Out of the abyss

[lionhrt]

thanks for the support Wendylon.

I am starting to wonder re the crying. It is getting less (just tearful now rather than full sobbing) and I do wonder how to react to this.

I am trying very hard not to be pursuing in anyway but I wonder if that is making me come accross as cold. Should I go to hug her when she is like this?

We had a spell where she initiated the hugs and even a kiss, followed by more upbeat txts with smiley faces and kisses but then she pulled right back these last few weeks. It is since the xmas episode when she withdrew her invitation for xmas dinner.

I am trying not get drawn into that dynamic as deep down I suppose it did build my hopes up and I need to protect myself.
I hit the ground hard when she did pull back.

Part of what has been on my mind since is related to xmas as I did wonder that her not wanting the kids xmas morning meant she would spend it with OM and have the kids in the afternoon. IDK, but I don't know of any mother that would not want to spend xmas morning with her kids.....and she was very keen for me to have them xmas eve into xmas morning....which did work for me but the thought of PA is like a cloud that keeps coming over.

When I am at work, doing my GAL things or with S I don't think about it. But when I have a quiet moment it comes flooding back if that makes sense.

and the frustrating thing is I know I should not be focussing on her or any of what I have just typed...but I am noticing a pattern where I have 2-3 weeks good and a week of this!!!

Just need to keep going as you say.

Thanks for the support

[AnotherStander]

I am starting to wonder re the crying. It is getting less (just tearful now rather than full sobbing) and I do wonder how to react to this.

I am trying very hard not to be pursuing in anyway but I wonder if that is making me come accross as cold. Should I go to hug her when she is like this?

I would say 'yes' to that. Do it and see how she reacts, that will tell you whether to keep doing it in the future. I don't think that would be pursuit, you're just offering her some comfort.

We had a spell where she initiated the hugs and even a kiss, followed by more upbeat txts with smiley faces and kisses but then she pulled right back these last few weeks. It is since the xmas episode when she withdrew her invitation for xmas dinner.

I am trying not get drawn into that dynamic as deep down I suppose it did build my hopes up and I need to protect myself.
I hit the ground hard when she did pull back.

Here's something Accuray posted that I copied to a file on my computer and read now and then as a reminder:

Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.

It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier.

[lionhrt]

Thanks AS. I will try a hug and see how she reacts. And the post by accuracy is v useful and couldn't be more true. This is a tough one but I will keep working at it. The main thing that also caught me out was her being nice so quickly. It was almost immediately after she moved out.

Congratulations on ur sitch by the way and sounds like u have had some major progress. I guess u r in piecing now?

[lionhrt]

just an update.

Things continuing pretty much as they were. Sitch is now getting very comfortable. As soon as I turn up W puts the kettle on to make us a drink and we have a good talk. Again, general stuff nothing too heavy. Last Monday when I dropped S off she seemed glad of the company and we sat and talked for a while.

W did say she is starting to struggle a bit financially. That she miscalculated her benefits with regard to her housing benefit allowance. Basically they will only allow her an allowance for 2 people living at her house (eldest S who is away at University does not qualify) which left her £100 p/mth worse off than she thought. She also complained that bills were too high etc etc etc as its a much bigger house than ours.

I tried to explain this to her when she asked me to be guarantor and i refused because I could not afford to bail her out if she got in trouble. This is well documented in my previous threads and resulted in the e-mail from W!

She did not ask for money but the house (especially given her benefits) is extravagant. It means she now has to pay about £300 p/mth out of her other benefit money to just pay the rent as her housing allowance no where near covers it. The rent is £250 a mth more than the mortgage on our place.

I am in 2 minds whether to offer to help so could do with some advice on this. I can't really afford to as I am paying our marital debts off (which is going very well and should be clear in about 12 months) but it is a massive burden on my income.

I am also glad son is comfortable there and don't want him to go through the upheavel of having to move again if it comes to that. But I also think he still has a good home at my place and he spends all weekend here anyway. Maybe I need to leave her to it for now.

W seemed a bit lost this evening when I picked S up. She hung around outside saying she feels like she had forgotten something when me and S got in car. I said I don't think so and we will be okay if she had forgotten anything. Wished her a good weekend and I would see her on Monday.

She text me in the week to see if she could pick up a stop smoking DVD and exercise DVD from my place whilst I was at work. Looks like my non smoking is wearing off on her . I text back saying no problem and good luck with the smoking. Again, could use some advice re her still having a key etc to the house. I still think of it as our house (technically it is as she is still named on the mortgage) but have read some posts where the LBS feels the WAW should not have free reign to come and go as they please. I am comfortable with the arrangement at the moment as W still always ask before she comes to the house if she knows I am not in.

