Soul.Searching my way back.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Bug, No I don't see a IC. I did but I used my free sessions and can't afford more right now. There's no support groups close by either, I looked.

It's just so hard not to take it personally. I mean maybe I somehow made him like that? Maybe it was me all along? Maybe I just didn't try hard enough? Maybe I deserved it.

Deep down, I think I know none of that is true but maybe it is, maybe I just don't want to admit it to myself? I mean there were many signs over the last two years, signs of A and WAW but I didn't want to see them. I made excuses to myself that I was wrong, that I should trust him because he didn't lie about the big things.

I made excuses for a lot of things H did and in someway I felt responsible for what he said/ did.

Thinking back now, his anger was still there pretty early on in our R but it wasent directed at me. I don't really recall it being directed at me until I fell pregnant.

That was when he started being argesive towards me.

I was pregnant and then we married.
We quit pot when I found out I was pregnant. He didn't have to but chose to.
People seen his ring and used to tell him he looked way to young to be married.
He had to work for the first time in years.
I started having anxiety attacks that lasted for a few months. ( Not the attacks but the period in which I had them.) I used to call H, just talking to him would help and he was pretty good but he never did understand. I think he seen me as weak.
I changed and grew, I had a baby inside of me. It was up to me to change and stop being a child, not thinking about concerquences.

Something in amoungst that seems to have been a huge trigger for him. He became very angry and bitter.

I just don't understand how he can have so much anger towards me, especially now. I feel that he hates me. I don't hate him. I love him. I strongly dislike him a lot lately but I don't hate him. I can't see ever hating him. I think I will always love him but I expect that love will probably change in some sense.
It has already started but it seems to try to pop it's head every time I see him.
I have noticed that I don't really look at him much these days.
I mean I look at him but its like I don't really see him.
I suspect that's a coping mechanism of some sorts.

I think mostly not it is my ego that is hurting.
It hurts when he tells me he is out doing fun things with my kids as a family with OW and her kids. I feel jealous and hurt.

I feel he wants me to be a bitch to him, that it somehow makes it easier on him. He is painting me as a bitch, even when I'm letting him have the kids on my weekend. I feel he was struggling to rewrite history before but he can do it easily now.

I'm just so confused right now.