Soul.Searching my way back.

[Soul.Searching]

It's a strange world. I'm going on 30 and it feels like in a strange way, I've only recently lost my innocence. I had no idea about that deep, dark scary place. I had not felt that deep hurt, the hurt right down to the core. I had never felt quite so alone, even with people all around me.
I feel that even if I am fortunate enough to find someone that it won't be the same innocent love. H was my world, along with my kids of course.
I don't imagine I could let another man be my world ever again.

I feel that the wall around me, will never completely come down. That at least just a little is indistructable.

I've been told over and over by many people over the years about how much crap I have taken by H. About how I did too much for him, how I was a doormat.
I've seen the shocked and discust of others at the the way he has treated me/ things he has said.
H says now that most of the time, no one seen how bad I was because it was always behind closed doors. I did tend to wait, to tell him how much it hurt, how it was wrong.
I'm finding I'm doubting myself lately. Is H right? Did I cause all of this? Maybe I clung too tightly? Maybe I did hurt him?
I'm fighting myself today. I don't like it.