I am doing okay in general. Working a bit too hard again so need to address this as have felt v tired this week (long hours again!) and not left much space for me time.

[Wendylon]

Rkyfat, I don't think you should offer to help her financially at this point. Let her feel the downsides of being S.

If you're happy with her asking before she goes to the house, then I see no reason for changing that now. In time, you may want to give her more of an idea of what a prolonged S could turn into: you not wanting her to have such free access to your house.

Well done on reducing the marital debt!

Hope you and S12 have a nice weekend.

[ForeverYoung]

Hey rky, I'm glad to hear you are doing well.

I agree with Wendy, don't offer to help with her rent. You told her up front you couldn't afford to do so. Besides, you're already helping both of you by paying down the marital debt.

If she asks for help, explain that you have this great place that she is more than welcome to move into.

I see no problem with her having the key to your joint house, as long as you are comfortable with the way access is being handled. You can always set boundaries/rules at any time in the future should you decide it necessary.

Great job on kicking the smokes, don't go back now, what ever you do.

[lionhrt]

Thanks FR and Wendylon. This is what I feared hence not being guarantor on her property.

Re 'having this great place she is more than welcome to move into', she hates coming to the house and avoids it unless she has to. When eldest S is at home from Uni and she picks him up/drops him off she will just drive off quickly. She has said that she can't face coming into the M home, it is too hard for her. It is rare she asks to come over and it is always to pick something up.

Is this common for WAW/MLCer?

not sure! Her desire to 'escape' as she put it when she lived here was unbelievable to the point the last few weeks she only slept here and would go to any extent to be out even when I was out work.

[ForeverYoung]

Re 'having this great place she is more than welcome to move into', she hates coming to the house and avoids it unless she has to. When eldest S is at home from Uni and she picks him up/drops him off she will just drive off quickly. She has said that she can't face coming into the M home, it is too hard for her. It is rare she asks to come over and it is always to pick something up.

Is this common for WAW/MLCer?

not sure! Her desire to 'escape' as she put it when she lived here was unbelievable to the point the last few weeks she only slept here and would go to any extent to be out even when I was out work.

Ok, I did not know that. It sounds like your W is still very much in the run away mode, and the M home only brings up memories of everything she is running from. You definitely don't want to put any pressure on her regarding this.

I would try to make the home as welcoming to her as I could. Are there any things you would like to change, spruce up or remodel? Are you unable or opposed to moving to a different house entirely? I don't suggest doing any of this to win her back, but if you would like the change for yourself, I see no harm in doing it. It may help her ease into the new life she is searching for. Just my thoughts.

[lionhrt]

Thanks FY,

re moving I did think about this but wanted to keep a familiar base for S and i am not financially able to move just yet. However, it is something I would like to do once the M debts are clear and is one of my own personal aims/goals. There are too many memories her for me too so it is definately on my agenda.

Again reading one of Sandis earlier posts on my 1st thread she stated that she will be fighting for her happiness. I have wondered if S with special needs, this house, the debt we were in was the trigger for all this and I became the fall guy. Not excusing my own behaviours of course and I am definately changing for the better.

In the meantime I am doing work on the house but still part way through a major clear out before I start the decorating etc.

[Wendylon]

I remember that when H had his full blown EA-PA, 8-9 years ago, I definitely got the sense that he associated our home life and me with S13's special needs. Someone had to watch S all the time and we either had help or one of us was on duty so to speak. Even if we had someone else with S, we still had to engage with that person and guide her/him. His A gave him a break from all the caring of S and the dealing with his carers and our local education authority.

When H eventually chose us over OW (now more than eight years ago), I deliberately took on all, and I really mean all, S13's care (then S5) so that our household wasn't about chores and responsibilities for him. I admit that then I was completely focused on S5 and his home programme and assumed that everyone else in the family--especially H--was as motivated as I was to make sure S13 got the best possible teaching. It was all-consuming for me. I know that H loves S13 too but he wasn't as driven as I was.

One of the reasons that I can't imagine being with an OM is precisely because I can't imagine being with someone who isn't devoted to S13. It didn't work like that for my H somehow in that on the contrary he needed a break from S and all the issues. Or maybe, it did work the same way in the end since he didn't stay with OW..

It would make complete sense for your W to want to escape all that goes with special needs, house issues and debt and to make you the fall guy since obviously you'd be associated with all those other areas of stress.

FY's idea of you moving or making your current house as welcoming as possible is great. I'm sure that you doing work on the house is positive whether you stay there for a bit or move on.