EXPERIMENTING with physical touch with W

[25yearsmlc]

She is still not telling anyone knew. Not really sure why.

I'm sure.

So she can keep the OM plate and SM34 plate spinning.

Used to think it is because she hasn't decided yet.

Rubbish.

Her brain chemistry is such that she literally cannot decide.

Not to quibble, but I think if your wife were sure she was "in love" with THE Mr Right, she'd tell some people AND that does happen sometimes.

I'd certainly feel worse about things if the time came when she began to announce their new R.

In Keepgoing's case, for instance, her h is introducing his OW to his family, as his new and "lasting real love" and that hurts. I think her h BELIEVES he should be with OW, and that's not a good sign for their chance of recon.

So some WASs do decide. Sometimes I think it's because they get cornered and challenged (by the LBSer or family) and then they want to prove they were "right" to leave, so they are "IN LOVE w/NEW OP" and sometimes even rush into marrying them.

OTher times they have already convinced themselves it's easier to start with a new person than to work on old problems,

AND OR they were lonely or hurting a lot longer than the LBSer realizes, (right or wrong) and so, the WAS chooses to start fresh and not look back.

It's not common but it does happen.

She does seem to be enjoying the attention from TWO men, a contrast from the lack of attention she feels I gave her.

Yep.

The plates again.

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Well who wouldn't enjoy that? Also, why are you limiting compliments to once a week? How much of an increase is that? Is it even a 180? Seriously, I get compliments from my h on a daily basis and in his MLC it was more than once a week.

Is touching her easier than complimenting her? Surprising.

Does it feel more awkward to express a positive thought about her, to her? Can you tell US why you love her? I'm trying to understand the difficulty you are having w/it.

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Never trust a skinny chef, as they say.

My criteria for acting people's advice was as follows:

Did this person successfully restore their marriage or ultimately move on to a much happier place?

If yes, take advice.

If no or not yet, ignore advice.

Be ruthless about what you use and what you don't.

GH31

Not sure what context the word "ruthless" is about...but surely SM, if someone is still apart from their spouse and is still angry or bitter about it

they may have valid insights into how YOU FEEL, but I would not try out their behavioral choices if they had no success in them.

And make sure you define "success" the same way.

There are some folks who think forcing their WAS to feel shame is a "win". Some think if their LBSer crawls home with their tail between their legs-that is a great goal...

but I've never heard of a shamed spouse returning AND restoring a marriage.

I know two spouses who returned home after being "exposed" to 3rd parties and or financially extorted into coming home.

To my knowledge, a year+ later, they are still not intimate...

To me, that's not a "restored" m. IT's a surrender that is likely to be a temporary one. But to hear their LBS spouses talk, it's as if they are great examples of what works...(and it was not DBing, btw, but they come here to post)...

I'm not disagreeing with GH so much as explaining why SOME folks who don't make it are still quite worth listening to. They can tell you what did not help them and they can FEEL your pain too. They can GAL well and become happy single people, often finding new better r's down the road. When they talk about GAL, listen.

Honestly, sometimes folks here are good at teaching us what NOT to do.

Listen to their tone, too. If it's an angry or self righteous one OR if they still bemoan their victimization, spew about their WAS years later, and see no need to change THEMSELVES significantly,

they are lost souls who will wallow in their bitter wounded egos for a long time.

One woman here, posts about her h being "evil" but she "wants him home NOW!" and he's been living with OW for 4 years now. She condemns him one day only to cry about his departure, the next.

There has been NO attempt or discussion of a recon but divorce will cost HIM more. She finds it "confusing and hopeful" that they might reconcile someday...but no one else sees it that way. No change in 4 years...probably 5 years now.


That LBSer is still very depressed and very enraged and to my knowledge agrees to change NOTHING IN HER. She thinks GAL would be fun IF IT WERE EASIER but as for her judgemental recriminations and lashing out

she sees nothing wrong with it. She forgives nothing. She is STUCK with capital letters.

To me, she's a lesson in what NOT to do. And her son is increasingly resenting HER. I'm no shrink but her reactions, this much later, seem unhealthy to me.

Point is, some people fall when this BD happens and we ALL stumble and have to lean...but some fall, and never get up!

...and some still don't think it's their job to pick themselves up.

It's ALL STILL their WAS fault. I must ask, How can anything in an LBSers life, be an ex's fault, 4 years later?

Sorry for the tangent.