Thank you for the support. I am overwhelmed and sad and angry and worried. I am trying very hard to detach. I am putting up my boundaries and H called me 'controlling'. the kids are doing pretty well most of the time...it helps that H didn't spend much time with them since he was on the computer ignoring them so frequently. Other times they are very emotional. Telling our 5yrold S did not go well. H said--I don't know what to say. 8yrold S said--do you want me to tell him Daddy? And H said--no I will do it. I am leaving. S5 said--okay daddy see you later. And then H said--no I am not going to live here anymore. S5 turned to me choking back tears and said--I love you Mommy...and I realized he thought I was leaving too. I said I am staying, I am not leaving you and your brother are staying with me here. He was holding back tears so I hugged him and said let it out. H said--I wish I could record this--you are making this so much worse than it is, why does this have to be so DARK. like minimizing what the kids and I were feeling. He accused me of making things overly dramatic as he watched the 3 of us crying.
Went to the counselor today to talk about the kids (we had the appt scheduled) Therapist said that he was impressed with how I was handling things with kids and individually. was nice to hear some positive affirmation. Said that H had a lot to work on. And that he had to accept all of our emotions, the Sh*t storm that he caused, and stop insulting me.
It is so complicated because of course he wants to see the kids and the kids do not yet want to be on their own with him. they understandably feel betrayed. So I am with him too and I hate it. But it's for the kids. We had dinner tonight and tomorrow we are taking the boys to a birthday party. Then he won't see them until Weds. I need the break.
We are going forward with the divorce. I have a lawyer. So does he. I do not want a divorce. But I have to go forward. I don't feel much hope for reconciliation, he is absolutely sure that he wants the divorce, and it is in my best interests to go through with it now. It's over.
I am not sure even what to do now. I understand detach. let him figure it out. I have a very active life, independent from him...which now will be limited because I am going to be on my own with the kids.
