EXPERIMENTING with physical touch with W

[SM34]

25 I would like to discuss some things with you regarding what you wrote. But first I would like to say please don't feel like I am not detaching enough. I am working on that.

I believe you are a VERY intelligent person and as I have gotten to know how you think, I can say I am very impressed with your knowledge and your ability to reason. For that reason, I would like to expand on some of the points you made. Also as a type of therapy session for me =)

I believe my W is very confused and is very naiive. I say this "from a place of love and respect" for her, not in a way of looking down on her or disrespectfully. My W is the sweetest most loving person I have met, and I was lucky to be able to scoop her up when she was 17. As her mother always says, she has lived a very privileged life since then, and again I say this from a place of love, not to try to toot my own horn.

So basically she really hasn't had any experience with the lies and deceitful ways that horny single guys can have, she believes OM has good intentions. One of her best friends is a 37 year old never married, never had a long relationship woman. She has never found a decent guy, and every one of them cheats on her, or somehow disrespects her. She was shocked and told my W that she needs to try very very hard to work it out with me, because good loyal men are in short supply, especially when you get into the 30 something category because all will have kids and baggage from previous relationships that only complicate things.

So, from a place of love, and in the true spirit of being the lighthouse for my wife, that is kind of why I have left her to learn this lesson her own. I'm constantly getting advise from people that I should have the divorce documents ready in hand, or boot her out, and how can I let her do this. Honestly it is a little frustrating because I come here to get level headed, loving advise from people such as yourself, and also a man's perspective (like GH31) who has been successful. When someone jumps in and starts judging me and how my self esteem must be so low it is SO frustrating.

As I said before, and you and many others pointed out that all this stuff doesn't help me in my current sitch, I have a lot of good qualities. I have a double bachelors in Computer Science and Engineering. I finished most of my MBA. I run two businesses, about to be three. My only brother, and my father are also business owners. I come from a long line of smart successful people. So basically I know I can move on, and I know that if need be, someone else will appreciate those things. But I also know my W, and I believe she is confused...very very confused.

Of course we have our issues, and of course I have flaws that need working on, but so does everyone. I could have been a WAS and W could be the LBS if I wasn't as loyal as I am. You can probably relate because you know you put up with some bad qualities in your husband (as does everyone) but he let your faults pull him away from you. If your loyalty wasn't as strong, it could have been the reverse.

I believe everyone is entitled or allowed ONE mistake in life. And if we truly love our spouse, we should be willing to let them make the mistake, and hope that by learning from it that it will make them stronger and in turn our marriage stronger.

I'm not in the camp that supports shaming my W back to the marriage, which is why I haven't done it. But I do agree that shame will cause people to rethink their position. I just think that she will shame herself without my input, as soon as she decides to start telling her family what she has done. I do not need to contribute to that, because it is inevitable. Again, not to toot my own horn, but people who know me think very highly of me. I am an honest, honorable, loving, caring, and trustworthy individual. Her family will be very disappointed in her for what she is doing.

Of course they will all want her to be happy, but I don't think any of them will be convinced that she gave it her best. Because honestly she didn't. Well, she didn't get the chance to really. This is not really a view that is consistent with MWD principles, but I think people here don't factor in the power of affairs and what they can do to people's ability to think logically.

This relationship fell in her lap. It started as innocent messaging, and then escalated as affairs do. The excitement, the deceit, the kinkiness etc.. sucked her in during a moment of weakness. And once you get past a certain point, there is no turning back until the affair burns itself out. I understand this completely and that is why I am letting this go and letting her experience this error, and what effects it will have on her life and mine, as well as one cute innocent 3 year old. I think she needs this experience in order to grow and get to a point where she understands that marriage is sacred, and that no matter what, we should always been there for each other! Or if she never gets to that point, then there is nothing I can do and I can;t force her to get there.

I'm not angry about it anymore. I used to be angry at her for what she is doing. I used to be angry at myself for not catching the signs early enough. But now I realize that we should have better communication. I respect her needs and if i knew the extent to which they were bothering her, I would have been willing to go to counseling or whatever she thought would help.

I also feel that if her excuses for this behavior are legit, then she really wasn't cutting me any slack for carrying the burden of our family all by myself. Our growing family, and shrinking income, and my W really not wanting to share in this burden (even just to listen to me vent my frustration) was too much for me to cope with on my own. Our relationship needs to be stronger if we are to weather the storms that life brings upon us.

So when I ask people what I can be doing to try to get W to a better place quicker, I am doing it with all of this in mind. I'm doing it from a place of love! I know she doesn't hate me. I know she knows I am an excellent person. And I know she thinks we could have made it work, because she told me that when she said IF we had gone to counseling a couple months ago we could have been very happy by now. But OM came in to the picture and now the emotions, and the chemistry is too much for her to be able to think straight. This HAS to die a natural death for her to start seeing the bigger picture again.

Again, 25 I think you are an awesome woman. Your husband is extremely lucky to have you! And we are all extremely lucky to have you here on the board, dedicated to helping us all better understand our situations.

Perhaps now you understand me a little better. I am a strong person and like I have said many times, (and Advina mentioned that she liked this about me) I think very highly of myself. If I am displaying some neediness as far as W goes, it is truely because even though I can live without her, I want her.

I also feel terribly for my D3. I had the privilege of being raised in a stable household with two loving parents who are still together. I will do the impossible to try to give my daughter the same experience.

ESPECIALLY now that I understand more about the possible long term damage that divorce can have on a child. Look at how my W's experience with her mom and dad "quitting" has affected her decision making, versus how my experience with loyalty has affected my decision making.

Also, reading the MLC forum is CRAZY. In my home culture, we have never heard of a mid life crisis. I always wondered why people don't lose it in their 40s ass they seem to do here. Now, I understand that it is all to do with childhood experiences. Since my culture of origin does not support divorce, people have learned to "be happy with what they have" and so EVERYONE I know was raised in a two parent household. No one has the incredible amount of baggage that some have here. Makes me want to fight for my marriage (for my daughter's sake) even more. Not only would I be the first from literally hundreds of family members, to be divorced, but my daughter will be the first in ten's of generations of my family to grow up with separated parents.

It is not fair on her that I give up. So when I try to think of "tactics" to get my wife to "snap out of it", it is not due to my weakness, or my inability to move on. I don't think moving in is any of ours best interest. In fact, I think it is detrimental to all of us! My daughter will not have two parents, my wife's standard of living will drop considerably and at some point she will get hurt (because I can't protect her the rest of her life if she isn't my wife), and I will miss out on having the beautiful complete family that I myself had when I was growing up.

Its a game of cat and mouse. I have to be smart about the situation I am in. Hopefully I can turn it around!

Anyway, thank you for listening to me. It has been therapeutic to remind myself why I am putting up with this. It has also been nice to hear from you (25years) that a lot of the advise I have thrown at me is not sane. It has been nice to be reminded that you also share the idea that this should all be "from a place of love".

I will be careful who I listen to from now on! Please do remind me from time to time of that. Everyone one of the things I did or was doing, that you questioned, was actually from someone else. My next post will address this, so please check back to help me decipher what I am doing wrong.

Thanks 25, you are an incredible individual! I SOOOO appreciate your help, and you mentor ship.