not sure where to go from here

[tiredndrained]

Very possible but even if he was he would never admit there was something wrong or get help. His mom refuses to get help and I am not certain she is bipolar other than my own diagnosis of her but I'm pretty certain she is. She definitely has some personality disorder. She left him and his older brother when he was 15 and moved out of state and stuck them with the house and bills. If anything, there is a family pattern of abandonment. His father was also a cheater.

I'm not sure about the bipolar because he seems to be able to control it everywhere else but with me. I've been really thinkin about it and he gets very angry when he is embarrassed. He refuses to see my family and is angry because he thinks I told them stuff. I wonder if the same goes true for me. His anger might be because he is embarrassed about what he did to me. He can avoid my family and it seems like he tries to avoid me too. But he still lives here so not as often. Just a thought. He is being nice again. I've gone back to stop asking and it seems to keep things calm for now. It usually only lasts so long. Once I try and set boundaries or question him it goes right back to the way it was.

[tiredndrained]

One last thing...he never acted liked this prior to last June when he was deep into his relationship with the OW. It very likely that he is still with her or someone else. He would never tell me. He swears he is not but that doesn't really matter to me. I don't believe him.

[Tallula]

It really seems like you base how you are feeling on whether he is affectionate or withholding. I know this, because I have done it as well. Really try to work on detaching. It's not about not caring, it's about not having your emotional well being be tied to what your loved one is doing. It's soooo hard.

Really think this through. I set my boundries and H is moving out. I'm very ok with it. I have a serial cheater on my hands, and one of his reasons for not giving me access is that he is afraid he will do it again. He knows I'm DONE as in divorce, if it happens again. (I only found out about all of them 2 months ago) So he needs to go figure out if he wants to work at being faithful. If it was just the one OW, things would be different.

Really be wary of who you discuss this with. I have 3 people and one is my IC. The one friend I do talk about this with would never tell me what to do and would support me if I always stayed with him and looked the other way...which I wouldn't, but that is the kind of friend she is. Only you have to live with your choices. We all "think we know'...but we don't.

We all backslide and lash out or talk about the R when we shouldn't, but I made a deal with myself day one never to threaten divorce. I know even today, I wouldn't divorce him. Even when I just set my boundries, of course my hope was that my H would do them, thus stay at home. But I knew I would rather him leave than watch him tell me he is done cheating, sleep with me, ML, and seem sneaky and still FB friends with OW. If he was still sleeping on the couch, being mean, it would be different. He was 75% in, 25% out. I needed to open the cage door.

I've had several discussions with H over the past 5 days, and it's amazing how things are when discussed calmly. He actually feels horrible about not being able to comply with my boundries. Wants to go figure out what is wrong with him, so we can move forward. Now, when I initially stated them 2 weeks ago angerly, emotionally, upset, sobbing...he could care less and I was a crazy, horrible wife and he said should just D my crazy butt. It will never work!!

I really feel for you! It's so hard. But I think the most important thing is "what is your goal?"

[tiredndrained]

Thanks Tallulah. I really am OK with walking away if things don't change. I also can't live with the lies and cheating. The angry stuff is just because he won't follow my boundaries and that is too bad. How do you have a OW for over a year and think I would be OK with you doing whatever you want whenever you want. It is ridiculous. I am trying hard to detach at this point. And, I'm not sure how you are but to be honest...I am so tired. I am tired of trying, tired of arguing, tired of trying to figure him out. I'm just plain tired of it all and ready for some normalcy in my life. This has gone on for too long.

I have told people when I was angry about our situation. Back in the summer he was so angry and telling me he was done and things were over. He was moving out, etc. I was so distraught and really thought it was over. I told people and then when I found out about the OW I told people bc I still believed it was the end and I was looking for support. I seriously regret it now and wish I hadn't. I can't take it back but I am trying hard to not disclose any more information to anyone else. I am so fearful it will get back to him. It would make things so much worse and really end things for good. I doubt people would say anything to him but I still feel bad for opening my mouth. Also, I don't want anyone to judge me for trying to work it out. People just don't understand when you tell them your spouse is cheating. They all say to leave and no one says to try and make it better. With all the things that have gone on between us, my biggest regret is saying anything to anyone. I wish I could go back on that. Does anyone else have the same regrets?

[Tallula]

Thanks Tallulah. I really am OK with walking away if things don't change. I also can't live with the lies and cheating. The angry stuff is just because he won't follow my boundaries and that is too bad. How do you have a OW for over a year and think I would be OK with you doing whatever you want whenever you want. It is ridiculous. I am trying hard to detach at this point. And, I'm not sure how you are but to be honest...I am so tired. I am tired of trying, tired of arguing, tired of trying to figure him out. I'm just plain tired of it all and ready for some normalcy in my life. This has gone on for too long.

