Soul.Searching my way back.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks AS,., your comment made me cry lol
I just don't know why I couldn't see things clearly before. I used to just make excuses for him. He did have a terrible childhood.
I can honestly say that H can be one of the nicest, most caring person I have ever met but he can also be one of the most rude, aggressive, self centered person I have ever met.
I had someone say to me recently that I was isolated when I was with H. I denied it but then after thinking it over, I realized I was. I feel so stupid for not seeing it before. I think maybe I just didn't want to see it.

I know H needs help. Everyone can see it. I used to find it kind of amusing that H would totally loose his sh1t if someone told him he needed anger management. Now I just find it sad.

I've resented for so long for the way he treated me. I didn't even think about the fact that I was enabling it. It was just as much my fault as him because I let it happen.

Deep down I don't think H will ever change long term, not for anybody, unless he gets help.

I had a lot of anxiety and self worth issues when I was with H but they are slowly fading. It's mostly sadness about it all now, mixed with bits of anger.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Bug, I've looked a little at some of the stuff and it really hits home. I might need to order a book.
I'm still struggling. I have times, like last night where it's like I can see it all so clearly but then today, not so much. It wasent like he was all bad all the time.
Nothing I did was ever good enough. I've been told (Even though I don't want to be) about some if his recent FB status's. apparently OW gets up at 4AM on her days off to make him coffee. Apparently he posted something along the lines of "It's great to have someone who cares enough to do things for you"

I feel that I did a lot for H. I did complain sometimes in the last few years because I felt that it was expected, not appreciated. I knew I would cop his crap if I couldn't comply. I felt that he hardly done anything I asked.
It seems that he is bagging me in a round about way on FB. That hurts.
I know a few people have told me they have removed him from FB because they are sick of his posts. I'm sure that's my fault too.

I guess I failed. He failed. We failed.
It's hard not to take it personally. The last year or so I couldn't cook anything that was up to his standards. The house was not organized to his standards. He made that very difficult for me.

Even now, none of my kids clothes were up to his standards. It feels like he is saying I am a bad mother. They have good clothes. I've been able to buy more for them lately, without H around.


My hair was not good enough for him. He wanted it bleach blond but I didn't it.
He was embarrassed about my job, he wanted me to be a hairdresser or at least something with a fancy title, if I wouldn't be a hairdresser.

He wanted me to dress in clothes that I wasent comftable with.
I didn't wear make up enough. I'm not in to high heels and I don't paint my fingernails (Work stops me.) I didn't wear jewelry often enough.
I didn't wait in him hand and foot.

I just wasent good enough for him anymore in his eyes.

[Soul.Searching]

The good the bad and the ugly: The other side.

Very early on in the relationship I tried to break up with H several times because of him lying to me. He always begged me not to and promised not to do it again.
He has never forgiven me for that. I has undiagonosed sleep disorders and I was a bitch in the mornings. I expected H to mind read.

Along came the babies and I changed. I got help for my sleep disorders and had higher priorities.

The last maybe fives years, I grew very resentful. I didn't forgive H for things he had done in the past. I didn't see any remorse from him. I didn't see him sorry for what he had done. I resented many things and became the victim.
I think I was a victim with codependent tendency's

I became bitter and started doing a bit of tit for tat.
I bitched about him going out. I bitched about him spending money.
Our relationship became a battle of control. I tried to demand respect in all the wrong ways. I tried to impose my core morals and values on H.

The last five years I started fighting back. It was a web of tit for tat, resentment and anger.

I felt inadequate, not good enough and let my fears drive me. I tried to enforce boundaries in all the wrong ways.

I didn't see how unhealthy our relationship was but H must have seen it.

I said hurtful things, I didn't let go of many things. I became a bitter, angry, resentful bitch.

[labug]

SS, here's the thing. He made choices. You weren't the cause of his choices. You say he wasn't bad all the time. No one is any thing all the time. That doesn't mean what happened didn't happen or that it was your fault.

Do see an IC? Can you? Are there support groups in your area? He's been working on you for all the years you've been together. It's going to take a long time for you to turn that around.

Your H's choice of OW has nothing to do with you.

Value yourself. Do something just for you everyday. Enjoy and value your kids.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Bug, No I don't see a IC. I did but I used my free sessions and can't afford more right now. There's no support groups close by either, I looked.

It's just so hard not to take it personally. I mean maybe I somehow made him like that? Maybe it was me all along? Maybe I just didn't try hard enough? Maybe I deserved it.

Deep down, I think I know none of that is true but maybe it is, maybe I just don't want to admit it to myself? I mean there were many signs over the last two years, signs of A and WAW but I didn't want to see them. I made excuses to myself that I was wrong, that I should trust him because he didn't lie about the big things.

I made excuses for a lot of things H did and in someway I felt responsible for what he said/ did.

Thinking back now, his anger was still there pretty early on in our R but it wasent directed at me. I don't really recall it being directed at me until I fell pregnant.

That was when he started being argesive towards me.

I was pregnant and then we married.
We quit pot when I found out I was pregnant. He didn't have to but chose to.
People seen his ring and used to tell him he looked way to young to be married.
He had to work for the first time in years.
I started having anxiety attacks that lasted for a few months. ( Not the attacks but the period in which I had them.) I used to call H, just talking to him would help and he was pretty good but he never did understand. I think he seen me as weak.
I changed and grew, I had a baby inside of me. It was up to me to change and stop being a child, not thinking about concerquences.

Something in amoungst that seems to have been a huge trigger for him. He became very angry and bitter.

