The ups and downs of DBing

[JuneReN]

I've noticed that the more he's in the wrong, the more he gets angry at me when I call him on it. I'm not sure how to get what I want without annoying him.

This caught my eye, because this was my behaviour. Let me give you advice. Do not engage while he is in this mood. It just will make him angrier. Do not acquiesce or validate, it will make him angrier.

By any chance, does he do something nice or is a little more friendly later on after? This used to be my M.O. But it is absolutely essential you ignore the " I have screwed up and is easier to get angry with everyone, so everyone's mood [censored]". It doesn't make us feel any better, but it is a conditioned response and some sort of perverse? Satisfaction if everyone is feeling bad. For me, then I could go around justifying my mood because everyone else was awful as well!

FYI, have most,y stopped this crappy behaviour, although it does slip once in a while with the kids.....am work in progress

PS...stop carrying spare change or say, sorry I don't have any. And yes, you are on a control kick....get off!!! : p

[Tallula]

Ok, so I read more of your sitch.

I'm lucky that we have many alanon meetings in our area, and I've found a great one. Just keep going!!! Get the literature, meditation books and the alanon book if you don't have them. I read through those when I'm feeling especially crazy.

As a recovering alcoholic myself, really try to lay off his other stuff, the eating & caffiene. Getting sober is hard!! I started smoking again when I got sober. Healthy, nope. But I eventually quit that & in the grand scheme of things...when I smoked I didn't rip everyone's hearts out . H is only a month sober, yes? Trust me, he isn't going to be mr happy happy, joy for awhile. Bottom line, for me, drinking was my solution. So when that was gone I had no clue how to deal with life. I was not much fun to be around. Luckily for me, I through myself in a 12 step program, worked on me and became a happy, fun person to be around...mostly

None of this is to excuse your H's behavior, but you will need support and doing work on you to navigate this. I feel for you. Living with an alcoholic is hard, sober or not.

Here is part of my mediation in a courage to change:

" live & let live sets us free from the compulsion to criticize, judge, condemn, and retaliate...[which] can damage us far more than those against whom we use such weapons. Al-anon helps us to learn tolerance rooted in live."

You are doing really well! Have patience with yourself

[ForeverYoung]

I'm still struggling with detachment...

H is still not feeling well. I think it probably has to do with him having withdrawal symptoms from cutting down his caffeine intake which had got ridiculous since he stopped drinking a month ago. I'm as addicted to focussing on him as he is on substances (caffeine, sugar, alcohol..) I'm so tired of his secret eating that I openly went and bought some ice-cream for all of us last night. It was better than him pretending to go out to buy more coffee.

He has now taken S13 swimming and managed to get D15 to her netball game earlier this morning. I'm dying to give him advice on how to manage his health and his life generally.

Selfishly, part of my anxiety about him not looking after his health properly is that I don't want to do his share of things as well. I do all the household chores and accounts and manage the carers for S13 and he usually does the things that involve going on expeditions and he gets S13 up and ready in the mornings. I really don't want to take that on when he's here. He's away a couple of weeks later in Feb so obviously I'll do it then.

It sort of feels as if I've been taken over by a codependent-bug/virus. I seem to have so little immunity to it. I don't enjoy our local Al-Anon meeting but I sure need an injection of detachment. I'll keep re-reading that article on detachment and keep coming here.

I agree with everyone here that you are doing as well as can be expected, and shouldn't be too hard on yourself.

Having said that, I also don't think us telling you to stop your present behavior / detach, or you rereading an article is going to save you. Have you ever considered seeing a counselor for help with this?

[Wendylon]

Thank you so much all of you! I'm going to sleep on your posts and respond tomorrow morning.

I feel very supported and that in itself makes a huge difference.

[tori2012]

I agree with FY, Wendylon. A good counselor might be able to help (both you and your H.) Would he ever go see a counselor? If you choose this route, though, screen the counselors really well. Some of them can make things a lot worse...

[afa75]

A way to increase your chances of a good therapist, SBT / promarriage, would be TherapistLocator.com sponsored by AAMFT.

I think a true part of detaching is not simply from reading but rather pairing that with the time. Trying and learning from what works / what doesn't.

Let us know your thoughts when you wake .

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much for all the feedback.

I have to say that we've had loads of counselling and neither of us is keen on more. Inevitably, H starts to think that the therapist is taking my side and it's downhill from there. It's really not worth it to me. Believe it or not, H is a therapist and did practice for quite a few years. We personally know lots of therapists/counsellors and it's somewhat disillusioning in that their personal lives can be a mess.

As for individual counselling, I've also had loads over the years. The best for me at this point is DB coaches and this board. I've gone to lots of Al-Anon meeting too but I don't find that the ratio of time and effort to learning is great for meetings around me. There isn't that much recovery and a few people from other fellowships who go to several meeting daily can take up a lot of the time.

I probably sound very negative but at the moment, I just want the DB forum and coaching. I haven't spoken to Laurie in a few months and I think I have 2 sessions left so I will definitely book something at some point.

The last few days have been better. I've let go of feeling that H is malingering and taken him at his word that he isn't well. He's even said that he is feeling well looked-after. He's booked a Valentine's outing for us.

My car died the other day (timing-belt broke) and that has been a pain. H has been pretty helpful. H is often asking me for news about my extended family. I think that is one of the ways he tries to make contact.

Tallulah and Ruby, thank you very much for helping me see things from his perspective more. That was really helpful. Yes, Ruby, he does end up trying to be friendlier later when he's been angry.

I'm feeling a bit annoyed and distracted right now because it's supper time and no sign of him...

Thank you, all of you, for staying on my case.

[Wendylon]

I just checked my mobile and H had left a message saying that he's working with a child and won't be back until after 8. At least he's feeling better and is back working--something to be grateful about!

S13 peed in the sauna at our local pool and really upset one of the regulars (not surprisingly though he was pretty aggressive about it). While H works with autistic children, their families and schools, this is the sort of situation which he leaves me to deal with on my own. He listens to me but is not in the slightest bit proactive. It's weird to think that he deals with all this professionally but not at home. Not sure why I'm saying this...

Back to H, he did ask me if I could go out and buy him some milk for him this morning and then gave me a hug when I got back.

[tori2012]

Wendylon, what kind of help would you have wanted from your H? You could express this to him so he knows what you need. I don't blame you for not wanting to go to more therapists, but I would schedule more and more frequent sessions with your coach. I'm not at my computer right now, but I'll write more soon.

[Wendylon]

I think you're right, Tori, that I need to schedule more sessions with my coach. I will definitely schedule one for when H is next away. With the time difference, it's not that easy to schedule times other than evenings my time and I find it a bit inhibiting to have a session with H in the house. I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.

I guess I'd love H to brainstorm with me about what to do. He seems to expect me to sort everything out and I do.

S17 is off to France on Sunday for some work experience. I just looked at his train tickets (booked by H) and noticed that H had got one of the dates wrong. S17 pointed it out to H and H is going to sort it out. That sort of thing really irritates me. Why can't H, an intelligent man, book a train ticket without getting it wrong? It's the kind of thing he's done ever since I've known him (nearly 23 years!) and it still bugs me. I guess that won't change...

Domestic, day to day details just don't stick in his head. Then again, he knows everything there is to know about chemistry, biology, politics, music, current affairs... I don't retain any of those sorts of facts but I'm analytical, logical, good at detail and can solve maths problems pretty efficiently. We have completely different strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes, I yearn to be married to someone more like me. I really wonder what that would be like.