3ld a weapon).
I AM near the beach - only 1 mile. could walk in 15 min or so. i don't usually- just forget it's there - like everyone else down here. that's the sad part. i used to love it too- still do sometimes - but i just forget in day to day life- we go to work & do all the junk everyone does and hanging at the beach just stops being a part of it - unlike vacation or a trip.
they've installed new parking and it's a pain - need a credit card or pass to use it- then you need to have somewhere to stash that (can't leave bag unattended on beach really) - so little complications. nothing i couldn't overcome- just an additional bother from days when i could just drive over anytime and park my car & enjoy. time marches on - huh?
h never liked the beach- only goes under duress - what a spoil sport he is really when it's not his sport.
i've never seen him play tennis- now-a-days i veiw his always need to have "separate" parts of his life as somethign that maybe i don't want to have in my life anymore. i'm tired of his need to make believe he's all mr independent and hugely detrimenta. i never thought about it all either way. i've always enjoyed my privacy and own thoughts - and activities.
if all he uses them for is to cheat and be a jerk- wtf. i always assume people are like me- i am WRONG as can be.
see - that's the thing - i'm just beginning to view him as a selfish jerk that might not "be my type" - can you imagiene? after allllll these eyars of thinking he's my soul mate- all of a sudden i'm seeing him with new eyes and thinking maybe i shouldn't even be getting to know him. if i met him at the office and knew allllll about him and THIS mess of a life- i'd never ever get to know him or give him airtime.
i'm not blue or icky- i'm going to go sew and that is an amazing thing- the desire to do something i enjoy and just do it. oh well
crazy morning- you're nice to listen & care- it sounds kind of calm around your house too.
we missed all the snow- oh well- next year maybe. i'm longing for a white world like you and the sun - always want what we can't have huh??
glad your s and his sitch are distracting you- it's a good thing to get immersed in something other than our messy little lives.
i honestly don't know how you stand it- i think if i had ow sitch in my face - rite in my face every day with h going there- i'd feel exctly like you. it's BIg tho, finding a new place - moving into it- all that stuff. i'm sooo lazy- it's all my 'STUFF' that keeps me here- thinking of mobving it seems like a nightmare. i guess one day i'll jsut do it because i have to....
anyway- you're sounding philosophical and chilled - i thought for one brief moment in time your not-h had turned around somewhat- i am still hopeful somehow- don 't know how or why- sooooo
soooo - after ALLLLL THIS TIME - AND ALLLLLL OUR CHATS - here we are - YOU AND I with our respective lites on - with us just sitting there in our towers - feet up- new magazine & glass of wine - no particular lookout for any particular little dinghy with a lunatic in it pulling up to our rocky little beach - dum de dum.......
some days i wonder what we'll both be saying to each other in a few years - maybe how wonderful our gardens are going to be this season- how happy we feel - how lucky we feel - etc.
hhhhheeeelllllooooooo pollyanna.....
i feel way more philosophical about thinking i wasted my life- i at at point of thinking it was perfectly good til it went bad- and letting it go at that. so, that's something- rite???
have a good day- need to comb this mess of a head and get dressed & and go have a good day...
flea market- cool but sunny- find a treasure??? dye my hair - visit his dad this afternoon & supper - watch downton abbey later- fit in baby somewhere in this day- etc.