I just don't understand how he can have so much anger towards me, especially now. I feel that he hates me. I don't hate him. I love him. I strongly dislike him a lot lately but I don't hate him. I can't see ever hating him. I think I will always love him but I expect that love will probably change in some sense.
It has already started but it seems to try to pop it's head every time I see him.
I have noticed that I don't really look at him much these days.
I mean I look at him but its like I don't really see him.
I suspect that's a coping mechanism of some sorts.

I think mostly not it is my ego that is hurting.
It hurts when he tells me he is out doing fun things with my kids as a family with OW and her kids. I feel jealous and hurt.

I feel he wants me to be a bitch to him, that it somehow makes it easier on him. He is painting me as a bitch, even when I'm letting him have the kids on my weekend. I feel he was struggling to rewrite history before but he can do it easily now.

I'm just so confused right now.

[Soul.Searching]

It's a strange world. I'm going on 30 and it feels like in a strange way, I've only recently lost my innocence. I had no idea about that deep, dark scary place. I had not felt that deep hurt, the hurt right down to the core. I had never felt quite so alone, even with people all around me.
I feel that even if I am fortunate enough to find someone that it won't be the same innocent love. H was my world, along with my kids of course.
I don't imagine I could let another man be my world ever again.

I feel that the wall around me, will never completely come down. That at least just a little is indistructable.

I've been told over and over by many people over the years about how much crap I have taken by H. About how I did too much for him, how I was a doormat.
I've seen the shocked and discust of others at the the way he has treated me/ things he has said.
H says now that most of the time, no one seen how bad I was because it was always behind closed doors. I did tend to wait, to tell him how much it hurt, how it was wrong.
I'm finding I'm doubting myself lately. Is H right? Did I cause all of this? Maybe I clung too tightly? Maybe I did hurt him?
I'm fighting myself today. I don't like it.

[Soul.Searching]

I remember as a kids, I used to bounce like 20 bouncy balls at one time and watch the go all over the place. Up and down, back up in a different direction, down in another.... I know feel like I AM those bouncy balls.

I am all over the place these last few days. I don't like it.
I'm feeling very hurt and betrayed right now,.. Not by H but by my IL's
I know it stupid, I know I shouldn't feel like this but I do.
My kids were telling me how them, H, OW and her kids went to FIL's to celebrate his Birthday. H dropped OW and her kids at SIL's house while he brought the kids home. It hurts so much, it shouldn't be like this. It just shouldn't. I feel replaced.
It's just so soon and I feel like they shouldn't be allowing it. I know they are his family not mine but they were my family too for so long and I miss them. I miss them so much.

To make matters worse, D9 has been very angry/ upset when she comes home so I talked to her tonight. She said she likes it better being over there because they have better stuff. Also the kids had new underwear on, that OW brought them to keep up there, she gave them money too. What is she playing at? I just want to punch her in the face!

Today [censored].

[FloydMan]

(((((SS)))))

I get you on the replaced part. And I don't even know for certain if OM is at play but I get the replaced part not being at family functions, celebrations and others filling my role.

I like what Bug has been reminding you....this has noting to do with you and it is not your fault. Yes, some co-dependence feeding the narcissist. Don't feed him anymore. He does sound abusive from what I have been reading and catching up on. Emotional and psychological abuse is often worse than physically. The scars run deep and healing is trickier as the wound is harder to see and reach. Take care, we love you. Do not be bullied. Be assertive. You are only 30 and that is to your advantage in so many ways.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks FM,.., I've fallen back in the hole,., almost right back to the beginning it feel. I love him, I can't deny it. I just love him and I miss him so much. I just can't handle this pain anymore. I can't.
I miss our family, I miss my IL's . It just hurts so much and I don't know how to get past it. I don't know how to detach. I've detached as far as communicating and talking to him but I just can't handle this pain anymore. I feel so heavy and tired.
The damage feels irreparable and H seems happy with his new life.
I'm happy for him but I hurt so much for me and my children.
I just don't understand. I'm not even sure what it is that I don't understand, I just don't.
It's getting worse, not better. I don't know what to do. I'm confused but I'm not even sure what I'm confused about. It's just too hard.
I'm lost again, so very lost and I feel so very alone. I know I'm not alone but I feel alone.
I'm not strong enough for this, I'm just not.

[Tallula]

Oh, SS, my heart aches for you! Our sitches are similar. I really wish you could see a IC!! You deserve so much better than this. No matter how "awful" you were, no one deserves to be verbally abused. Keep telling yourself that.

My H has anger issues, but would kind of bully me into not talking about things. but only in the last few months has he become really verbally abusive. I started telling him immediately that I won't be spoken to like this, come find me when you want to discuss this more rationally. It was a huge step for me. Later, he admitted the way he has been treating me is abusive and that he was so proud of me for not taking it. My H does have some, eh some, willingness to look at his behavior. I've really sat down and looked at our R and I know what things I do and don't want anymore. I want a partner in help with the kids. I do everything. Things like this. I know that it was both our faults in setting things up like this. I hope H can be this man, but he may not.

Remember, you have no idea how happy they really are. Of some other woman wants to do everything for your H and put up with his anger...let her. The happy train will end soon, if it even is. What prize has she really won. The FB status reek of "look how happy I am, see!!!!" cause I doubt anyone is telling him what a great choice he has made. Here are 2 people trying to start an R that was based in lying and cheating. That can't be super fun.

Big hugs!!! I can't even imagine having an OW with my kids. God, I feel for you!!