That is why I calmly stated what my boundries were. When he yelled back at me, no, I calmly said "then we need to S. Take some time to think about it and we can discuss our options later." When I argue back, it's because I'm not accepting his answer. No need to argue, AnotherStander told me that. It's soooo true. Either he will, or won't. Plus, another thing I am working on is not feeling like everything needs to be figured out now. I stated my boundries last friday, and we made a plan to S Tuesday.

[albamarie]

my biggest regret is saying anything to anyone. I wish I could go back on that. Does anyone else have the same regrets?

Yes, my biggest regret is telling my mom who insisted I leave him or throw him out to the point where now she's the one I don't talk to.

I believe we M in sickness and in health and I needed to see this sickness through (until I was done) for the sack of the man I M, and our kids. My mom D my dad the next day, and now there back 3yr later. D is not something any of us LBS take lightly or we wouldn't be here!

I too am at the end though and very ok if he were to leave. I won't have any regrets about the time and effort I put into this M, because I know I was there always.

I knew the day I replied calmly to my h's yelling, I was done! When he threatened to leave once again I calmly said, go, and looked him straight in his eyes. He has yet to leave.

Stick to your boundaries, Tired and stay on your detaching it feels so much better when you do!

[tiredndrained]

I agree Dawnmarie. I feel isolated from everyone I spoke to bc no one is on the same page as me about it. I know I told too many people and I highly regret it. I always feel like people judge me even though that probably isn't the case.

My H being nice again and we are back on the same rollercoaster ride as before. I am staying detached though for my own sanity. I am so tired. I am not sure I have the ability to feel any love right now anyway so if he leaves tomorrow I don't think I would care. He says he is leaving but waiting til he has a job. We'll see. I don't see that happening but hopefully once he gets a job things will change one way or the other. Thanks for listening!!

[tiredndrained]

So, we are still stuck in the same spot...nothing ever changes. H is being nice but I hate thinking he gets away with everything. Has a family at home and gets the comfort of his own home and gets to do whatever he wants since I am not questioning him again. I still am unsure whether these are baby steps or he is just cake eating. Things are improving but when he still goes out I still have to wonder where he goes at night. Still trying to fix myself. My IC wants me to work on stopping looking at things from his perspective and work on my own perspective. I tend to try and always see things from another's point of view. In this situation I am cheating myself of my own feelings when I try and sympathize with him and his problems. I won tix to a show and asked him to go with me. I was fully expecting him to say no and he said yes. Again, baby steps or cake eating...I'm still working on an answer for myself.

[rosesarered]

Tired - You can't regret telling people. I know the feeling all to well. Sometimes I regret it too. I hate it when people how me how things are going. But in the end you needed to do it for your support. It would be much worse if you had no one to talk to.

Many people at our sons school do not know that we are separated. I hate it when people ask me how H is and how come he doesn't come to school events. People can be so nosy.

I have a few close friends who all know. You find out who your good friends are - they support who no matter what you do. I have discovered that I have a few of those. I would try to find out who those people are and stick with them.

Its hard with nothing is moving forward. My H still leaves every night at 9. He wants us to entertain a few people tomorrow for super bowl together. Just the friends who know our situation. Its so strange but to me is a positive baby step.

Good luck and keep venting here.

[littleGTO]

hi, tired,
Just finished reading your entire thread. I can understand where you are.

My H has been involved in an EA for a year, although I've only known for 7 months. He moved out 3 months ago.

The secretive communication between OW and H killed me every day. The fact that your H goes out nightly to who knows where and shares none of that with you is definitely cake-eating.

BUT you have to decision if/for how long you are willing to live w this. It is painful to you not to know & you end up not asking then a few days later exploding about where he's been. It is not healthy for YOU.

Don't worryy about who you've talked to. You needed the support & you couldn't have predicted who would be a good confidante and who wouldn't. I did that too, but I don't regret it. I now only talk about my sitch to those who understand what I've trying to do ultimately. For everyone else I am purposely vague and they generally respect that I don't want to talk further about it.

I also understand about how you are the scape-goat for your angry son. I am too. My s9 is very angry at his dad and I see this at night when H is not here. But, we talk about why he is really angry and he understands that he really isn't mad at me.

My two youngest sons see a C at school and we just went to our first FC session last week (which she indicated that she thought it would be best to see each of the kids individually as they are dealing w dad's moving out differently).

Be strong. Detach. Decide what YOU want and what YOU can live with or not. Set your boundaries and follow through. Stay calm.

((()))