The stuff with your friend is tough, it really does mess with your PMA. I struggle with this b/c my ex-gf and I have one mutual friend (though my friend first and longer so I pray she isn't a double agent since sandi2 has a point about stuff in writing getting into the wrong hands) and she has tons of friends/family around here and some have told me stuff and some have painted me as a monster to her. If you want to talk about it with ppl you know outside of the forum make sure they are completely on your side about how DBing works, the rest, just ignore and politely tell you don't want to discuss it with them.
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6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
As far as feeling taken advantage of, it's a bad feeling and I know that one too. If you can step back and see what she contributed to the R over the years it helps calm your nerves b/c while it might not be financial in nature there could have been other contributions.
The revenge attitude...yep, I've had that too. Like now, ex-gf is working two jobs, all day most days, 6-7 days/week, hardly seeing her kids, and strapped for cash. There's this part of me that's going "great, now you see how I felt paying for everything, working 60+ hours/week while you were SAHM, and why I got so angry when the little time I had off work you didn't want to do anything with me" but it's not the right attitude. I'm refocusing in a DB manner.
What I mean is that if you have that angry attitude your interactions with your W will show it. Instead, think of it as natural consequences. Your W made a choice and will have to face that choice but it's what she's decided in pursuit of her happiness. Support her decision and perhaps ask her to have a talk about how you two need to start figuring out the finances/living situation/etc as she pursues that happiness. Not in an angry way, just a "this is business/this is reality/I'm not going to stop you" kind of way. Have that adult-to-adult conversation AnotherStander is always talking about.
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23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
The text...yes, all anger but as others have pointed out, anger is a mask for other emotions. Also, being angry at a situation and taking it out on your SO is not uncommon. In society we have to keep our cool so much, stay in control so much, put on a mask of no anger that we end up taking our anger out on our SO b/c they are the closest target. Our SO is the one we are supposed to be able to share anything with and we also know all the ways to hurt them at their core and that release (venting) feels so good for a micro-second. "Misery loves company."
In DB it's called the stranger standard. Treat our SO at least as well as we would treat a stranger.
I've also read a book that talks about a "self esteem bank account". If you have between $0-$10 in your bank account at any given time your self esteem reflects that. If you're at $10 you're at your happiest. If you're at $0 you're suicidal. So if you're at $4 and your SO is at $6, you'll temporarily feel better if you rob them of $3. Really, you're better off working on putting some savings in your own bank account.
Go to the 5LL and it's about your love tank. You can either try to bring your SO down to make yourself feel better or work on filling their love tank and most people will start to fill your tank in return.
Lastly, you might like the book Anger Busting 101 It's all about getting your anger under control in quick, effective ways and it's geared towards saving marriages.
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I know we've gone back and forth a bit on my thread SP. I wish you the best. Remember, always ask yourself, "is what I'm about to do going to take me closer to my goal or further away?" or "would I rather be right or happily married?"
