Today after a lengthy conversation with my W about life in general and challenges we all face, I finally got up the courage after nearly a year and a half, to ask about the big "us". I had no expectations other than I needed to put this issue to bed one way or the other so that I can get on with my life.
First some background:
My W dropped the bomb back in September 2011. She said all the familiar things about being done, not being happy, never been happy, I'm the worst H, father, etc. She had a near nervous breakdown about a month later and I moved out. I later learned that she had been having an EA that turned physical after her bomb and to my knowledge ended months ago.
In late January she had a severe health crisis that nearly took her life. I helped nurse her back to health. Then around the April/May time frame, she ran a red light and t-boned another car. Again I was called upon to help her, which I did.
In the late summer she had a blow up with her elderly father while on a visit to see her family. She called me, very distraught and we talked through the problem and she was able to work things out with her father before it was too late. About that time I landed a consulting gig up in Maine and was pretty dim for about 3-4 months.
While I was away, my W turned 50 which is a huge milestone for most but especially for her. During weekend visits home from Maine, we'd often do things together as a family and when it was time for me to head on out, she would always give me a hug goodbye. Thanksgiving and Christmas were spent together as a family though no significant presents were exchanged. One thing that I thought at the time was HUGE was that she attended Christmas eve candlelight service with me and the boys. The previous year, she could barely bring herself to look at me.
Recently, she has been posting occasionally to my facebook page whenever she saw something she liked, (a photo, comment, etc.). A couple of weeks ago she sent me a text message about how well her most recent cardiologist check-up had gone. Apparently, she has recovered near 100% and we were both surprised considering her odds from a year ago. During the text exchange, I asked her about the other part of her heart, "emotional/relationship". Her response was, "getting better".
So now, back to the big "us"....
When I asked her about "us" her immediate response was that her feelings hadn't changed. I told her that I can't remain in limbo indefinitely. I told her that I had always been willing to do whatever it took to get our M back on track and that my biggest regret was having her get to a point where she felt she had to exit.
I told her that I want what is best for the boys and she agreed. She started crying. Said she is sorry for hurting me. I told her that for my heart to heal, I can no longer be the go to person in her life. That I will do whatever I need to do for the sake of the kids but it is time for me to move on. I can't see myself being in limbo for yet another Christmas.
I also told her that I really struggle with helping to get the house in a condition to sell. I said it felt like being handed a shovel and being told to dig my own grave. She nodded in understanding.
She said that if I wanted she would do the research on how to wrap things up as quickly and painlessly as possible.
And that was that. I told her I needed to leave and I'd see her later. After leaving, I felt emotions well up in me like during the time of the initial bomb, but it was fleeting. Sort of like I have some scar tissue on my heart and while it hurts, it doesn't hurt quite the same as before. That being said, all afternoon, Bonnie Raitt's "I can't make you love me" has been running to my head and it makes me very sad.
So anyway, this is where I'm at folks. I spent the past 17 months working on myself and trying to repair my relationship with my W. She had been sending signals that made me think perhaps she was willing to reconsider. But I guess it was a false alarm. The bottom line for me though is that I put up a good fight, made the effort and the sacrifice, but at the end of the day, it was too little, too late.
So onward I go, anxious to see what the tide will wash into my life in the months ahead. Time will tell.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
