Is this MLC or WAS? Don't know what to do...

[BrightFuture]

I went to my accountant yesterday to drop off the stuff for taxes. She told me that it was something different about me. I told her that my hair was a little different, darker. She said that if it is my hair, then it makes me look younger. It gave me some hope that my internal changes do make a difference, also in my appearance.

[Lampstand]

BF,

You are so right about that. I already feel calmer and more focused. And less testy with my children. I actually am able to get things done because I'm not hanging around the computer to see when he logs in.

I'm really thinking about how I want my life to be and what kind of W I want to be. I actually don't think our M is over. But we both need space and I should really being enjoying this time instead of being panicky about everything.

[Lampstand]

BF,

Thanks for reminding us about baby steps. I'm a horribly b&w person and tend to only deal in absolutes so the philosophy of small changes is new to me.

But it should be less stressful because now I know I don't have to do everything all at once.

[BrightFuture]

Our friends from that little town where my H’s been staying now are urging us to talk. Actually they are asking me if it would good for us to talk about our M. I told them that I would not initiate the conversation. But, if H wants to talk, I will listen. I think they are interacting with him over there and making their assumptions. The male friend told me that he doesn’t understand why we broke up. I reminded him about what H told him – he doesn’t want arguing. But, the friend said that it just seems kind of silly. They know both of us and they always thought that we had a great M.

I’ve been doing so well with NC and GAL. This kind of comments set me back a little. I started thinking and over analyzing everything again.

[tori2012]

BF, it's okay to think and analyze, as long as it doesn't paralyze you. What have you learn and what are you learning now? If your H wants to initiate a M talk, what would you say? Being prepared counts for a lot. At the same time, the LRT says no R talk, so if this is what you're doing ( and I think it is) it might be best to avoid the talk, but that doesn't mean you can't do a self-talk. See what I mean?

[mum2three]

Dear Bright Future, I wish I coud offer some helpful advice. It must be hard to GAL and detach when your husband is no longer around but I think you have wide open channels of communication through your mutual friends. I suppose this could be dangerous as it is not only second guessing but also involves 'chinese whispers' (do you play this game in the US?). The advantages are that if you do GAL and appear happy and sorted then this will find its way back to him..Not that that is why we are doing this of course! Stay strong. I found one really essential piece of advice in The Dance of Anger! When you are focused on one relationship and feeling negative take some time to confront another relationship or with some other part of your life that might be the real problem. Focus on something else for some time and find your neediness and dependency on your DH lessen.
This really really works for me. I woke up early feeling negative but just writing to you and focusing on you has helped me feel better and less abandoned in my marriage.

[BrightFuture]

Tori, thanks for your insights. I think I would be prepared to handle M talk, but only about the issues. I don’t think I‘m ready to handle any kind of potential R talk. I’m not hurting any more, just feel sad sometimes. I can see more clearly now that our marriage issues were not only my fault. H has his 50% in it, and I don’t think he fully realizes that. He admitted that he contributed to our issues, but he doesn’t think that by fixing the issues on both sides can actually bring the M on the right truck. He is convinced that he needs to start fresh and find himself a different partner, who will be different from me. Unfortunately, he will have to go though the discovery before he can decide whether this path is going to work for him or not.

mum2three, thanks for checking on me. Actually, it is not hard to detach and GAL when H is not here. I think I’ve kind of used to it now. Even his stiff (clothes, etc.) is not bothering me anymore. I have my moments when I want to know what he is doing and I try to prop my friends for some information. But, it is getting better every day. I’ve just sent my girlfriend over there an e-mail, and I didn’t even mention my H or anything related to him.

You are right, focusing on other relationship in my life is the best thing now. It is amazing that you wrote this, because I was actually thinking about it recently. Thanks for your advice. I will check out your post too.

[tori2012]

BF, you said, "He is convinced that he needs to start fresh and find himself a different partner, who will be different from me. Unfortunately, he will have to go though the discovery before he can decide whether this path is going to work for him or not."

I could be writing this about my own sitch! It's amazing how the WAS's say the same stuff to us. I'll definitely include a chapter about the WAS logic when I write my D book.

Hang in there. It's really hard, but I see how things are a little better for you. And it's OK if you feel bad again for a while. Just give yourself time.

[BrightFuture]

Well, I was not posting for a while. There was long silence in my sitch. Last time I spoke with my H was about one month ago, when I called him to wish him happy birthday. There was no communication since then. I’ve been having some good days and some bad days. Some days I think that it is done and need to start the official paperwork. But sometimes I think that I’m having a bad dream and when I wake up everything will be back to normal. I’m kind of in a frozen state right now. It is hard to make myself to complete even the simplest tasks. I just have no motivation to do anything. My GAL is sporadic. I just don’t have any energy.

This morning I had a very bad migraine. My head was in a fog. The phone rang I saw my H’s number. I contemplated for a second whether to pick it up, since I was not feeling good. I picked it up and tried to compose myself as much as I could. We had a short conversation. He told me that he was trying to renew his trusted traveler pass and they denied it to him, since he didn’t have enough documentation. He said that he has another interview in April and he will need to collect the documents eventually. He asked me if I already did taxes. I said no, and he asked if I needed help. I said no. He asked me if everything was going ok, and I said yes, I’m doing good. Then he asked if we (my son and his friends) are coming next weekend for the event that is going on at our vacation place. I said we are. He told me that he is making the arrangements to stay somewhere else, so I and my son with friends could stay in our condo. I thanked him for that. He asked me if I’m bringing our dog, and told me that I will need to bring some food for him. I asked him if he needs me to bring anything and he named a couple of items that he needs. He also told me that he used our debit card and gave me a couple of charges, so I could record them in the check book. He also asked which account he could use to withdraw some cash. At the end he said “see you next week”. It sounded just like in old times, normal conversation…

After we finished, I felt sad. I’m still in a limbo. There is no conversation about D or even about splitting the accounts, expenses, business, credit cards, etc. He hasn’t moved his stuff out of the house here. He is living in our vacation place condo. He hasn’t moved my stuff out of the vacation home. He is not working, and probably will not have a job until April or May (his job is seasonal.) It seems that he is pretty happy where he is at the moment. That was his plan from the beginning – to have everything joint, no D for now, and just to be friends.

I still don’t know what to do…

[BrightFuture]

Forgot to mention, in the phone conversation he said to have a good trip and to drive careful next week. This is something he didn’t tell me before. Baby steps?